Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Gosh, I've only just seen this thread and read through the OP's posts. I'm thrilled you are finding good support and advice here, OP.

Only thing I'd add is - if there wasn't another woman in the picture back in January when you could sense a coldness from him, it's the "possibility" of another woman. I caught my now Ex chasing after a woman 18 years younger than him (he'd just turned 50, she'd sent him a "Happy Birthday" which (as a friend said to me) was, in his head, a declaration of interest). I found out, he said he'd been miserable for years, I contacted her, she freaked out (what she called flirty banter was, in his head, her declaration of undying love). Anyhoo - he moved into the spare room and we had a very unhappy 2-3 weeks and then I found his browsing history of online dating sites .... My best friend, my buddy - utter, utter arsehole.

Yeah it's been a few bitter years but I'm so happy now, little house that's all mine, decorated how I want it, my finances are my finances. He was on numerous dating sites, met a twice divorced woman with two children and moved in with her - her house, her rules ..... I've traveled with friends and independently, I'm in a really happy place. That's what I - a complete stranger - wishes for you x

I read this book about surviving narcissistic relationships and one of the things that helped was an exercise where you write down everything they have said about you, all the criticisms and negative comments and then you write down the facts that show that isn’t true. You know you are not the controlling one here OP, but it’s hard to give yourself permission to really believe it.

and for childcare it is the best interests of the children that matters. There is some satisfaction in watching your ex fail at 50:50 but was is the impact on the kids? They might be ok, they might not, but that is what should drive the decision making. Not what he wants. I would 100% tell him if he wants 50:50 it’s a step up program where he gradually increases from where he is now. This is not saying no to 50:50, it is saying that it is in the best interests of the kids for him to show that he is reliable before he takes on too much and that you are willing to support this transition.

you don’t need to win anything OP, you are, and always were, the better person in your relationship. You just need to rise above his nonsense and work towards a sensible resolution.

Ahhh I’m so sorry you went through all of that, it must’ve been so hard and heartbreaking for you, but it’s lovely to hear you’re now out of the other side of it!

I don’t know if there is another woman in my situation, although at this point it would make absolutely no difference (aside from if he introduced her to the kids).

I have taken great comfort from other posters on here who have been kind enough to share their own experiences and give helpful advice. It’s made me feel so much less alone and at times I find I can be more upfront about certain things because they are people I don’t know in real life.

I absolutely see where you’re coming from in terms of how will him potentially not sticking to his side of 50/50 impact the kids too.

I will have a discussion with him about my reservations again and put the spin on it that I understand how much he’d be taking on. I don’t want the kids to be impacted negatively anymore than they are already going to be, and what you’re saying makes perfect sense, however putting it into practice may be easier said than done without legal backing.

I sometimes feel as though I have things figured out as much as possible but then realise how much shit I essentially still have ahead of me that I need to wade through.

Do you have childcare in place ? Does he know he'll have to pay half?

How will this work (so that you dont pay for all of it)?

Yes we do. The invoice each month is sent to my email and he has agreed to send me half each month. When I spoke to the solicitor about this on Thursday, he said that at the moment because we’ve agreed to this and nothing up to now has gone wrong, there’d be no role for the court. He did send me his half of the childcare bill at the end of May and that was the first time we’ve ever halved it, as opposed to the whole lot just coming out of our (then) joint account.

Op if he doesn’t have another woman I would maybe say to him if he starts dating is to leave the kids out of it because they are going through enough and it would be really cruel of him to do that to them.

I sometimes feel as though I have things figured out as much as possible but then realise how much shit I essentially still have ahead of me that I need to wade through.

oh god yeah! Still wading through all the shit myself, even just the admin of getting divorced never mind the dealing with a knobhead on top of that is just huge buckets of shit. Honestly, people keep telling me that “this is the worst bit” but then something even shittier keeps turning up, but at some point things will have to turn around I guess. At least there seem to be a lot of people both in here and in real life telling me that that is the case.

Yeah we’ve already discussed this and I’ve made it very clear about not introducing anyone to the kids and he has asked for the same. It is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment anyway.

I know, I feel the same and so far everyone has said next weekend will be the worst bit when he moves out. I think it will be for the kids and seeing them upset, but the worst bit for me so far has been the fact I’ve seen a side to him that I didn’t even know existed and he feels like a complete stranger to me now.

Op I am glad he is agreeing to this your kids don’t deserve anymore confusion he’s being naive if he thinks your going to rush to date again.

He doesn’t think she is going to be able to rush to date—he’s not naive he probably counts on her staying uninvolved. But I can assure you that when he finds a eomsn to take over childcare duties for him he will rush into it without any thought gor any agreement with the OP.

Take these kind of agreements around dating & introducing new partners with a pinch of salt at this stage OP.

I am sure there are many women on here who had an ex partner who said the same only for that to change pretty quickly once they were living alone.

I suppose all I can do is see what happens in the near future. I’m trying not to let my mind run away with me and don’t want to be thinking about either of us with other people.

I agree, no point in worrying about something that hasn't happened. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

However, do keep your ears open. Quite often the ex doesn't tell that they're seeing someone and it's a chance remark from a child that reveals it. Obvs you can't question a child, but you can 'listen carefully' to them.

And I hate to be Debbie Downer, but it's not unusual that when a man with 50/50 insists on their 50%, they hurry up and find a 'nanny with a fanny' to do the actual parenting.

A nanny with a fanny 🤣 if he finds someone else, especially if it’s quick, I’ll definitely be secretly referring to her as that.

Yeah I feel as though I have done enough catastrophising without doing it about that too. It’ll be hard whenever it happens, but I want to live in ignorance for as long as possible.

@mummy917

"Where ignorance is bliss tis folly to be wise". I understand that feeling, but these days I prefer 'forewarned is forearmed'.

100% this. It’s like he was living a double life with his other woman and I had no idea! I’m slowly realising how abusive he was and that there were so many problematic behaviours that I just dismissed as “noone’s perfect” or was gaslighted into accepting. it’s hard to come to terms that he isn’t who I thought he was at all. Probably best part of year to get from “hang on, is he trying to gas light me” to full on “bloody hell he’s a compulsive liar and the sooner I never see him ever again the better”.

he finally moved out last month and collected his belongings over the weekend. I feel mainly relief. It’s like Stacey Solomon has been. And I am enjoying being able to watch whatever I want on tv. And the kids have been fine, today they were playing the garden while he was taking his stuff out of the garage. He didn’t even talk to them. I was in the house so nothing to stop him. It was very wierd, but the kids have been fine. The house has been so much calmer and he was such a half arsed dad it’s barely disrupted their routine him not being here.

I'd just say "or maybe you're just incompetent" if he accuses you of being controlling. You wouldn't need to micromanage if he wasn't acting like an idiot.

I can just see him sending back the kids with unwashed clothes now. Don't wash them.

I’ve just had some strong words with him when he got back from “his mum’s” an hour ago after leaving the house at midday. Told him he’s selfish and should be thinking of the kids, instead of disappearing for 10 hours a day, especially when he’s going to be living apart from them for half the week, as of next weekend. He turned round and said I was attacking him again, to which I said that’s an absolute load of bullshit and the only problem he has with what I’ve said, is that I’ve called him out and said things he doesn’t like so has to lay the blame at my door as usual. I then swiftly told him to get out of MY bedroom and shut the door in his face.

Good for you. Sounds like you're finding that anger!

Remember to tell him you expect reimbursement for the mattresses after payday...

Home truths hit hard. Stay strong, still a long road but putting the children first you have to call his behaviour out. Have the children been asking questions?

Our eldest was asking yesterday where he was and when he’d be back so I told him he was at their nan’s and it’d be late. They haven’t asked a great deal other than asked him why he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore, and I said sometimes these things happen. When they’ve asked him, he has said he would explain when they’re older which I felt was a bit of a cop out.

What a 24 carat shit. I'll eat my hat if he steps up for 50/50.

I’ll certainly keep you all updated. Will be a shock to the system if he does.