Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I think it's much better she keep quiet and keep her records. Never reveal your secrets or your strategy to your enemy.

If she points out that he's not doing 50/50 and threatens going for primary & maintenance, he will step up and make sure he is, for now. Then once he gets 50/50 based on his 'stellar record', he'll be able to relax and revert to type.

OP will have plenty of time to bring out the 'big guns'. In court, and that's where it matters.

And if he does end up paying cms I keep a spreadsheet of every penny he’s paid , and every penny he hasn’t .

I have got everything written down, but that’s also just who I am as a person anyway; I like to be organised, especially when it’s something like this that I’ve got no experience in.

I have started the application for divorce online this afternoon. Starting baths etc soon so will come back to it once the kids are in bed.

I have started the application for divorce online this afternoon

Well done, op. Take back some control. Get it sorted and sent. I think you will be really glad that you did.

They think they are clever because they got away without the lies for however long. They don’t realise that the reason we didn’t clock what was happening was because we aren’t untrustworthy ourselves and not because aren’t as clever as them. Good luck to OW anyway, they’ll be writing a thread like this in a year or two.

Hi @mummy917 How are you? Hope you get good advice tomorrow at the solicitors 🫶

I’m not doing too bad thank you 😊 just been plodding on trying to get more things in order. I’ve got my notepad all ready in my handbag, with questions etc written in it for tomorrow.

Things have been frosty between me and my husband over the last few days but I think me seeing a solicitor tomorrow is making him feel uneasy. He said he felt like it was “threatening” that I’m going to see one, even though he knows it’s to gain a better understanding of where I go from here and how things move forward. At the moment, it doesn’t seem to matter what I say or do, it’s never the right thing and he has said numerous times he feels as though I’m “attacking him”. All I’m trying to do is get some sort of order and normality back into mine and the kids’ lives after almost 3 months of uncertainty.

Hi op he doesn’t like you taking back control all this is his doing now your being practical he doesn’t like it. Sorry op but forget how he feels he chose this your just finishing it. Hope everything goes well tomorrow and keep being strong you’re doing well. Hopefully you will have a good solicitor on your side.

I'll echo the PP - your H doesn't like you taking any action yourself, he wants you to just sit by and let him do whatever he wants.

The only reason he would feel "threatened" by you seeing a solicitor is that he's planning on not giving you what you are entitled to.

He really is an idiot.

You are doing all the right things OP. You've prepared well for your meeting tomorrow, so I'm sure it will go well and you will get the information you need.

Btw, how's that childcare split going?!
I'm betting it's still nowhere near 50:50.
And I bet he's accusing you of "attacking" him when you're trying to agree childcare issues with him.

Good luck, OP, you're moving forward every day, and I know that's not easy.

💐

@mummy917

Just going to caution you that after you see the solicitor, your stbx is going to 'grill you' about what you were told. Please, say nothing about the information you are given or any course of action you're going to take. Just say "I'm not going to talk about that".

It would have been better if you hadn't told him you were seeing one, but that's water under the bridge. At this point you can figure he'll probably be seeing a solicitor himself in the near future.

He obviously didn't think you would be this strong and focused! Please keep it up and be proud of yourself! You are amazing 👌x

Excellent advice here. My ex was the same wanting to know what advice I was
given so he could discredit the professional and manipulate so stay strong and head held high.

Agree with pp. he is angry and feeling “threatened” and “attacked” because he wants you to accept exactly what he wants, to kowtow to his demands and basically make his life easy. To carry on doing wife work for him while actually allowing him not to be your husband, essentially.

You know the phrase “keep your counsel”? This is a good moment to follow that. Keep the counsel you receive from the solicitor to yourself, keep your cards close, don’t trust him. What you see as fair, he will see as him being denied and he’ll do everything he can to undermine you and take things that should rightfully be yours/the children’s.

Thank you for all your advice, I definitely won’t be telling him a thing about what is spoken about today. I think it’s because he’s hoping to avoid having to pay a solicitor himself and he wants to pay as little as possible in any kind of fees around the whole situation.

I’m only interested in making sure the kids suffer as little as possible in all of this and their lives don’t change any more than they have to. I feel his motives are more around money.

You are doing so well. Just keep quiet and stay strong. Count the days until he moves out. You can do it.

Threatened and attacked my arse

keep your notebook somewhere safe

His motives will be entirely financial and about controlling the process and the narrative.

You're doing exactly the right thing. Don't let him bully you. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize - a fair and decent settlement that does right by you and your children.

I have just had a message from him to say he’s now moving out next Saturday. Not sure what’s changed as he’s currently at work, but as daft as this probably sounds, I feel as though it is now more real and I can’t help feeling sad.

Ah, he's timed it nicely for the day you're going to see the solicitor to throw you off.

Clever.

But I'm sure you'll be cleverer. Good luck with the solicitor today

Yep, he's trying to throw you off. At least the rubbish is taking itself out.

Thats definitely a manipulative tool if ever I heard one, sent on the day you are meeting with the solicitor to try and destabilise you! Not surprising that you feel sad, but, this is bringing the stability closer. You have been in control, sorting solicitors, applying for the divorce and he hasn't liked it so trying to get his authority back. Soon it will be your house, your rules and your sanctuary away from his crazy behaviour of late. You are doing amazingly well - keep strong and keep taking those steps forwards.

It’s not daft, OP it’s perfectly normal and natural. It’s okay to feel a whole range of emotions from sad and tearful to angry and resentful. You’ll look back and be proud of yourself at the way you’ve handled this. Stay strong OP. Once he’s gone you can truly start to move forward with your life. In five years time you will have a completely different perspective on your marriage and him. I hope all goes well with the solicitor.

I hadn’t even considered that he might be trying to throw me off! But it’s a definite possibility. And if that’s what he’s trying to do, then it’d be interesting to know exactly how long he’s known he’d be moving out next Saturday. He’s also said his house will be upside down on the Sunday, which coincidentally happens to be Father’s Day 🤔

Yeah he’s playing a different game to you.

He won't give a shit about Father's Day unless it's to play the victim about "not seeing his children on father's day". He'll be far too busy doing whatever the fuck he wants with no parenting or family responsibilities.