Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

haha!!! "I get the kids half the time so I dont have to pay her and I get a week to do what I want" yes mate, that week will be spent cooking, clearing up, doing washing, doing washing up, buying food, sorting bills, etc because the fairy that used to do it isnt there anymore!

He will also be on the phone every other day "DS says he has sports day....why didnt you tell me?!" "oh, didnt you get the email?" "No, what fucking email?!" "You should register for updates with the school" "Why cant you just tell me?!" "Because I am not your wife anymore.....toodles".

I don’t know how they can’t see the difference between being asked to prioritise their families and “being told what to do”. It’s ridiculous. I think they just like to say they’re being told what to do so they’ve got an excuse to act like an arsehole.

Rather like men who think you're unreasonable if they are expected to behave decently. Or the ones who get mad at you, for getting mad at them, if they don't pull their wait or are nasty/inconsiderate.

I don't think he has a hope in hell of fulfilling 50/50 effectively.

I have had my first private therapy appointment this morning and it has been helpful. I have another one booked for the end of the month.

I am having a life admin day today while the kids are at school and nursery and getting some more practicalities sorted.

I just want to thank you all for your helpful and reassuring words during all of this, they have helped more than I could say xx

Glad it was helpful. Do you have another one booked?

Yes, for the end of the month 😊 hopefully I’ll feel as though I’m further forward again by then 🤞

I'm sure you will.

Glad you're already getting therapy @mummy917 . It really helped me when my ExH left, though for me it took a few sessions before I really started to feel better.

It helped me view relationships differently and the need to assert my own needs within a relationship. Needless to say, my relationship with DP is the complete opposite of my marriage. I wouldn't even begin to tolerate a man like my ExH now.

How are your DCs doing?

This is so reassuring to hear! I found today really helpful and know I need to work on focusing on the here and now, rather than trying to pre-empt what may happen in the future.

They seem to be doing okay, I’ve been checking in with them each day and offering them the chance to ask any questions or share any worries they have xx

It might not feel like it right now, but you're doing so well. Give yourself a huge pat on the back ❤️

Thank you, I really appreciate that 😊

I do feel as though I’m coping better each day although I know there’ll still be shitty, hard moments to come in the next few weeks/months xx

Husband has been accepted on one of the houses he’s looked at, just waiting for final checks to be completed. Here’s hoping it goes smoothly and we can concentrate on making it as easy as possible for the kids.

That’s great news, OP! Do you have any idea when he will be moving out? Now you can start looking forward to your new life. My lying cheating ex wouldn’t leave the house so I had to buy a house and move out. It was actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I had a completely new and fresh start. admittedly my child was older so we didn’t have to coparent. I hope you can at least come to some kind of workable coparenting agreement that will allow both of you to move on with your lives and find happiness again. Good luck!

Excellent news! Life becomes a lot easier and more peaceful once you live in separate houses, trust me! Well, less fraught and resentful anyway. You and the children will soon settle into a new routine every morning and evening and having those routines is what makes children feel safe. You've got this

Other people's brain chemistry and their responses to anti-depressants are not something you can judge with any accuracy whatsoever.

OP, I am so glad to hear that this huge source of stress will soon be gone from your living space. It's extremely bad for your mental health to live with someone who is so determined to be negative about you. The relief when you realise that you are free from that black cloud in your home is....well, it's just indescribable.

You are far better off without him. I don't know what happens to some of these men, but my husband changed completely during the course of our marriage, and I have a friend whose husband was the same. And I hear it a lot on here. Some men really do go crazy in middle age. I know it's known in popular culture as a midlife crisis, but I really do think that men are very vulnerable to something weird happening to them about this time. I would call it a nervous breakdown except the main symptom seems to be that they decide they hate their wives, hate being married, aren't fussed about living with their kids...Maybe men are prone to massive, severe depression in midlife. Studies say that anger can be a symptom of depression in men, whereas depression in women tends to look more like the stereotype of being miserable and/or weepy.

Anyway, in my experience these feelings of theirs tend not to be reversible. And in a way, it doesn't matter why. He's turned into an arse, and you're best off away from him. Who wants to be around someone who thinks so badly of you, anyway? You will be all right.

As for men not finding women who have kids attractive or not wanting a relationship with them, what rot! You don't have to marry or live together. You can be a LAT. Living Alone Together, where you're in a relationship but you maintain separate homes. And it's good if kids put men off, because it means they don't like you for you. Anyone who likes you for yourself will be happy to spend time with you and your kids.

Brilliant news! Once he has a move-in date you can breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't mean to assume your thoughts or feelings OP but I know for me that the whole moving out thing would make it more 'real', and would have me feeling pretty down and rubbish, despite knowing logically that it's for the best. As someone who's been through all this recently, and is still going through it, I know there's going to be some guy wrenching moments for you. But you sound so strong, and I'm thinking of you 🌹

Thank you everyone, I’ve had mixed feelings about it as it has definitely made it feel all that more real, but I do know deep down that it’s for the best now. 3 months ago I would never have believed this would ever be happening, but I am putting my energy into making it as smooth a transition as possible for the kids going forward xx

You will be happy soon, op.
You are worth so much more.
When or if he comes to his senses, and realises what he has lost, I really hope you are at the stage where you wonder what you ever saw in him . 💕

Thank you, I really hope so. He’s came in from work tonight and I don’t know what made me do it but I looked at him and still thought, “I still love him” and it’s thrown me off and I’ve been tearful too. Honestly this is such a rollercoaster

Feelings are complicated and you can't just turn them off, as much as it would be nice if we could! Allow yourself to feel what you feel, dont berate yourself thinking what you should be getting over it by now. I read somewhere that it takes approximately a month per year you were together, to fully recover from a relationship break down, and that did pretty much tally up for me. Thats not to say I was a gibbering mess for a year but that it took about a year for me to feel that I was finally "over it". Its early days, give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. You are doing so so well, its only natural that you will have the odd wobble.

Take care ❤

It's hard now op but honestly 12 months from.now you will appreciate being set free from him .
It's.always harder when our partner seems to have emotionally moved on when we have e been blindsided and feel our world has imploded . Just play your cards close to your chest and look after you and your children. His no 1 priority will be him and he is not thean you thought you knew . He's a stranger now .

You love who you thought he was. But he isn’t really that man. And it’s hard to reconcile the two versions of him because you keep remembering the lovely person who charmed you at the start. But that isn’t his true colours. It is hard OP, sending hugs xx

Op this is understandable love can’t be switched off like a light switch but it’s coming to terms with he doesn’t love you and what he’s done lately not even respecting you. He is using this as an excuse he’s had a taste of freedom now he wants it he sees his life as no nagging wife but let’s be honest if men pulled there weight with everything we would not have to nag. Men are using controlling behaviour against us more and more especially on here. If you were the one who slacked I’m sure he would be telling you what to do. That’s life unfortunately.

I know everything you are all saying is absolutely right.

I do definitely agree that he’s not the person I married or who I thought he was. Sometimes it feels easy to accept and other times it feels difficult to get my head around.

I spoke with him tonight and said that when I’ve looked back in hindsight to January time, he didn’t react to something the way I thought he would’ve or should’ve as my husband. For context, I was assaulted physically by a patient at work and his reaction was not what I expected but I just brushed it off and told myself I was being stupid. Now I’m not so sure. However, he denied this, saying he wasn’t thinking like this back then 🤔 although either way, it doesn’t make a difference now as the outcome is still the same xx