Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

So do I, but it’s something I don’t trust him on so that’s why I want that in writing so he can’t try and get his hands on any of it in years to come.

I think he’s forgotten that he has started these chain of events and doesn’t seem to react well when I’m trying to be logical and get things in order.

I feel as though I’m at the point now where I just want everything sorted so me and the kids can move forward and start to build and enjoy our lives again, after feeling like they’ve been on hold for weeks and weeks.

Congratulations on your sofa OP! Hope it’s a goodun. Good luck with solicitor.

In regards to him not committing to 50/50 atm, I’d download all what’s apps / texts as evidence so he can’t delete and you don’t have the evidence.

Be wary of solicitors. They might say you need things you don’t and it all costs you a fortune.

I was advised to fille for divorce first as you have ball in your corner. Not sure how true this is…

Divorce is split into three parts. The admin side (involves the previously named decree nisi and absolute), the financials, and finally children. Never, ever just do the admin side without getting the financials signed off by the courts. If a judge doesn't sign it off that is when you can claim against the ex-spouse years later.

With that in mind, how much is his pension forecast right now, and how much is yours? His could be forecasted to be worth a million and yours 50k so do NOT agree to keep your own until those forecasts are in. There is a cooling off period of 20 weeks when you start the divorce admin and that is when you write to your pension providers, get bank statements and value the house (if owned) etc. Download Form E from gov.uk website as you will need to fill in one each. A judge has to have that information or he will refuse to sign off your financials.

@mummy917

Considering that he's not carrying his weight with the agreed upon 50/50 now, the thing to remember about 50/50 is that it usually means that there is no child maintenance paid, that's why so many men say they want it. 50/50 is all well and good if each parent does have the DC half the time AND pays for everything for them during that time (childcare, food, entertainment, clothing, etc, etc). The problem comes when 50/50 is ordered and 'Parent B' doesn't have them 50% and 'Parent A' ends up paying much more than 50% for the DC's expenses without a maintenance payment to help with those expenses. Parent A's food bill will be higher, utility costs rise, and the day to day expenses are born mostly by Parent A.

To my knowledge, in these cases Parent A would have to take Parent B back to court to amend the order. Expensive and time consuming. And usually Parent B immediately starts to 'step up' as soon as they know they're being taken back to court. If you think you might agree to 50/50 I'd ask the solicitor if there can be, for lack of a better word, a 'monetary penalty' incurred if Parent B doesn't have the DC a 'reasonable percentage' of that 50%, discounting mutually agreed-upon variances.

I also think that if he's saying he'll 'pay half' for them that needs to be spelled out: school uniforms, sports kit, childcare, hobbies, clubs, school fees & activities, and it should include the phrase "Included but not limited to....".

Or better yet, go for EOW + 1 weeknight and get maintenance. If he wants them more than that you can graciously agree and even agree to 'shave off' a few £s if you're feeling magnanimous and he has them considerably more than ordered. But I have a feeling he'll be enjoying his new 'bachelor life' too much to play daddy more than the bare minimum.

@mummy917

I think he’s forgotten that he has started these chain of events and doesn’t seem to react well when I’m trying to be logical and get things in order

In my many years, I've found that men who want out of a marriage 'with a minimum of personal discomfort' are often disconcerted, sometimes even angry, when their wives, who were expected to collapse into a heap and beg them to stay, actually pull themselves together and act decisively in their own best interests. These men simultaneously want to get their egos stroked by a wife's 'hysterics' and also to walk away 'without a scene'. Idiots!

have only read forst post. tell him to leave and if you have kids make sure he takes the kids.

Please don't just read the first post and then make a stupid comment like this

If you are going to comment on a thread that has been around a while at least have the decency to read all of the OP's posts.
Else don't bother.

doesn’t seem to react well when I’m trying to be logical and get things in order.

I bet he doesn't!

He's living the life of Riley at the moment! Coming and going as he pleases, treating himself to a tattoo, wife caring for the children, uncomplicated shag on the side... what's not to like?

The reality is probably just starting to dawn on him.

When I started the divorce process 3 years ago I was ignorant of the legal side of agreements and it was a steep learning curve for me too. We agreed to not pension share as it would’ve meant spending a lot of money and time as you would need a specialist pension expert. The agreement to not have any claim on each others future wealth was added into the final agreement. 3 years later I am much more financially aware and better off than when I was married as I realised he wasn’t as astute as I thought he was with savings etc. I’m paying a bit more into my pension now, he always said I didn’t need to 🤔although his pension was a lot more than mine. If I can do it you will be fine it’s the emotional side that is harder but I found the logistics kept me going and focussed. He saw a different side to me and any questions to put me on the spot to agree to I learned to say ‘I’ll have a think about it and get my own advice’ which he didn’t like but I felt more empowered as the time went on. Good luck x

You say you don't want any of his money, but if he does less than 50:50 which seems likely (if he does turn out to have another woman or meets one it may be closer to zero), the kids are going to cost you more in terms of food, petrol, possibly utilities and possibly childcare. And things like holidays and days out and probably lots of things I haven't thought of. It seems unfair that you should shoulder all of that extra cost.

I also agree with others that you shouldn't waive your rights to his pension without having advice about what both yours and his are worth. He's had the opportunity to build that pension throughout your marriage, probably partly facilitated by you doing more of the childcare than he does.

Pensions are not complicated to work out . You need a current transferable value for each which is given free. They sit beside each other on the financial form. It's easy to add the two together and divide by two.
Yes some couples may choose to trade them for other things eg equity but that's a different scenario.

I'd be straight down the bank now getting my own account and putting everything I felt had been by my earnings from the other one in it. Maybe minus some amount for my spendings thar were not family related.

It's not uncommon for men to drain joint accounts when leaving you know. Expecially when they've been acting contemptuous towards you.

Women on here saying they'd never think he'd do them and the kids that way but he has.

Get down there and see that sorted ASAP. No need to wait for a diviorce that.

And make sure your wages are going into your bank account from now on.

No way would I be leaving my money in a shared account with that loose cannon.

I sorted out my own bank account weeks ago and we split our savings back then too. My wages also go into my new bank account.

I have had a day out with my friend today and currently plan on staying out until I know he’s started bedtimes. Had a few wobbles today as it’s felt very strange having a day of shopping where I haven’t had to consider him or the kids.

Take yourself out for something to eat 🙂

It's not unusual to have wobbles. Divorce is one of the hardest things to get through. But you will, and you will be happy again.

💐

Oh thank goodness, I thought you were saying you still had a joint account. That’s one less thing to worry about at least.

Yeah it’s bound to be strange for a while. At least you’ll get a few hours headspace.

Getting your own account was a great step!

For getting out of the house and staying away, I recommend going to the movies. It's a better distraction than sitting in a coffee shop or on a park bench.

I’m back home now, came home around 7pm. He’s been pulling his hair out all day with the kids, not listening etc.

I’ve just tried speaking to him about him paying his half for the bills this month as he’s not leaving until 30th and he became defensive straightaway. I simply tried to explain that if he doesn’t wish to pay his share here, he can go somewhere else and pay his way there instead. That also went down like a lead balloon. I don’t know how else he expects me to react or handle situations like these.

You are handling this perfectly and just not shying away from the discussions and arrangements. As PP said, sometimes they can't understand why you haven't just crumbled and begged them to stay.
Hope he is paying his way! Especially after spending ridiculous money on a tattoo instead of other, more important things.

Excellent that he has had the children on his own all day - it gives him a taste of what he can expect when he's on his own with them and will hopefully make him think about things a bit better.

Op if you get out again leave him as long as possible he doesn’t deserve any courtesy from you. He really thinks he is the big I am telling you what to do but not liking you standing up for yourself. He should be ashamed of himself not wanting to pay his share for his children but happily to blow money on a tattoo. Fuck him he’s a twat and you’re going to have lots of wobbles but you will come out with your head up. You are stronger than you realise good luck at your solicitor appointment.

The problem is that you are bringing his fantasy crashing down around his ears.

In the fantasy you are sad but resigned about the end of the marriage and support him in getting his shiny new life. The kids wont be upset and he can do whatever the hell he likes, all will be perfect.

Except, rather like Tom and Jerry, he has just been hit in the face with the frying pan of reality. And it aint nice. Today especially has given him a window into his future of when he has the kids on his own and doesnt have you pulling up the slack for him. Same with the bills, in his head it is your problem now as he has "left" you, so how dare you ask for his money? He needs that for his new social life!

He will have to continue to pay towards the mortgage and repair /maintenance costs of the home if he expects to get a % share of it on sale.

I don’t know how else he expects me to react or handle situations like these.

His expectations are generally unrealistic.

In fact he's living in a fantasy land where you look after his 4 kids without complaining while he does as he pleases.

That's not about to change.

You should be really proud of how you are dealing with this situation.
It is hard now but if you can deal with it this well at this stage, you will definitely survive whatever he throws at you and will thrive in the future.
I admire you and wish I had been as strong in the early days.

Thank you, that really does mean a lot 😊

However, I only feel as though I’m handling things as well as I am because I, like the vast majority of women, would go to the ends of the earth to do what’s right and best for my children. Plus, he’s shown me this side to him I didn’t know existed and I cannot unsee it now. He’s certainly not the man I married xx

He’s absolutely living in a dream world if he thinks he can stay here until he gets the keys to his new house and not pay his way. I’d much prefer if he did go somewhere else and pay his way there to be honest.

He can do as he pleases with money when he’s no longer living here, it won’t be my concern anymore. The only thing I’ll ever comment on going forwards, is if he prioritises unnecessary shit above providing for the kids when he has them xx