Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

He has ignored any suggestion of doing the 50/50 while he’s still living here. And instead just arranges things then leaves anyway and he knows I can’t do anything and am stuck because I have the kids with me.

I’ve suggested him taking them to see his mum but he refused, saying this time is for him to get some “headspace”. Meanwhile I have at least 3 kids hanging round my ankles at any one time, all wanting something different from me or constantly fighting. Headspace for me is non-existent. It’d be so easy to let the resentment build but one of us needs to put the kids first.

You're doing really well OP.

I am starting to worry about you not being in a good financial position if he moves out and you have no official agreement regarding divorce, custody or child maintenance.

The way he is behaving I would not be surprised if you end up with
a) still 90% of the parenting on you
b) no divorce because he keeps putting off paying for it
c) no financial support to do 90% of the parenting because he claims he is 50:50ing with you when in fact that is far from the truth

I have no direct experience with these matters myself but hoping someone on the group can advise.

i'm sorry for what you're going through, but based on all you have shared it sounds like your ex is a selfish person and a bad fathe. I hope you will be happy once he has moved out.

You are absolutely correct @mummy917someone has to put the kids first and you are doing just that (in my experience it is normally us mums that do). It's a shame he also doesn't see it respect your need for headspace.

Sorry OP, but I really think you need to put your foot down, now.

I didn't at the beginning, and I wish I had now because I've been treated like on-call, flexi, childcare for nearly 14 years. I've even had to cancel plans on occasions because he's changed arrangements at the last minute. If I now try to assert any boundaries, I get crappy texts, shouting and name-calling down the phone from him.

You're the one who deserves headspace - not him.

Edit: My ExH had the kids EOW, so just 4 days a month and still he couldn't organise his social life around those four days.

I will be financially okay even if it meant I had the kids 90% of the time, which to be honest I would rather, as he’s not painting himself in the best light for 50/50.

If he continues to drag his heels in regards to the divorce then I will just pay for it, for no other reason than I want the ball to be rolling at the very least. I know it’ll seem like I’m giving in to him, but for my own peace of mind and sanity, having the divorce in motion will help me.

My solicitor appointment that I had on Monday has been moved to Thursday 11th so I will be getting all the advice there I need. I have a notepad I’m taking with me and already have things written down that I want advice on.

The way he’s been regarding the kids over these last 2 months, I have it all written down in said notepad too to show the solicitor, as well as some texts to back up that I’ve asked him where he is/what time he is coming back.

I’m sorry you’re still going through crappy texts etc @McBuckers- he sounds like a piece of work too! But it ultimately comes down to doing what you think is right for the kids and they know they have us over a barrel with that xx

I do understand why you feel he should pay for the divorce,but .......
How good would it feel to just file for divorce yourself, let him know (or he might get an email I'm not sure) & make it very clear you can't wait to see the back of his sorry arse.

Can he stay with his parents until the 30th?

Put a note with the divorce papers saying he has the DC week on week off or does he propose a different 50/50 split cause that needs to be sorted/agreed before 30th.

You'll feel so much better when he is out of the house.

You're doing great 💐

"I know it’ll seem like I’m giving in to him, but for my own peace of mind and sanity, having the divorce in motion will help me."

I don't see it as giving in to him, but taking control of your life. File for divorce - its an epic fuck you moment.

Also remember there is no need to argue about anything - if he gets arsey about anyting it can be very very liberating to realise you don't have to argue back. There's no point to most arguments apart from some people really enjoy the space to be verbally aggressive that they can create. Just walk away.

Is he self employed or PAYE?

If he's self employed youll probably never get any child maintenance payments.

I agree with others. You need to push back, he sounds horrendous. He thinks he can do whatever he likes, well at the moment he can…

Obviously take advice from your solicitor, but honestly I would take control and file for divorce.

I will give him until the end of June to pay for the divorce, as he said he would and then I’ll take the next steps myself if needed xx

If it was me op I'd find an excuse to message his Mum while he's there. Say he's forgotten something or you couldn't reach him and wanted to check something..
The fact he won't take the kids make me think he's not going there at all and it'll be an excellent opportunity to get a better idea on if there is an ow.
You are doing amazingly well in all of this. Once he's out you can finally start to heal and build your new life x

Hi op he’s got a cheek telling you he needs headspace especially after going for his tattoo. It’s a good job you put the kids first he’s a joke of a dad like others have said he could take kids to his mum he’s probably not going there though. I really hope he pulls his weight once he leaves as he’s is being a terrible father now. You should tell him you also need your headspace seeing as he has known this was coming for a lot longer than you have. Remind him once he moves out it’s 50/50 and if he lets the kids down you won’t accept that. He’s a selfish twat.

@mummy917

Just out of curiosity, is there a reason why you can't be up and gone before he's supposed to leave? Put your handbag by the door ahead of time and just quietly walk out saying 'I'll be back' as you close the door and run to the car/away?

As far as the filing, there are distinct advantages to being the one who files. For one thing YOU control the timetable. It's harder for the 'respondant' to drag things out if the 'petitioner' is in charge of filing the next set of papers. This is something to speak to the solicitor about. But in my case and on attorney's (US) advice I was the one who filed. And it was a distinct advantage and sped up the process immensely. Plus I was able to 'set the terms'. Don't let pride or a misplaced sense of "You want it, you do it!" as some form of 'punishment' stop you from putting yourself in the best legal position.

I don't think any positive feelings will last much longer with the way he's treating his kids!

Apply for the divorce op
take control

No I don’t think he’s going to his mum’s either.

Yes he has been thinking about this since January time, I’m pretty sure of it even though he denies it.

I tried ringing his mum on Friday morning as he hadn’t came home at all on Thursday night and she didn’t answer and didn’t respond to my text asking if I could speak to him.

On the plus side, I’ve been out today with the kids for a picnic and then we went and ordered a new sofa as he’s said he’s taking the one we bought around 2 years ago. The finance agreement is in his name so I told him to take it and continue paying for it, and I would buy a new one.

I understand what people are saying about just going ahead and filing for divorce myself, it’s definitely something to think about. I’m going to see what the solicitor says next Thursday xx

I’d just be like “Suuuuuure you are. Tell your girlfrie- oh eh I mean mum I said hi!”.

Sod letting him think he’s getting away with it.

All the solicitors stuff is done separately and then you attach with the financial agreement etc documents near the end of the process if I remember rightly

I’m honestly clueless and feel like I’m going into all of this legal stuff totally blind really. But I suppose that’s the point of having this initial appointment with the solicitor to see what I need to do etc xx

Have you made a list of questions or topics you want to discuss?

How is your relationship with your in-laws?

However close you feel you are with them, don’t be at all surprised when they excuse his poor behaviour and make this all sound like your fault.

Hi op how are your kids coping? Maybe you should ask these amazing people on here what questions you need to ask your solicitor. Op write it all down tick them off ask you go I’m sure there are hundreds on here who have been divorced who could help you there are a lot of people rooting for you.

I got divorced in 2010, started the process in 2007. It took that long because exH kept not replying to letters, querying stuff etc etc.
He had to do his Form E (financial declaration) 3 times because he kept "forgetting " accounts.
I did mine once, then had to update it because 6 months had passed and I was more in debt...

Anyway, if you haven't already done it, get together all your financial paperwork, showing all your debts and assets, and all of your husband's too if possible.
If the solicitor can get an overview of finances he can give you a better idea of what outcomes are possible/probable.

The starting point is a 50:50 division of assets.
As there are children involved, the court want to ensure that the primary carer has adequate housing for them and the children. So there may be a different asset split.

Child maintenance is payable to the person who has the children living with them the majority of the time.
Hence why many men go for 50:50, but rarely actually do it.
That's why keeping a record of who has care at what time is very important.

I would go on record to him, by email, that if he wants 50:50 care of the children then it should start straight away. Both of you need "headspace" to come to terms with this new situation, not just him.
Then if he doesn't do it, it will be harder for him to argue for it later on.

It's rare to get spousal support, but it is possible (I did).

Also consider pension sharing (ie getting a share of his pension, depending on your age and if you have been working after having kids, and whether thats been full or part-time, and in your usual type of role).

All of this is negotiable. You could offset not getting spousal support by getting a share of his pension, for example...

If I think of anything else I'll add it later!

The kids are doing okay at the moment but I know it will hit them when he leaves at the end of the month 😩 we haven’t told them he’s got a moving date yet but are thinking of doing that next weekend so they have some time to get their heads around it and enough time to ask any questions etc.

I have a list of things I want to discuss with the solicitor. The first one is obviously the kids and this 50/50 split and my reservations about it. The other thing is my pension in particular. I’ve paid into my NHS pension for a number of years now and will continue to do so until I retire. I have made it very clear that I want there to be no chance of my husband coming after that in years to come and he’s said the same about his, so we are in agreement that we want something drawn up and in writing about that too.

In terms of assets, we don’t have any (I don’t think?). Our home is rented so we don’t have property to sell/split and while I earn a decent wage, my husband does still earn more, but I don’t want any part of it. We’ve agreed to pay everything split down the middle for whatever the kids need such as school uniforms, clothes, school trips etc etc. That I would like in writing too. But after years of having a joint account and having what I’ve spent being scrutinised several times, I’m looking forward to some financial independence and to me that also means not depending on him to give me money either if I don’t have to.

I will follow the advice of emails also in regards to the 50/50 childcare, but any other advice or things I should discuss with the solicitor are gratefully welcomed also 😊

Hi op I hope he doesn’t go back on his word about the pension and remember this is all his doing so never ever feel like it’s on you especially when the kids are upset. You’re basically the one doing everything lately even though you are struggling yourself while he’s fucks off without a care for them.