Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

I find myself going over things like this. I’ve been treading water with a husband who has hated me for many more years than I care to admit and I can think of many instances where someone has wronged me and he basically dismissed it. Like when his friend’s kid told me to fuck off when I asked them to stop digging up the flower bed, his response was “they’re only flowers”. And at the time I was hurt and confused that he was not on my side, I didn’t know what I had done wrong but now I know it’s just how narcissists treat people.

I’m still working on getting my head round so many things but I can recall many instances where something didn’t sit right, but I ignored it at the time, largely because he told me I was making a fuss over nothing, or may be he apologised and then carried on doing exactly what he had been doing.

This! I still love my sons dad, it's 9 years now but I know that person is gone, it's really difficult on rainy days not to look back & think "what if..?"

Keep being strong or you'll rinse & repeat 💐

So he wasn’t thinking about how supposedly awful and controlling you were throughout your marriage until… some point between February and March? And apparently after all of at most, a few weeks thought, on this out of the blue sudden magical realisation, he decided to tare his whole family apart.

Hmm…

More likely he’d already checked out by January but nothing woman shaped and wearing a skirt had showed up as a woman replacement appliance yet.

I wish we could all take you out on the day the divorce is finalised and get you a full makeover and your hair done and all that jazz just so you could walk in looking a million dollars. The stupid git is going to regret it when you’ve had a glow up cause he’s gone and you haven’t the need to tolerate his shit anymore.

You love the person he used to be. He's not that person anymore.

It sounds like he checked out of the marriage in January when you noticed his reaction was 'off'. He's way ahead of you emotionally, he's already mentally moved on while you're still getting your head around it.

When my ExH said he wanted a divorce I was in complete shock. But (afterwards) having seen the emails between him and the OW, It was clear he'd checked out weeks before, and after delivering his bombshell, he almost seemed relieved and contented.

I definitely do think he did start checking out in January at the very least @McBuckershis reaction was so out of character for how he’d always been but I just thought I was being daft.

He also seems relieved that things are moving (as am I to some extent but it does still sting). And even if there isn’t an OW yet, I do think he will have met someone within 6 months of leaving the family home

No @Sodthesystemhe had never mentioned these things before March but then said he’d felt as if it had been like this for the whole time we’d been together 🤔

@Scorchio84I’m so sorry you still feel that way but it’s understandable when you keep thinking of the person they were, or at least pretended to be.

@BeaniebobbinsI'm not surprised that upset you, it doesn’t matter what it was about, your husband should’ve had your back especially when someone spoke to you in such a disgusting way. It is easy to just ignore things at the time because you think they’d never behave that way towards you.

@Sodthesystemwouldn't it be lovely to all meet up and do that, to celebrate how strong we all are! Xx

There's nothing wrong with you still loving him, or rather, loving who he was. You share a history together. You built a home and a family together. And there were good times. So don't feel 'wrong' or upset with yourself for those feelings. Acknowledge them and keep moving forward. Those feelings will fade with time.

One real truth in life is that sometimes love is simply not enough. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are good or right for you. Things can start out 'right' but people change, or they reveal their 'true selves'. When that happens the best thing is to end things. To walk away, head held high. Walking away doesn't mean you don't expect and fight for what is due you under the law. It means remaining calm, and above all keeping your dignity. You'll be glad in the end that you did. So keep your tears for when you are alone. And remember that those tears will pass.

You don't have to discount the past good times when you acknowledge the current bad. My esDH and I had a wonderful marriage until alcohol took over his life. I cherish the memories of the good times, but acknowledge that those times are over.

You'll get through this. 1000s have before you, 1000s will after you. You are not alone.

Just read all your updates OP, I am really impressed by how strong and together you are. It's natural to be up and down and have days when you feely a bit shitty but you are absolutely keeping the show on the road.
I agree that he probably isn't thinking past the half of the week he will have free - he more than likely isn't aware of all of the tasks you complete in the background but he will find out soon enough.
Try not to worry to much about it there is someone else, I think there is, but you will find out in due course! It always comes out.
I would be pushing for him to manage the 50/50 pattern (or whatever you have agreed) now, it will be easier to see how likely it is to be maintained and given him a bit of a reality check - he's going to have to start booking things in when he is actually available and arranged cover if he has the kids.
Fingers crossed the house goes through quickly and he is out, and definitely make him pay for the divorce - he wanted it after all!

He’s been accepted for the house but moving date isn’t until 30th. I feel strange. There’s sadness but I’m not sure what exactly it’s for other than the kids. It’s not sadness because I still want to be with him, because I don’t, it’s just a very odd feeling and I can’t describe it or put my finger on it.

He has gone out at half 5 tonight and said he’d be back late 🙄 I have already put Saturday as a full day to myself while he has the kids because tomorrow is his tattoo.

I asked him last night if he was filing for divorce at the end of the month and all I got was “if I can afford it, yes”. I don’t want that side of things to drag on and on either.

whatever you think is the bare minimum of this man expect less. You cannot rely on him for anything, whatever he says he will do he won’t or it he won’t do it properly. Everytime my ex does something shitty or doesn’t do what he said he would. have a friend who messages back just saying “zero expectations”. I am slowly learning what this really means.

I wouldn't let him hold the divorce over me like that, if I were you.
How do you feel about taking control and starting it yourself now? You can probably charge him in the settlement.
Plus the priceless part is empowering yourself. X

I do want to just file and pay for it but the principle of him wanting this in the first place, so I want him to pay for it, is what’s stopping me. And I know that probably sounds petty, but I feel like I’ve had little to no say in my own life over the last 2 months and now have to deal with him staying here until 30th so I want him to realise that there’s things I won’t back down on.

Obviously if he still “can’t afford it” come the end of July, I might not be saying the same thing xx

I’m definitely seeing this more and more and my expectations of him have dramatically changed over the last 2 months xx

Op there is light at the end of your tunnel the 30th is better than not knowing also if you do start the divorce speak to anyone you know who has been through it and can recommend you a great solicitor. He’s a selfish man and anyone else who dates him will see this at least with 50/50 he has to parent. Op you’re allowed to be sad it’s the end of your life as it was (grief) with no say in the matter he’s took all your control away. Keep going you’re stronger than you think.

Is he a heavy sleeper? Because putting loads of heavy moisturiser on a brand new tattoo can wreck it......just saying.....

Oh yeah, absolutely! My cheater did the same thing, relieved and happy! Prior to that, crocodile tears, fake reconcile and all that shite!

Oh so true. I am going through this myself too.

Thank you everyone. And I must admit, the moisturiser on his tattoo made me laugh 🤣 he’s just left to go and get it so that’s him out “until it’s done” in his words. He came back at half past midnight last night too, so I’ve told him this morning that this 50/50 isn’t 50/50ing really 🤔

So sorry you’re going through this too @EnjoyThePettyLiarhow far into it are you? Xx

How much is the divorce? Because I’d say tonight ‘filing for divorce is £xxx. How much was your tattoo again? Why was it you can’t afford a divorce? Have you checked how far off 50/50 parenting you are actually doing? I’m not going to help you with the answer because that would be wife work but judges have never found I’m getting a tattoo as a reason that you can’t actually parent your children.

The divorce is £612 and his tattoo is costing £400 🤯

I’d say at the moment that it’s around 90/10 parenting by looking at the calendar. Over the last week he’s only had them for a total of 5 hours over 2 different nights since Saturday. I’ve done all school/nursery runs and pick ups, all bath times and he’s done bedtime for the oldest 2 twice in a week, but I’ve done bedtime for the twins every single night and for the older 2, 5 nights.

I’ve set tomorrow aside for myself but he’s then said he’s going out at 3 on Sunday afternoon to see his mum but won’t be back until late again 🙄 and realistically there’s no way I can actually stop him.

Well he’s soon going to be getting a shock when he finds out what 50/50 means once he’s out! What a plonker.
Think you should tell him you are also getting a tattoo with the word Freedom on it…
X

Hi @mummy917
I've read all your posts and most of TFT.
So sad at how many women are currently going through this.

Divorce survivor here too, and have to say it is the gift that keeps on fucking giving.

Make the most of your Saturday, I hope you have some fun things planned.

You CAN stop him from going out on Sunday - go out in the morning 'for a couple of hours', then get 'unavoidably detained', 'you'll get back as soon as you can' - then switch your phone off and go to the cinema.
When you get home tell him a friend was distraught as she's just discovered her husband's having an affair.
Or don't give him a reason, just say you couldn't get back...

Anyway, you are doing really well. Stand your ground re the 50:50, tell him what the % is so far (he probably thinks he's been doing more than his share!). Keep recording it on the calendar, will be very useful if/when it goes to court.

💐

I would lay out a 50/50 pattern (a 5,5,2,2 or what ever you decide on), describe what he has actually done so far - a generous 10% and how much maintenance he can expect to pay if that continues.

He can choose now to start as he means to go on and manage a 50/50 respectfully or you can start doing as PPs have suggested, giving yourself some time where you can and have to eat into his through unavoidable circumstances. He's acting like a complete prick.

As for the tattoo 🙄 of course that takes priority over the payment for the divorce he wants. I assume he's expecting you to pay for it!

Also agree with keeping a record of what he is doing just in case.

Why can’t he go in the day instead and take the dc to see their nan?