Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

@mummy917 and I assume after today he won’t be pushing for 50/50.

No, still definitely wants 50/50 he said tonight. He was run ragged when I got home trying to juggle everything. I did feel bad for the kids because their bedtime routines are normally smooth and relaxed, but it was quite chaotic. He is going to see his mum around 3pm tomorrow afternoon so it’ll be me doing baths and bedtime again tomorrow, so their normality will resume then 😊

Wont last when he is genuinely doing it 50% of time. They all want 50/50 so they dont have to pay until they realise what that means. Right now he has only done it once but as soon as he gets into the grind of doing it daily he may decide that paying you to do it for him may be preferable. I know of several men who insisted on 50/50 and now, within a few years, only one of them is still doing it and he was a good and involved father from day one. I (and his ex wife) genuinely believe that he did it because he wanted to be with them as much as possible, but they had an amicable split with no cheating on either side.

Have you asked him what his childcare plans are for his half of each week? Because if he plans to keep it as it is now, he needs to be budgeting to pay for his half of the bill. I believe (IANAL but as I said I have friends have been through it) that you can get this put in to the financial order in the divorce if you think he will flake to try and get you to pay for it.

Anti depressants aren't addictive.

Yes they are. Not physically, but psychologically. There are studies that show that many many people are reluctant to come off them as they believe they can't cope without them. They were never intended to be a long term medication but I know several people (my father is one) who refuse to even consider coming off them, its been about 15 years for him. He wont listen to anyone about it. Frankly I dont think he needed them in the first place but his doctor did the easy prescription rather than refer him to talking therapy to come to terms with his blindness.

Do you have anywhere you could stay overnight whilst living together so he has the reality of 50/50?

Then the only reason he's pushing for 50/50 is so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. He already knows that 50/50 'on paper' doesn't mean he 'has to' have them 50% of the time. Courts will force the RP to hand the DC over to the NRP, but it won't force the NRP to have the children enough to meet his 'quota' of days.

@AcrossthePond55 I'm ignorant on this subject - is there a "resident parent" and a "non-resident parent" when it's 50/50? I'd assumed that they're both resident parents in that situation, but perhaps not?

To tell the truth, IDK. I'm not in the UK lol. I guess I should have used Parent 1 and Parent 2.

But I do know that the 50/50 to avoid maintenance is a real thing in the UK. Where I am child support (US term) is based on the parents' incomes. A friend and his ex had their kids 50/50 and he still had to pay child support because his income was higher than hers. I think they look at it as maintaining the child's 'standard of living' in both households.

Op you are doing so well. So much of my experience was similar to yours, I really resonated with much of what you've said. I'm now 15 years down the line and wish I'd been as organised as you - MN told me he wasn't my friend and I really believed he was: he was not. He wanted 50:50, but that quickly went to about 80:20 and once the OW materialised, he moved 4 hours away and did precisely 100:fuck all.
It gets easier. You may crash a bit once the adrenaline wears off, but it all gets easier. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to find you again.

I could stay at my parents’ overnight but I want to be here when the kids wake up. I’m very aware that in a few weeks I won’t have the privilege of waking up to them every single morning, it’ll only be half the week 😩 @BettyscakeShop

@AcrossthePond55I’m really not sure what the process is as my husband also earns more than I do, but I’ll be asking the solicitor all of this on Thursday. I am worried how he would do 50/50 when after one day he was so highly strung by the time I got home. 4 young kids is stressful at times, especially as our 3 youngest are 4 and 2 year old twins.

@IwouldifIcouldreachitthank you, and I’m sorry you went through it too. It’s so sad that he moved 4 hours away when the other woman came out of the woodwork but you sound like you’ve done an amazing job!

I 100% know my husband has not had my best interests at heart for the vast majority of 2026, so I’ve stopped considering his now also. It’s not easy and I’ve had so many shitty days, but the good ones are now starting to outweigh the bad.

I know more bad ones will come, especially when he has the kids for the first time for half the week (if he manages this) and the day he moves out when the kids will be inconsolable.

I do intend on using the time I don’t have the kids to find myself again. Going back to work is also something I’ll be thinking about once he’s left at the end of the month, I just need to make sure I’m around for the kids for that initial period once he’s gone xx

Eugh
you must cringe when he says he’s going to see his ‘mum’. Just like when my adulterous father went ‘walking’ or my ex regularly went to ‘Tesco’ (for 3 hours)
my exh wanted 50/50. He used to pawn ds off to his mother for most of his time. After he lost his driving license and job I took him to mediation and he eventually crumbled . He only pays me £35 a week cm now anyway (when he remembers)

It does feel like a bit of a gut punch when he says he’s going to see her, as when we were together he would never go to her house. She wasn’t a very involved grandparent (her choice), so we saw very little of her in general and now he apparently goes there for 8+ hours at a time 🙄 I’m sure he thinks I was born yesterday. However, I’m not sure what difference it would make now if I found out he has another woman. Short of following him, I don’t know how else to get any real proof.

I’m so sorry your ex is so flaky and unreliable but your children sound as though they’re better off with you anyway. £35 is laughable but you sound like you’re doing an amazing job on your own xx

@mummy917no there’s no point trying to find out who she is. You know that’s what he’s up to it makes no difference now. I wonder if he realises divorces are ‘no fault’ now.

thank you . It took a few years to settle down. And it was all about him not wanting to give me any money . I hope things settle for you too soon .

The gut punch feeling is rotten but at least you can know now what's going on, you'll find out who she is before long so don't waste energy digging.
My H tries to tell me he's not talking to ow while he's still living here (he is also leaving at the end of the month).
I do let him know I'm not daft. He'll come back from a dog walk and I'll ask how his girlfriend is, or ask what his girlfriend thinks when he tells me about his plans.
Honestly when you read the threads on here these men are all following the same playbook but somehow manage to convince themselves they are masters of deception 🙄

How does he respond when you ask how his girlfriend is?

It is crazy how similar their stories etc all are. I bet you’re also counting down the days until the end of the month!

Part of me wishes it would come out now that he had someone else, because I think it’d make it much easier to hate him.

Ohhh.. I think I would be soooo tempted to wink at him when he says he's going to his mum's. A proper theatrical wink. If he asks why you are winking just turn away with a grin and say "No reason!". It would wind him up no end 😂 but I suspect OP is nicer than me.

You are doing amazingly well but as another pp mentioned, watch out for the adrenaline crashes. Use those times to snuggle on sofa with a blanket, kids movie and a hot chocolate. They will eventually become less over the span of a year

Sometimes he's snarky/defensive sometimes he looks very sheepish but it gives me a bit of satisfaction 🤣

Just to add, my brother in law did this when the kids were under 6 no doubt because it was hard work and involved putting others before himself. Soon came running back when the glow of newness of his new relationship dulled and he realised the woman also had needs and it wasn’t all about him. His ex wife was having none of it and he’s spent the last 10 years pining for what he’d had. But that ship has well and truly sailed.tWishing you strength for what lies ahead x

@mummy917

I am worried how he would do 50/50 when after one day he was so highly strung

But that's the thing, he won't actually do 50/50 and he knows that. He also knows that if 50/50 is ordered he won't have to pay maintenance AND that the court can't force him to have the children more than he actually wants to. So unless he has a ready-made babysitter to do the actual 'work' of childcare you'll be doing the lion's share AND won't get maintenance to help you afford it. And he'll be living his 'bachelor life' and seeing his DC only when he feels like it. Which will not be 50% of the time.

I mean, think of right now. You have an 'agreement' that you will split the days 50/50. Is he actually living up to that bargain? No. So why would you think he will when he's gone?

Yes. @mummy917 are you recording the actual time split? If you can show early on that 50/50 isn’t happening while you’re in the same house, would that make it more likely that the order will be more limited so he’s paying some maintenance?

I have it all in a notepad and on a calendar of what we agreed and what he’s actually stuck to. It’s still doing around 90% to his 10%. He made them breakfast this morning while I had a quick shower and he went out at half 11 this morning then won’t be back until after their bedtimes now, probably after I’ve gone to bed too 🙄

Keep on keeping your record. And I'd advise keeping quiet about it and about how he's not doing his 50%. It's that old saying 'give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves'. If he wants to hang himself, let him.

Yeah that’s the thing, they might pull him up if he doesn’t pay the money he’s supposed to but they won’t pull him up if he doesn’t put in the time he’s supposed to. You’ll still be doing the same amount of childcare and not getting paid his share.

I’d be telling him “you seriously expect me to believe you will do your 50/50? You couldn’t even handle last night. So what I’m supposed to pretend to believe you’ll do your share and accept not getting your financial share when you inevitably dump them? Nah! I’ll be going for primary custody and you can have them when you like but you’re paying child support”.

No way would I let the chancer try wiggle out of paying AND parenting. He will parent exactly the amount that suits him either way, so get your dues.

You don’t have to explain your strategies to him. He can ask for 50/50 and then, in court or with the mediator, you can bring out your record which should be clearly marked “expected or agreed vs performed.” Keep this record secret until you need it. Do not discuss it as a tradeoff with financial support. He will pretend its an issue of love for the children or a duty you have to foster his relationship with them. Bit its not. Its life or death fir your new little household. You can’t let him pretend to give them 50/50 when you know he will default.