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Original poster

How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

174 replies

MadisonMontgomery · 12/05/2026 11:04

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

OP posts:
WhatYouWearing · 12/05/2026 11:11

I have no advice really but I do feel sad for your friend. She obviously sees your relationship in a different light.

WhatYouWearing · 12/05/2026 11:13

Do you have genuine friends, a real best friend, and do you ever talk of them when you meet up with this casual friend?

Galaxylights · 12/05/2026 11:16

WhatYouWearing · 12/05/2026 11:11

I have no advice really but I do feel sad for your friend. She obviously sees your relationship in a different light.

I agree.

Imagine you keep meeting up with someone you think likes you and they think this about you. It's honestly quite rotten behaviour.

You may think you are people pleasing op but this is very unkind to keep it going like this.

You've had many opportunities to let it fade but you keep agreeing to meet up with her. That isn't saying you don't want to be friends with her!

I feel like you've created this situation, now it's time to undo it before you really hurt her.

rubyslippers · 12/05/2026 11:18

It’s interesting how two people can have such different ideas about the status of their friendship
I don’t think you can meet in the middle on this one so if you decline it will have a fall out for sure

Original poster
MadisonMontgomery · 12/05/2026 11:19

WhatYouWearing · 12/05/2026 11:13

Do you have genuine friends, a real best friend, and do you ever talk of them when you meet up with this casual friend?

Yes, I do! I don’t have millions of friends, but I have two ‘best friends’ and other friends I would class as closer than wedding friend. I do talk about stuff I have done with others, and actually included her on a night out with my two best friends a few years ago, but she didn’t like them.

I do feel bad and also really guilty, as I haven’t ever prioritised her - I truly never thought she saw me as a close friend.

OP posts:
IgnoreIt · 12/05/2026 11:21

This is exactly what people-pleasing gets you -- stuck in a relationship with someone you don't particularly like or respect because you've never been honest with them.

The wedding is two years away. You will just have to start being honest and find your way out of the friendship before then.

UpDownAllAround1 · 12/05/2026 11:25

Maybe a message saying you valued her friendship in the past but you are at a different stage in your life today and would prefer if we had no further contact in the future. Then change your phone number.

Aliceinmunsnetland · 12/05/2026 11:29

UpDownAllAround1 · 12/05/2026 11:25

Maybe a message saying you valued her friendship in the past but you are at a different stage in your life today and would prefer if we had no further contact in the future. Then change your phone number.

Or just ease out and not be so available for meet ups in future, let it fade off.

Galaxylights · 12/05/2026 11:31

UpDownAllAround1 · 12/05/2026 11:25

Maybe a message saying you valued her friendship in the past but you are at a different stage in your life today and would prefer if we had no further contact in the future. Then change your phone number.

I think I would prefer this. I'd rather know someone didn't wish to socialise with me anymore than not getting it.

I know mumsnet is a fan of the big fade but I think if you're the one pulling back, put on your big person pants and just be honest. It's better for all around or you end up like op!

MagpiePi · 12/05/2026 11:33

Seems a bit OTT to change your phone number because there is one person that you want to ghost.

Mix56 · 12/05/2026 11:35

Well dont go on the hen obv.

DappledThings · 12/05/2026 11:36

You can easily say no to the hen do on the basis that regardless of how much notice there is that you don't have the AL or budget for extra holidays.

The wedding is one weekend in two years? That seems like it would be a very small imposition on you it would be very churlish to refuse.

INX · 12/05/2026 11:40

I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

This is a cop out.

You're a grown woman pretending to be more into this friendship than you actually are.

You could've let it fizzle out a long time ago but you made the decision not to.

Just tell her that you don't want to go and the friendship will end anyway.

Original poster
MadisonMontgomery · 12/05/2026 11:44

DappledThings · 12/05/2026 11:36

You can easily say no to the hen do on the basis that regardless of how much notice there is that you don't have the AL or budget for extra holidays.

The wedding is one weekend in two years? That seems like it would be a very small imposition on you it would be very churlish to refuse.

Yes, the hen do is relatively easy to get out of, but I feel so false about the wedding - attending as her ‘best friend’ even though I’m not? But it seems awful to be like thanks for the invite but I don’t see you that way.

I feel like the most unkind person for not ending the friendship sooner, but I honestly thought she saw it the same way I did, a bit of an obligation to someone you’ve known for years. I really didn’t think she even liked me that much, I’m not some super popular person people love to spend time with.

OP posts:
NewcastleNancy · 12/05/2026 11:45

Something like this happened to me.

It was someone I worked with that I had been asked to befriend.

So we'd go out on occasions and get drunk. She visited me a few times.

Then she got engaged and made me her chief bridesmaid! It was such an odd experience and I was single at the time so had to cope with it all alone. Also being a single female I was viewed with deep suspicion by all the women so just went to bed early and hot footed it out of the next day.

Then she came to visit and had (horror or horrors) had my bouquet dried and framed as a special memory for me.

He cheated on her and she had an acrimonious divorce.

When I got engaged a few years ago (we are now in our 60's) she blocked me on all social media.

Always an odd relationship that just got stranger and stranger.

But sorry no advice on how to say you don't want to go as I went along with it all.

NN

UpDownAllAround1 · 12/05/2026 11:47

MagpiePi · 12/05/2026 11:33

Seems a bit OTT to change your phone number because there is one person that you want to ghost.

That was meant as a joke really. Blocking will suffice.

FrenchandSaunders · 12/05/2026 11:51

UpDownAllAround1 · 12/05/2026 11:25

Maybe a message saying you valued her friendship in the past but you are at a different stage in your life today and would prefer if we had no further contact in the future. Then change your phone number.

Christ that seems harsh ...

catipuss · 12/05/2026 11:54

Get out of the hen do, and go to the wedding how bad can it be? A few hours of your life to make her happy. If she thinks of you as her best friend she obviously doesn't have any friends, it will be so embarrassing for her to have no friend at her wedding.

oviraptor21 · 12/05/2026 11:56

I'd opt out of the hen do on the grounds of annual leave/expense etc.
The wedding I would go to if still invited. I would do a slow fade prior to that though. If she cottons on the invitation may not materialise anyway as it's a fair way off.

Onetimeusername1 · 12/05/2026 12:01

Perhaps she is really bad a fostering and keeping friendship (if she is judgey then this is likely). She may have made a huge deal out of your friendship in front of her fiancé as it's embarrassing to admit she doesn't have any friends?

DilettanteRedRagger · 12/05/2026 12:06

MadisonMontgomery · 12/05/2026 11:44

Yes, the hen do is relatively easy to get out of, but I feel so false about the wedding - attending as her ‘best friend’ even though I’m not? But it seems awful to be like thanks for the invite but I don’t see you that way.

I feel like the most unkind person for not ending the friendship sooner, but I honestly thought she saw it the same way I did, a bit of an obligation to someone you’ve known for years. I really didn’t think she even liked me that much, I’m not some super popular person people love to spend time with.

Show quote history

OP, I know this isn’t fun to hear, but there’s a difference between people pleasing and cowardice. If you were genuinely a people pleaser, you’d be just fine with all of this. You’re just someone who feared her reaction (and many of us would! As you said, she’s judgmental and disliked your ACTUAL best friends! When she said that about my best friends, the relationship would have been over), so you didn’t tell her you weren’t that close, and now it’s time to rip the bandage off while there’s still two years until the wedding - you will look like absolutely the worst kind of arsehole if you’re in all her hen do and wedding photos and then you drop her at some point in the future, especially because you risk eventually having to tell her that you ALWAYS felt that way.

If you’re a genuine people pleaser, this is a non-issue. But it sounds more like you fear the reactions, judgment, and anger of other people - that’s something therapy can help with.

Endofyear · 12/05/2026 12:14

I would get out of the hen do, it's perfectly reasonable to say you can't afford it or you can't get AL from work. But I would probably attend the wedding, it's a few hours out of your life! You've allowed the friendship to continue all this time so it's a bit mean to suddenly turn round and say you don't like the woman.

DappledThings · 12/05/2026 12:17

MadisonMontgomery · 12/05/2026 11:44

Yes, the hen do is relatively easy to get out of, but I feel so false about the wedding - attending as her ‘best friend’ even though I’m not? But it seems awful to be like thanks for the invite but I don’t see you that way.

I feel like the most unkind person for not ending the friendship sooner, but I honestly thought she saw it the same way I did, a bit of an obligation to someone you’ve known for years. I really didn’t think she even liked me that much, I’m not some super popular person people love to spend time with.

Show quote history

I think feeling a bit awkward isn't a decent reason to not go to a wedding. Not unless you are going to bite the bullet and fully explain to her you think her expectations of the friendship are so vastly different to yours.

Viviennemary · 12/05/2026 12:19

Just go to the wedding. It's only a day. Your friend will be really hurt if you don't go.

Growingaseed · 12/05/2026 12:21

OP this made me laugh. You know you are going to be bridesmaid right?

The truth is she likely doesn't have any friends. I suspect most people have been put off by the same reasons you have and ditched her over time. She views you as her best friend not because you are close but because she doesn't have anyone else.

I think you should do the wedding - it's just one day. You can presumably bring your partner? It will be nice to see her get married as you've been friends a long time. The day will be a bit of a whirl anyway but you can have nice food and photos etc.

Dont go to the hen if it's abroad, that's fair enough to get out of.