How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

I’m curious @Shortbreadel - did you tell your ex-friend the truth about why you didn’t want to be her MoH? Did she reply?

If your the only friend going that suggests your the only friend she’s got. Seems strange she’s only inviting family and you if that’s not the case.

I would honestly just let it fade. I have done this when friendships have changed/I feel worse after seeing friends than I did before seeing them/we have nothing in common/I don't think they are particular nice people/ we stop having things in common etc. It is quite simple and easy- just take longer each time to reply to messages. Be non- committal. Keep things brief. Do not meet up. Say you are so busy/can't make any of the dates suggested work, then every time- wait even longer to reply etc etc. When or if they wedding invite still arrives, politely decline. You don't need to "split up" officially with friends in a dramatic/blunt/ formal way as some have suggested, just let it naturally run its course.

personally i go to keep the peace

This is a massive stretch. There’s nothing about this in the OP’s posts.

Oh god, just go to the wedding and have a nice time.
It feels odder of you to have gone along with this friendship you don’t seem to like very much, than it is of this woman to think fondly of you enough to invite to her wedding. Like you seem horrified to have had this friendship solidified as a friendship even though you’ve played an active role in it. Do you not want other people to know about it or something :/

This "friendship" is entirely 1 sided and likely will end soon anyway. Why actually suggest OP takes up a precious, costly place at a wedding she doesn't want to be at and doesn't even like the bride? I look back at our wedding photos with guests- even bridesmaids who aren't friends/in my life anymore and it really annoys me! Fade friendship out so she doesn't get hugely hurt and do not go to her wedding.

Back out now with the nice messages suggested by another poster earlier on this thread. And please keep in mind that people pleasers tend to tell themselves they are kind but they are often quite sly and judgemental

OK, I have been in similar situations myself an its never easy. The truth is you will never live up to her expectations so reality will come calling at some point, its just how you do it. You already know you don't want this friendship, you owe her nothing and you don't have to have a dramatic conversation.

You have two whole years before the official invitations go out. So start fading now, forget to return calls or messages or be non-committal. In all likelihood she will get the message and you will never get the wedding invitation.

Is this really something people would do, in real life? I see the arguments for not letting an unproductive friendship drag on. But putting myself in the position of the friend, I'd feel incredibly hurt to receive a message like this, especially with no real warning.

Jeez that's kinda extreme 😂

Why doesn't she just move house while she is at it 😂

Join the Hell's Angels, rob a store, start selling drugs outside a school or...tell her you have done this even if you haven't.

You know by now what her hot button issues are. Use that knowledge to engender the ick in her. ( :

People pleasers are pleasing themselves by avoiding honesty, not anyone else. You're meeting up with her, letting her believe you're friends, even though you don't want to be anymore. Get a backbone and say no. Better for both of you and definitely for the woman you call a friend.

It’s sad she sees you as more than you do her but also a little weird that she sees you as her best friend as it doesn’t sound like you act like one! It’s age away so I’d gradually drift apart and then nearer the time cancel and say you can’t make it.

I made friends with someone and we hadn’t been friends for that long but I was going through a really anxious time and she was also quite anxious so we could relate to eachother. She then asked me to be her MOH and I freaked out as I barely knew her! I had to say I couldn’t do it due to anxiety and just drifted apart from there if I’m honest!

I was on the other end of this, 10 years ago. Had a good friend at work. We both left that job but both stayed working in the same area. We would meet up outside of work, evenings out, lunch in the park, etc.

Then one day I casually suggested where we should go for lunch that day, as one of us would always do. I was met with "Sorry, I've decided it's best we don't do this anymore, I'm at a different place than you, quite clearly, and don't wish to continue this. All the best to you and the family".

Out of the blue, completely. No warning or anything. No argument. Happily met with me for lunches, dinner, etc. Then, that. I'm over it now but if I'm reminded of it, I do get upset.

She also blocked me on LinkedIn. No, I didn't do a single thing to annoy her.

Yep. Happened to me, I just wrote a post about it.

Go to the wedding, skip the hen.

I feel so sorry for your friend. I would carry on being friendly occasionally, say no to the hen do and just go to the church part/register office part of the wedding. Say you have family commitments later in the day. But don’t ruin her special day especially if it’s a small gathering, she obviously really cares about you and she deserves a lovely day with people she loves.

when I got engaged I assumed my best friend (since school so 40years now) would be thrilled for us. We are all very close friends and she and her ex hubby for example stayed with us before their honeymoon etc. She was thrilled on the day as I saw her and showed her my ring, but then it went a bit silent. We were going to ask her and her partner to be our witnesses at a register office then go for a pub lunch nothing else as we are LC or NC with family, she knows the 40years of history of this.

When I next spoke to her about it as I assumed she would want to know as I did for her wedding she told me she would not be attending. Regardless of date, year anything. I was utterly gobsmacked.

We live a long way from my hometown where she is so I even said well we will travel to there and she still said she won’t be attending, no explanation.

That was over 6 years ago and we haven’t married as I was utterly devastated. Our friendship has not recovered as I feel like she was my best friend for 40years but I’m not sure what I was or am.

Deline the hen night, but go to the wedding.

End it for both your sakes. I definitely wouldn't attend the wedding.

Bloody hell @Butterme thats a bit harsh 😂 I honestly don’t think the issue is that I’m jealous of her - she has an amazing job, and her fiancé is a really lovely bloke, but I’ve only ever been happy for her that she has the things she wants, I don’t dislike her and only wish her the best, and I’m actually very happy with my life.

I don’t dislike her, we are very very different people who were only brought together because of circumstances - we’re the same age, grew up a few streets away from each other and did the same hobby so our parents used to coordinate lifts etc, and we would train together sometimes out of lessons. I had always, honestly, believed she kept in touch with me out of obligation, and felt things would fizzle out eventually. We must meet up 4 or 5 times per year, and we very rarely exchange a message between these meetings. This has really blindsided me.

She isn’t your best friend, but you might still be hers. I would go to the wedding, honestly, but you definitely don’t have to go to the hen party.

I think if you tell her "thank you so much for the invite for hen do but I just wouldn't at all be comfortable attending with people I don't know", she'll probably be annoyed but will see you're not willing to "put yourself out there for her", so to speak, and that may make her reassess the friendship. Don't lie to get out of it, it can be a way of easily changing up your dynamic.

I'm getting married this summer and having an abroad hen do (legit cheaper than doing it in the UK) and was v upfront that "no is a complete sentence, you don't need to give me an excuse as I know it requires A/L and spending money etc". Some people said yes straight away, some said no straight away, others haven't been able to make it for genuine reasons they wanted to share with me, but one said they were coming and then bailed at the last minute. The way they worded their message left me feeling like I'm just not a priority to them. It has made me view the friendship differently.

Obviously, I don't know your dynamic but if she sees you as a best friend, she'll assume you're going on the hen do and when you tell her you don't want to, it will change how she sees you. As you want that, surely that's only a good thing? I do feel sorry for her but it's kinder to be as honest as you can. The hen do, IMO, is a good starting point.

In that case, don’t go to hen do, but go to wedding then do a slow fade afterwards.

I do get your point re friends. I had a best friend from a young age but her mum and mine were best friends and so were our brothers. We met up after she finished uni and stayed in touch by letter but all of us really had not much in common and fell out of touch. It’s a pity really as we went on holiday a few times together (with family) and on countless days out, we were always at the others houses, went to school together. I heard from her mum that in her 40s after her dad died she had a mental health breakdown with a hospital stay. She also lives near me but I’ve never seen her there. I guess these things just happen.

My god, why the need to completely block her? A friendship doesn’t have to be all or nothing!