How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

Sounds like she will be asking you to be chief bridesmaid. If you do not say no to this you will have 2 years of wedding planning chat, including organising the hen do. Remember it's a request not a summonds.

This!!!!!!

I agree with what a PP said - She views you as her best friend not because you are close but because she doesn't have anyone else.

I think the wedding is a way of focussing your mind. The wedding itself doesn't matter, it's one day. The main issue is, do you want to keep this not really a friendship going for another two years? I can't see why you would, you say you dread seeing her and have little in common. So fade her out.

She obviously sees things differently .I think to attend the wedding ,doesnt seem like there will be loads of people .I think its a nice thing to do really.You have known her a long time and she will appreciate it I think

Just tell her the truth. Earlier the better.

I would avoid the hen but go to the wedding. Going to a wedding doesn't tie you to being friends for life. I have lost touch with a couple of people who came to my wedding (though it was 20 years ago now). But the point is, you don't have to let attending the wedding define the friendship.

I think you could be as kind as possible, but also use this as a way to set some perspective, eg ‘that’s so lovely to be invited, thank you. I need to say no, though, as I’d feel a bit out of place at a close family event. But thank you for the offer.’

Perhaps?

I don’t really understand why it would be so difficult to just attend the wedding and not make it into this big problem for yourself. Treat it as a party where u go to have a bit of fun, eat and drink well. To me it would seem extremely odd to respond to a wedding invitation by saying you don’t see the person as a good enough friend. Anyways it’s two years from now, so situations may change by then anyway. Maybe your relationship will fade and you won’t get an invite anyway. You sound a bit smug tbh saying you have millions of friends and just see this person for…what? Because you have to?

Why's it false? She may not be your best friend, but it looks like you're hers.

There's nothing wrong with an asymmetrical friendship. I know I'm probably not the "best" friend of either of my two best friends. Frankly, I'm quite a solitary person so need a lot less contact with them than they need from a best friend. I'm happy enough seeing them for a few pints once a month or so, whereas they see their best friends far more often.

If you actively dislike this woman and don't want to see her again, then tell her now. Otherwise, just make an excuse for the hen do and go and enjoy the wedding or someone you like. She doesn't need to be your best friend for you to enjoy her wedding.

A lot of people go to weddings when they’d rather not. Just go to the wedding

This is a bit harsh, we feel how we feel. She's never promised her they're best friends or even really conducted that kind of relationship with her. She's met up when asked, no more than that.

Does she have any other friends?

Why didn't she like your 2 friends?

The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

another coincidental family wedding!

No, you have to say no. This will then wreck the best friendship and allow you to exit. You are not able to afford the hen party abroad and so going to the wedding you wouldn't feel it appropriate. Text

Having thought about this I really will not be able to come to the hen party and that leaves me in the position if I can't come to the hen party I shouldn't be accepting your invitation to the wedding. Its just not going to be able to happen, costs etc.

whatever her reply - reiterate

I'm not able to come to the hen party and subsequently the wedding, let's just leave it at that. I wish you well for the party, your wedding day and the future.

If she comes back again

I can only reiterate what I have previously sent, I wish you well in the future.

As opposed to the slow fade where the friend spends months trying to work out what she's done and how to fix it? The wording might be direct but it's honest at least

I can't go to the hen so I can't come to the wedding is just going to start a back and forth about how of course she can. It's such an odd excuse. Op owes this woman some honesty, not mind games.

So drag the fake friendship on for TWO MORE YEARS? Then what, she has to keep it up unto the Christening when she's made God Mother?

Tell her the truth, she’ll have 2 years to get over it. It’s much nicer to do that rather than waste her time for years pretending to be her friend or to ghost her.

Oh dear that’s true. But I think dodging the godmother bit should be fairly easy. I don’t think the OP need do much over the next two years. All she does now is meet for drinks every few months. Say 4 times a year, that’s 8 before the wedding and all the OP will be doing is what she’s been doing anyway.

I think if you go to a tiny wedding where you are the only non blood relative then you will cement the idea that you are ‘like family/ sisters’ more firmly in her mind. You have to be brave now otherwise you are going to get more enmeshed. Two years is a long time but it’s could be potentially considered not that long in wedding planning. As her perceived bestie you are going to be invited to be involved in everything.Send the message today

I'd be inclined to say NO quite firmly to the hen do. You can say it is because of annual leave or something but stay firm on that. Personally, I think people are way too demanding expecting other people to not only fork out for accommodation/gifts/outfits for a wedding but for a hen/stag (often days long and overseas!) do too so I would have no problem saying no, particularly as you aren't that invested in the relationship. I would attend the wedding. I think you have been friendly with her for a very long time and it is one day and maybe you do owe her that.

After that, maybe think about how you can rightsize this relationship. I don't think you need to cut her off or change your phone number or whatever, just be less available, fade a bit, take longer to respond, be super busy elsewhere etc.

I think you have to bite the bullet and have a conversation with her next time she suggests meeting up. Say to her "I al thrilled about your engagement and your fiance is lovely. But I don't think I can in honesty be such a big part of your day. I am not able to give this friendship the time and attention it deserves and I'm sorry but I don't feel I can attend the wedding or the hen. "

I would go as I imagine she will be very hurt otherwise and I couldn't be cruel.
This will all blow over soon. I'm sure as soon as the wedding is over you won't hear too much more particularly if she was children in the future.

Ooh harsh.

This is really clever wording- honest but not impolite, gently but firmly repositioning the friendship so she becomes aware of how you view it.

I think some of the more blunt suggestions on this thread would invite further comment from her rising from hurt feelings and more of a back and forth.

@Dahliasgalore's wording was really good too.

Decide to opt out of the hen's do. Find a polite way.
It would be cruel to not attend her wedding. It would be cruel to tell her she is not a close friend. Fact is. You are one of hers.
Just keep on spending a similar amount of time with her, or less, and prepare to enjoy her wedding.

The relationship has no chance of becoming dominant; you already see to thst.