How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

"Thanks for the invitation but I can't promise I'll be able to attend. We can catch up after, and you can show me the photos".

Or....go into Witness Protection 😎

Exactly. I’ve said my piece earlier but honestly why meet up a few times a year out of a sense of duty. All you have to do is make excuses a few times and she’d get the hint. Stop replying to texts/whatsapps. Don’t reply, say yes to meet ups because of course she’ll think you’re friends. Why wouldn’t she?

Is it really that hard?
You now know what impression she has based on you continuing to meet with her despite not really liking her that much.
Shouldn't take you 2 years to quietly withdraw from a 'friendship' you both see very differently. No need for drama, seriously, just step away 🤷‍♀️

4 or 5 times a year is quite a lot, maybe not “best friend” quantity but definitely a close friend. I can see why she thinks you are closer than you expected. Especially as adults, it’s hard to get together with friends as everyone is so busy. I have 4 best friends from school, we don’t message every day and sometimes can go weeks without messaging, we meet up on average about 8-10 times a year but we would all consider each other best friends. They would be my bridesmaids. If you don’t have genuine friendship feelings for this person then just fade the friendship out now. Very easy to do in 2 years, but if you meet up again now then you are being a bit cruel. You don’t sound like you want her as a friend at all so stop meeting up with her. I would rather someone just phase me out as that happens a lot naturally rather than sit me down and say they don’t want to be friends anymore. I would also be pretty hurt if someone felt obligated to meet up, I would rather they just didn’t bother.

She might not be your best friend but you are certainly hers. I'd excuse myself from the hen event and be there for her getting married.
After that, slowly let things drop off if you still feel the same

Just because she is not your best friend does not mean that you are not her best friend. Despite her seeming really judgemental she obviously really values you.

I had a similar situation in that someobe asked me to be her maid of honour when i saw her as liftle more than an aquaintance. I just did it but the friendship did fizzle out later as I somehow insulted her (never really found out how or why).

In your case though because its been such a long lasting relationship it probably is a bit like sisters in that you used to be close a long time ago and have drifted apart but still want the best for each other. Thats what my relationship is like with my sister.

I feel sorry for your friend! What’s the problem going to the wedding? I m very confused! You know her since childhood. Go and have fun! You don’t sound like the people please you think you are.

OP, apologies for bringing up the Mumsnet stereotype 'they could be ND' but I'm autistic, not diagnosed til midlife, and I could well have been this friend. My perception of friendship was that you made a friend, and then they were your friend, and that was that. I was completely unaware that there was work needed to be done to maintain friendships, or that there were deeper levels of friendship, and I would often assume that I was very good friends with someone, to later be very surprised that they had other friends who they seemed to do more with than me (eg more personal things like going to each others houses rather than only for drinks)

I only mention this because if this could be a possibility for your friend, a slow fade won't work. I might not have seen a friend for two years and barely been in touch with them and I would just assume our friendship was the same level as when we last saw each other (I realise how stupid that sounds writing it down!)

I do think being polite but direct, eg as a previous poster suggested that you would feel uncomfortable being part of such an intimate event as a non family member, would be the best way to go.

I have a couple of friends who need my friendship more than I need theirs. I see no problem with letting this continue-it makes their lives easier with very little inconvenience to me. I’d just carry on if I were you. Why deliberately hurt someone if you don’t need to?

I think some people have been very harsh with you, OP. Not everyone realises how easy it can be to get stuck with a friendship out of habit or a sense of obligation. It’s actually much easier if they do something awful and there’s a full-on fallout, even though on paper that sounds harder to deal with. At least then there’s a clear reason, rather than just a sense of not enjoying the friendship anymore.

I was genuinely best friends with someone in my uni years and early twenties, until we began to drift apart. I was happy to still see her and stay in contact, but the fact was we hadn’t been best friends in years. However, she still wanted to cling onto that; to the point that she once got very stroppy when I introduced her to someone without referring to her as my “best friend”.

In the end she did do something awful and I dropped her over it. But I don’t recommend waiting around for your friend to do something heinous! The advice given by others on here to politely but firmly say you feel like you will be intruding on a family occasion if you attend the hen is the best idea. Don’t give in. Then begin to distance yourself.

You really don’t see any irony in calling the OP nasty and jealous when you’re making by far the bitchiest comment on the thread, do you?

I see my closest friend 3 times a year. There are people I see and message more often but it’s more through circumstance because we live in the same area and I don’t feel any closer to them (in fact I doubt we’d meet up if one of us moved away).

Personally I would go to the wedding. I’d say I can’t make a hen do abroad, but I would make an effort for the wedding. You’ve been friends for years and you’ve seemed happy to meet up regularly up until this point. It would seen mean to me to back away before such an important occasion, when you’re clearly a close friend to her.

And I would ignore those saying to slow fade. It might suit the fader but in reality you can leave the other person confused and upset even if you don’t realise it because they are too polite to question it. If you really don’t want to be friends any more and you want to end the friendship sooner rather than later then I would just be honest about it.

Really?! I've had a few friendships fade over the years, sometimes it felt mutual, sometimes it felt more like they were fading out. When I realised what was happening, I usually could understand - perhaps I had felt too we had less in common, or our meet-ups hadn't been that enjoyable recently. It never feels good, but I also just don't know what good reason you can give for simply not wanting to meet up anymore.

You aren't raising a difficult issue because you'd like to resolve it and stay friends, you're literally just saying, 'I don't like you enough anymore to want to keep doing this'.

I'd rather just be faded out, I think, unless it was a very, very close friend (who in any case I hope would try to address any issues with me before we got to a 'cutting off' stage). At least that way the story becomes 'we drifted apart' and not 'they told me to my face they'd rather we never meet again'.

If you dislike her to the extent you can’t face her wedding just don’t go? I think you need to grow up tbh.

I agree with this. I struggle to believe the people saying they’d like to be told upfront “I don’t want to continue this friendship”. I think most people would be hurt to hear that.

I think there can be an in-between. The issue here is that from the OPs perspective she thought she and the friend had drifted apart and although still met up, hadn't been close for a long time, yet the friend still thinks they're best friends. I think saying directly 'I no longer want to be your friend' is cruel, but I think OP would need to say something to get the point across - eg that she doesn't have as much time to spend with friends these days so won't be available as much, or that she prefers to spend more of her free time on her own due to work/other responsibilities (assuming it's not likely to get back to the friend if she is going out with others)
I suspect otherwise, the friend will continue to assume that because (in her view) they've been best friends since childhood that they'll always continue to be best friends.

But if you read the OP the OP is a very, very close friend to the friend in question…

Yeah, that's the difficulty. Ideally she could just start a slow fade now, but weddings have a horrible way of forcing these things to a head.

I think your friend sounds a bit neurodivergent and a massive introvert.

She probably finds making friends very uncomfortable and so maintaining this comfortable and familiar friendship with you, and positioning you as her best friend, really helps her feel normal, otherwise she’d have literally no friends.

For this reason, in your shoes I would decline the hen do but go to the wedding - you can always leave early or you might end up having the best time.

To be kind to her I would also maintain the friendship if it’s only once every few months or so. It’s not an enormous obligation and I think a degree of empathy is needed here.

When did it become acceptable to be this cruel to someone who has never done anything wrong? This could really hurt her for years.

I think you should be kind here. She clearly values your relationship highly.
I think perhaps you should gently tell her that you will feel very uncomfortable being the only non-family member in a family situation. As the hen do
is abroad it should be easy to avoid (no holiday from work etc). Perhaps you could go to the wedding but not the reception on that basis, or vice versa?

I’m the same and absent a clear disagreement I’ve never understood why some people don’t keep in touch because I’m always really keen to meet up and know how people are doing. It’s really hard when you realise other people care way less than you do. I feel for the lady.

Agree. I'd be so upset if this happened to me, wonder what I'd done wrong, and would probably start second guessing all my relationships.

And I'm not a particularly under-confident person.

But going to a wedding as a best friend in the eyes of someone you don’t particularly like would be people pleasing in the extreme!