How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

Can you not just go to the wedding? It’s one day. No need for a drama. 🙄

The wedding sounds like it could be awful - I think you should claim a family wedding which clashes, only reasonable excuese, but you'll have to wait 6-12 months to let her now.

You can claim it's a cousins wedding and say your mum/granny needs your support on the day.

I don't think you should tell her you don't want to go as you're not friends, I think that would be awful for her to hear.

Really sorry for you, reading this.
Jealousy is a strange thing.

Is it really too hard to go ? It would obviously mean the world to her. And you only see her four or five times in a whole year.
It would be generous of you and a kindness.

Although she is not your best friend you are obviously hers.

Is it that deep? Turn up, enjoy a meal, smile, nod, have a chit chat, go home.

I think the wedding would be the lesser of 2 evils to attend! I don’t think I would be brave enough to cancel both of them🙂. For the hen do, I think I would make up a big family birthday that you had to stay overnight somewhere and really had to go to.

Are you able to take a guest to the wedding because that could make it easier?!!

Well I certainly wouldn't go to the hen.

As for the wedding it's 2 years ahead, and might not be so bad...? Or you could find a way to pull out nearer the time. Although I think others have given you more assertive advice than this!

I don't think it's harsh. Why would you continue to meet up with someone you don't like or even see as a friend?
It's cruel to do that and time wasting.
If the op feels that strongly then she should never have kept up the facade. It makes no sense to keep socialising with someone you aren't that keen on.

I know that you feel guilty and everything but in the grand scheme of things: if you don't go I'm sure that it will not affect her future happiness with her many years of happiness together. If I was you, I would keep your feeling quiet for now. Sometimes I think it's best to ' invent ' some last minute catastrophe. If she mentions it , sound happy. When it comes nearer to the HEN PARTY I should manufacture A Huge New project that you are planning on your house which is going to stretch your budget so you ' Couldn't Possibly Afford a Hen Party expense as well. Then when The Wedding comes around. Say you're going but give your apologies as close as possible to The Day. And THAT can be any Emergency you choose : Boss Needs You at work. Or. A spot of tummy trouble. Or problem with the car. Your Cat is poorly.....take your pick.!!!

Not sure why you agreed to keep meeting up if you thought so little of her.
Id just say no to everything and hope thats enough to avoid a wedding in 2 years time. If it isn't then you need to say you think your friendship is at different stages and you feel it would be unfair to attend and mislead her.

I think you have a choice to make:

1. re-prioritise your friendship with this person, you don’t have to be absolute besties but you are allowed to have different circles of friends too. If you only meet every few months anyway it wouldn’t take lots of effort. I have a couple of certain friends who I love to bits but wouldn’t necessarily go on a night out with, others I prefer coffee with. You could become a slightly better friend to her.
2. Sell your home, move country and change your phone number to ghost her and really make your feelings known. She might get the hint.

I would go for number one myself. Reminiscing can be fun, just having a catchup is something I enjoy anyway and I don’t see it as people pleasing. I’m sure she would be hurt if you outwardly told her you don’t value her friendship.

I'm in the minority on this one I think but I'm at the age now where I refuse to do anything I don't want to do. I would just make up an excuse as to why I couldn't go to the hen and the wedding (whether it is two years away or not). I'd say I had to go to a family wedding in Austrailia or something. If you aren't close to this woman then she won't know if you are lying. Life is too short to do things to make other people happy, you do you. You aren't bothered if she falls out with you anyway so you don't have anything to lose really.

It sounds like she thinks of you much like a sister. An actual sister, someone who goes way back and knows everything about your past and has always been there, and you make an effort even if you don’t like each other very much or have much in common!

I’d probably go to the wedding out of a similar sense of “family” obligation.

5 or 6 times a year is loads! It's totally reasonable that she thinks her pal she knows since childhood that she sees every 8 weeks or so is a close one! What is your problem? Do you think you're better than her and are embarrassed about your friendship?

I’ve been invited to a very small mainly family wedding by someone I really thought was just an acquaintance. I was flattered that they valued me like that and a bit sad for them that they had no closer friends. I think turn up, give a nice gift, be friendly and eat the nice food. And feel pleased that you can do something kind for someone. You don’t have to go on the hen do.

A friendship of decades where you still see each other every few months sounds like a very significant one to me. Old friends that survive are precious. Really, really don't ghost her. Say you'd feel out of place at a close family wedding or just go and be happy for her.

I agree. That’s more than I see family!

The OP sounds so fake. Of course the ‘friend’ thought she was a close friend. As for gossiping about mutual friends, the OP is obviously joining in, the ‘friend’ isn’t talking to herself in a monologue.

Sounds like you mean alot to her, and being totally honest even if it's a little shit -

You've sucked it up and met up with her 4/5 times a year, for years, so suck it up and go to her wedding too?

You would be a arsehole not too, you led this on, you made her believe by constantly showing up to meet ups and now it's something that's going to mean the world to her, NOW is the time you decide that you don't wanna go?

The fact her and her other half looked 'horrified' at the fact you won't be at the wedding is crazy.

This poor poor woman.

You've pretended to be her friend long enough, you can deal with it for another event, surely?

Ofc the OP gossips with her. There is no way it's been one sided for years, since childhood no less!

Yes. Coward. Nothing to do with people pleasing. I feel quite sorry for this woman who has wasted considerable time and energy on you for many years.

Wow I really didn’t think we saw each other often at all - I see some of my friends almost every week, and we message almost every day. This is why I didn’t think we were close - every two months on average is not often at all to me?

And I definitely don’t think I’m better than her, she’s very successful, always nicely dressed etc, I’m the scruffy one out of the two of us 🙈

Easy does it here! We are all capable of acts of cowardice when we fear a reaction, no matter whether we’re normally “brave” or not. I knew a Royal Marine who had done four tours in Afghanistan and would still do the same kind of thing as OP has done here.

So @MadisonMontgomery , please understand that I was NOT calling you a coward. For my Marine friend, enemy gunfire was genuinely less threatening than someone being upset with him. But, if you feel that way too OP, don’t just dismiss yourself as being a “people pleaser” - consider getting some actual advice to work on boundaries and why they’re healthy, not rude; this will lead to a much less stressful life for you. (Having boundaries and expressing them is not rude. Being rude is being rude.)

I think you’re coming by over as judgemental here. Just go and enjoy yourself. Your friend isn’t asking for a kidney.

As you say you only see her 4 or 5 times a year I cant see what all the fuss is about. She obviously values you as a friend You've given no indication that she is a nasty person. Shes not asking to see you every week.
I wouldn't go to the hen do but just go to the wedding. You never know it might be fun!