How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

I think you either go to the wedding (and not the hen do) and ditch her afterwards or ditch her now and end the friendship. I’m with others though, even if you’re a people pleaser why the heck do you still keep meeting up with her? That’s cruel. It sounds as if she really does think a lot of you too.

Exactly, She’s not going to appreciate seeing you in her wedding photos forever once she knows how you really feel.

This is what you get for pretending to be someone's friend. You've been a bit of a dick

You've been friends since childhood, met up and messaged regularly for years. I would probably consider someone I'd known all that time to be a good friend even if we didn't see each other very often as our friendship had weathered so many life stages. It's not her fault you have kept meeting up with her even though you didn't like her!

You either need to gently let her down, tell her you don't feel comfortable going and you don't see yourself as close as she does. Which is going to hurt her, but ultimately thats because you've pretended to like her for many years not because you've told her you don't want to go to the wedding. Or you suck it up and go

But then does she still keep seeing her friend after the wedding same as she does now, despite not wanting to do so?

Thank you, I think this is a really good way to word it - the wedding is literally grandparents, parents, siblings… and me! My invite doesn’t say plus one either, so I feel like I will be a bit of an odd extra?

Wouldn’t changing your phone number be a massive hassle?

I’m not brave enough to tell someone outright (if they haven’t done anything ‘wrong’), so it would be a fade out from me.

@Lotus717 has very good advice.

Wtf

This is why I prefer my own company

Are you jealous of her OP?

You really dislike her and it sounds like she’s made a massive effort for you to be in her life.

I can’t understand why if you dislike her so much you have carried on the friendship.

Even if you have no backbone to end the friendship, you could still easily find ways to faze it out and find excuses to not meet up or not reply to her messages.

You sound awful.

I would tell her now that you have decided to end the friendship and so therefore won’t be attending the wedding or hen do.
She’ll know it’s because you are jealous but it’s better that than you dragging this on and sneering behind her back.

Time to grow a backbone OP.

After the wedding, and before the wedding, Op could decrease the time they meet. Gradually, especially when friend busies with her new family life. It won't be that obvious due to them not spending much time together already.
I just would not crush the friend's happy view or her happy plans.

Most people are not as nasty or as jealous as OP.

I’m guessing this woman is attractive and has a good job and is obviously now getting married.

I’m guessing OP is unattractive, doesn’t enjoy her job and is either single or unhappy in her relationship.

I would also be honest too. This sort of situation would be untenable for me.
At least she’s now getting married so hopefully she will make other friends via her partner.

She can be busy when invited, and slow fade over time. Once the nonfriend starts a family she will get tied up with a new group and it will fade anyway.

This. I say this as someone who used to do this a lot, and has done a great deal of work on it when I realised how cruel it actually is, that it's amazing how often so-called people pleasing is cited to mask conflict avoidance/fear of uncomfy situations. OP hasn't pleased the person here at all in the end, rather they've lined them up to feel a great deal of unnecessary hurt.

Please don't go to this lady's wedding OP, if you actively dislike spending time with her/ dread seeing her/ have no desire to maintain the friendship. An asymetrical friendship with both people on the same honest page about it is a bit different, this doesn't sound like that. It's gonna hurt a lot less to hear the truth from you now than it will to have all her memories and photos 'tainted' if you go just because you don't see another option, then fade out after.

I would be pretty upset if a friend I’ve known since childhood, and still see, actually didn’t like me. I think that could be quite a punch in the gut. You really should have put a lid on this ‘friendship’ year’s ago when you realised you didn’t want her as a friend.

you are her best friend,
even if she is not your best friend.
you should go to her wedding.

My first thought, too. Any spare cash/leave you have, is for other purposes, and you never have much spare of either anyway. (That’s what I’d say and I wouldn’t feel in the least bad about it.)

I feel for you OP. She sounds a bit crazy and I think other posters have judged you too harshly....
Honestly I think you need to blow this up and tell her the truth. I know that's hard but you need to teach yourself to not care about her reaction or being judged.

The reason why is because this will only get worse and worse. She'll be asking you to organise her baby shower. Then to the christening. Asking you to be godmother!! Inviting you to her children's weddings! Etc etc.
And you dont know what else might come with the wedding... endless dress shopping? You in charge of favours? Asking you to make a speech? Special gifts etc imagine!!

So as hard as it is you need to break off.

I know the idea given earlier of just saying you don't feel comfortable going with it being just family feels like an easy way out, but I'd worry that could make things worse. She'll only insist that you come and then try to prove that you are like family to her.

some people are awkward and find it had to make and keep friends, sounds like she is one of these people.
i hope you dont let her down

Has she got sisters? If not, I suspect you will be maid/matron of honour!

You have two choices: be honest and say that you have different views of the friendship, that don't align to hers and it would be better to part ways. Or you stop being available, and gradually fade out of her life...after all you have 2 years to do so.

Both are going to be hurtful, there's no stopping it.

I think you need to say something now rather than allow this to drag on for a further 2 years… and it’s just further stringing her along. I feel bad for her. Also why would she want you at the wedding or as a potential bridesmaid if this is how you feel and you’re planning to cut her off. Honestly, have a conversation with her now and tell her how you’re feeling. Save her the pain, and you the resentment.

Think about if the tables were flipped, and you were the unwanted friend. What would you want the person who wasn't enjoying your company to do? What would be the ideal way they should handle it, for your best interest?

I only know that there are people who take the hint with the slow fade and let things end quietly. And then there are people who begin questioning about the changes. You never know which will be a person's response. If they question, be prepared to be honest, which they deserve.

I'm confused. She's the one who kept in touch and organised the two of you to get together

And yet you thought she felt the disinterest in the "friendship" which you felt

You went along to the get togethers despite the fact that you didn't want to

And now you're surprised that she thinks you and she are close

I call BS on you @MadisonMontgomery

To be honest I think I’d go. It would be one uncomfortable day for you (you can make an excuse about the hen do), but it would mean a lot to her.