How do I tell friend I don’t want to go to her wedding?

[MadisonMontgomery]

Really don’t know how to do this or even if I should - basically, I have had a friend since childhood, we did a hobby together, and have always lived near each other, and have somehow stayed in touch in adulthood, despite being very different people. We meet up for drinks every few months, initiated by her, and to be brutally honest I have been trying over the years to let the friendship run its course, I find the meet ups quite painful as we have nothing in common other than reminiscing.

Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.

A few weeks ago she got engaged, then this weekend she invited me to hers for drinks. Her fiancé was there, and they were talking about the wedding and saying they were worried they would offend people as it is going to be strictly family only, no friends at all. I immediately started to reassure them that I had no expectations of being invited, but they cut me off, looking horrified, and said of course I’m invited because me and friend are best friends and like sisters 🤯

I have never considered her a close friend, and am truly gobsmacked that she sees our relationship like this. The wedding is literally just their families and me, and I am also invited to the hen do which is a foreign holiday with female family members, no friends. It sounds like hell - I know her family to say hi to, but that is it. Wtf do I do, and how have I misjudged the relationship so badly?! The wedding is on a weekend with nearly 2 years notice so I can’t even say I have plans or anything.

Interesting that you’ve decided she’s judgemental and suggested she’s looked down on you when it now sounds the other way round. I feel bad for her, hopefully she realises there are better friends out there for her.

Sounds like you’ve got 2 years to pull away from this friendship so stop going round when she invited and pull out a little closer to the time.

Also is @MadisonMontgomery your real name? I would be worried ifs quite identifying!

She probably is also a massive people pleaser and only came out with that when she heard herself say the wedding was family only. :P

Just tell the truth! Free yourself and her.

@Growingaseed that's a character from a TV show - American Horror Story.

It sounds to me like her perception of the friendship has really shocked you. So I don’t feel you have been trying to mislead her. It’s telling that when you invited her out with your two best friends she didn’t like either of them- I feel like generally if you really like someone as a friend then you would try to get along with other people who are important to them. I think she sounds weirdly intense.
I would just message her and say you feel that she just stick to family only for her wedding and hen do and you don’t feel comfortable being included in such a private event. Do it now when the wedding is still really far away otherwise it will be venues, dresses, group chats planning the hen etc.

It’s a movie character so probably not

I had a similar situation many years ago. This friend was someone from childhood, who my parents used to push me to be friends with her because 'she needed me'. I felt like I had to and we grew up together, she was always saying I was her best friend even though it was a chore for me to see her. As I grew into a young adult I obviously realised it was unhealthy and honestly, I found her irritating and she held me back. She moved away and I reduced contact but she still messaged occasionally. Every time she got in touch she wanted something from me and never showed interest in me, and was judgy so I really reduced contact. Out of the blue years later she got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honour and it felt so strange and wrong to accept! I declined and that was it, 10 years on and we've not spoken since!

Maybe trust your gut and say you don't feel comfortable and see what happens! If you fall out then so be it, you wouldn't stay in a romantic relationship like this one, so why stay in a 'friendship'. You shouldn't feel obliged to spend your time with people, you should want to.

Two years is a long time. Gives you plenty of opportunity to pull back from the relationship without causing too much offence. Stop being available for meet-ups, don’t initiate any contact. Now your friend has a fiancé, perhaps her perspective on things will change, she will have other things and people to focus on which will help her fill her time/space, so you gently withdrawing over time will feel less painful to her.

Of course, she may notice and ask why you have become distant. This is your opportunity to explain you feel your lives have diverged to such an extent, particularly now she is getting married, and you don’t feel you have the same connection and interests any more.

I think you are being very insincere. Meeting every few months is a big commitment. No wonder she thinks you are good friends.

You need to finally do the decent thing and let this friendship fade out. I’d hate to have a friend like you.

I think it’s time you come up with a chronic health condition that means you can’t travel or risk meetups.

Wow! That's harsh

Just started backing off a bit and the friendship will gradually fade away. Definitely decline the hen, she'll get the hint.

It's very simple. No more meet-ups and if an invitation materialises:

"Thank you for your kind invitation to your wedding on x. Regrettably, I am unable to attend due to a previous engagement".

The end.

So she starts a little lie and then has to find out about this condition and give relevant updates? Is that what you'd do? It sounds awfully complicated, rather than either just not meeting up with her or going to the bloody wedding.

This is what happens when you pretend to be someone’s friend.

Without getting into the emotive issues on both sides of this - if you've been trying to let the friendship run its course, not going to the wedding will DEFINITELY do that. So if you don't mind a little bit of short term unpleasantness, it could solve your problems to just not go.

Unfortunately this is what happens when you pretend to be someone’s friend.
either be honest with her and let her down gently or suck it up and become better friends in the next two years and find something in common.
this is a result of your own actions unfortunately.

You are still HER best friend, even if she isn't important to you.

That's obviously a bit depressing, and she can't have much of a social circle.

But it's a friendship dynamic, you aren't dating. It doesn't matter if you aren't "exclusive".

It sounds like you don't MIND meeting up, and you must like it a bit surely? Otherwise you wouldn't have dragged it on for literally years? But if you really want to end it, you'll have to be brutal. Seems harsh to me, but I quite like meeting up and reminiscing with old friends.

I would say something along the lines of, I was quite surprised when you invited me to your wedding, whilst it was lovely of you, in all honesty I don't see us as being that close, and wouldn't feel comfortable coming to such a small intimate wedding. it will probably end your relationship, but at least you would be honest and not stringing her along.

Just politely decline the hen and wedding. Just say you're really sorry but you're not able to make it. If she presses why claim some sort of health reason or prior responsibility?

But I wouldn't say I didn't want to go. That would be rude.

It’s possible she doesn’t like you that much, but just has no other friends and is embarrassed about it.

in which case, she is kind of using you.

i agree definitely don’t go to hen do.

you could try fading her out from now and see if a formal invitation to the wedding still arrives later down the line.

My instinct is to feel sorry for her, but then I read that she didnt like your two friends - did she tell you that? What was her reasoning?

What i will say having been in a similar spot myself, and having seen similar friendships out in the wild, there are a fair few people out there who conflate longevity of a relationship with closeness, and dont really stop to think properly about the relationship as it actually is - you've been friends a long time, that means close. Its odd, but its not wildly uncommon, so dont necessarily think that your judgement was off here.

This is my greatest fear, being in constant contact with someone since forever and ever and turns out they don’t even like me 😭

I would grow a backbone and end the friendship, I’m honestly not sure why you haven’t already.

This is an elegant way out of the wedding.

There could be something in that.
The conversation strayed into difficult terratory and they quickly covered it up with an invite?
In which case she will be doing the slow fade and forget the invite because it really was family only ?

“Tbh I have always been surprised that she keeps messaging and making arrangements to spend time together because I’ve not even been sure up til now that she even likes me - she can be quite judgemental, and I don’t think I match up to her standards! I’m quite a people pleaser and find it hard to say no, so I have always just agreed to meet despite dreading it.”

Reformed People Pleaser here.
Just stop it!
I don’t think you mentioned your age but just to say, it took me until my forties to realise what a pointless waste of time being a people pleaser really is.
I had my narcissistic parents to thank for being one (assuming you also have a difficult parent too - someone trained it into you).
Honestly these people who think they can control everyone else only get away with it because of people like you doing whatever they ask and not standing up for yourself.

You said yourself you don’t even think she likes you, so why put yourself through any of it? Just put an end to this fake friendship and learn to deal with the uncomfortable feelings you have when you are honest.
The reason she sees you as her supposed best friend is because you put up with her shit whereas the rest of us non-people pleasers wouldn’t.
I guarantee if you step into your true authentic self and become less available, she won’t call you her bestie for long!

You either have to rein in the people pleasing and let her know (gently and with tact) that you don’t want to continue the friendship, or you suck it up and spend one day attending a wedding you’re not bothered about. There isn’t really an alternative.

The hen you can politely decline on the basis that it’s abroad - there isn't a reasonable expectation that people will attend a hen abroad.