Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Hes an abuser it will only get worse make him your ex ASAP

Just dump him. It's not meant to be like this. Whether you have an issue with alcohol or not he's a boyfriend of 6 months, he's treating you badly, just end it. You are a drinker, it's part of your identity it seems, he's a sanctimonious teetotaller, you aren't compatible.

I think you should suggest that he tries al -anon to deal with what is HIS problem ( it doesn’t mean that you have one)

Are you sure he’s going off to the States and that wasn’t an excuse for him to move into your house? They don’t exactly allow people to just waltz in there. Have you seen confirmation of anything?

He's an abusive psycho who needs help for his controlling hangup around alcohol and he is way, way too much hard work. Do you honestly want to go through this for the rest of your life with him? It's only 6 months in, he should be on his best behaviour and charming your socks off and impressing you, not abusing you and putting you down. Life is too short for someone who puts you down in front of your family or puts you down at all. Throw him in the trash, he ain't worth it. Only 6 months in, be grateful it's not 6 years or 16 years, and you've dodged a bullet.

Sorry but he is right. Having 3 glasses of wine a night isn’t normal, you are an alcoholic whether you admit it or not. I wouldn’t stay with one and neither should he. Both split so he can have peace .

Oh for fucks sake, get him gone! At six months he's not your partner he's your boyfriend and an abusive one to boot. Six months and he's got his feet under the table, for free, withholds affection and insults you to your face and in front of your family?

"He sold his house and is supposed to be going to work in America."
But he doesn't have a job yet, does he? If he did the process would be in train because his employer would have a start date. The chance of him actually going to America is NIL.

Well the solution is obvious, no? He sold his house, he has money in the bank, he can afford to move out and get himself an AirB&B for however long it takes for him to fuck off to America (or some other mythical plan). Right now he is draining you dry. Get him GONE!

Time to remove him from your life. He’s being abusive and using your alcohol consumption as an excuse to do it. Get rid of hm.

How big a glass are people pouring? A bottle of wine has around 5-6 glasses.

But yes he is taking advantage of you living in your house rent-free. Calling you a retard would be instant break-up territory for me. I'd give him a month's notice to move out.

Three glasses every day?

It was only a matter of time before people started posting about OP drinking too much, having a problem, red flags and all that nonsense.

OP is here to figure out her relationship problem, not for some kind of free addiction therapy and to be told she's veering on alcoholism. The posters who are doing this are as judgemental as her partner.

While he isn't handling it very well I can understand why he's like this. He had an alcoholic father and an alcoholic ex, and now he sees the signs in you - hiding alcoholic, over consumption, denial.

Op you can dress it up as appreciating wine, food pairings etc but you are over drinking.

We love wine, we enjoy food food pairings, have done several courses and are in a wine club. You don't need three glasses per meal to appreciate wine. We have a glass of something that pairs well with a meal and really savour it. We also don't need to do this every meal.

Can you admit to us how many units a day you are really having?

There are two things going on here.

1. He's calling you a retard. Using that word in any context would be a deal breaker to me. He's using bullying language because he's a bully.
2. Your alcohol intake. You may be a wine connoisseur but the safe consumption guidelines (14 units/week) apply to you too. It's not about whether you drink and fall over. It's about the quantity of alcohol you're putting into your body, the effect on your health and your reliance on drinking. I think you may be in denial.

Kick him out!!!

A standard glass of wine is 125ml - three glasses would be half a bottle, assuming OP has standard glasses. And OP hasn’t actually clarified whether she drinks every day. The point here is not how much she’s drinking, it’s the fact that her BF is abusive and intolerant of any alcohol consumption at all.

This. Every thread l’ve ever seen on MN around alcohol descends into a judgemental lecture, completely ignoring the OP’s actual issue. This one is no different.

No matter how ‘worried’ OP’s partner is, there is absolutely no excuse for calling her a retard, or rejecting contact with her when she’s had alcohol.

I think you’re right that he has to go due to the comments.

But that doesn’t invalidate his point that you are in fact a problem drinker, who is very very defensive about it.

Where has OP said she drinks every day ? And thee glasses of wine does not make you an alcoholic. Maybe look up what alcohol abuse and dependency actually involve before making ridiculous accusations. The BF clearly has his own issues around alcohol and is trying to control OP’s consumption for his own benefit, not hers, or do you think calling her a retard and a lush is acceptable behaviour ?

What makes you think OP is an addict ? That’s a very strong word and what OP has posted here in no way suggests addiction.

Yikes, this is a mess. You've invited a cocklodger to lord it around your house, insulting you, emotionally abusing you after only 6 months under the pretense of moving abroad. What on earth are you thinking!? He's got his feet under the table. What does he do when you are at work? You've essentially got a stranger in your house, poking around your stuff when you're out? What are you going to do now?

He's a Cocklodger.

It sounds like you are drinking way too much but him being abusive about it is wrong and you should end the relationship.
You are obviously not suited to each other as you both have issues around alcohol that are not compatible.

Indeed. Yet still it continues.