Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Even if it comes out of concern, his delivery is abuse. It seems he does not understand that threats, persuasion or sanctions do not generally work to manage someone else's alcohol. As others have said, he will not accept you as you are, and you have the right to be as you are.

It would be advisable to ensure you have good thiamine levels, don't stop drinking suddenly, and state your intake accurately if you undergo any medical procedures.

Get rid. He is controlling and abusive and anyone who uses the r-word is a despicable person.

Yes, with brass knobs on!!!!!!!

Dear OP, I respect your drinking habit
For your health, It's very good opportunity to help yourself for alcohol control:
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/
Best of luck

He obviously has issues- I'm afraid it's a straight choice either the alcohol goes or he does.

Why are you with this man?

Just kick him out. He's an adult and not your responsibility.

Then don't put up with the abuse. Just get rid of him. Start taking back control of your life.

He should not be in a relationship if he cannot respect his partner's bodily autonomy. His practice of withdrawing affection when you do not accede to his demands is emotionally abusive. His constant insults about your drinking and his attempts to undermine you or shame you to your friends and family in an effort to make you stop drinking alcohol "cold turkey" probably amount to coercive control.

End the relationship, tell him to leave your house, and cut contact with him. I'm not saying any of this to be harsh but it sounds like you are emotionally invested and a clean break will give you the fastest route to healing from heartache or hurt and ensure that you're not tempted to give the relationship another chance as you go through the natural stages of missing him, feeling alone, mourning what you hoped the relationship could be, etc.

You clearly have a very well-defended problem with alcohol. It's very obvious and I'm sure that's been normalised to your adult children, given their dad was also an alcoholic. Your P's treatment of you is unacceptable. He's unpleasant, possibly abusive, but it matters not because you are incompatible. You said he could stay. He's changed the parameters through his behaviour and by staying longer than agreed. Just ask him to sort out somewhere else to stay by next weekend. I'm not sure why others on this thread are guarding your drinking so fiercely. It's a threat to your health and will be an obstacle to any relationship, unless it's with another problem drinker.

No one should be using the word retard in this day and age

I'd say you wouldn't call him nasry names. It's really not on & it's very controlling of him. He wants you to meet his ideals.

My partner is similar to yours in that he had an alcoholic parent and is tee-total himself. I think people like that really worry about loved ones drinking and it causes a level of repulsion if they think it's at all uncontrolled - this is linked to fear and trauma, which is understandable.

I drink much less than you (I rarely have more than one drink and never day drink) and sometimes go long stretches without drinking at all, but I notice my partner has already made a few comments about me drinking even though he said he didn't mind initially. I have accepted I'll probably have to drink less than I'd like if I want to stay with him but also I've realised that's probably better for my health. I reckon your partner is worried - it doesn't sound like you have compatible lifestyle around alcohol.

He is not relationship material and you should dump him for the way he treats you and talks to you. It’s also concerning that he seems to have moved himself in without an end date or paying anything. Of course he’s quite helpful sometimes he’d never have gotten such an awesome deal without being a little nice to you!

separately, and this does not justify how he speaks to you, 3 glasses of wine a day is a lot. I have a couple of relatives who have done their wine tasting/ sommelier courses and they do not drink every day because it’s unhealthy, ‘I’ve done a wine course’ does not justify it. Also ‘I can’t just be a teetotaller’ is a ridiculous overreaction to people saying it’s too much alcohol.

This is the risk level of dying from alcohol related illness - cancers, liver disease, heart etc
Average weekly intake. Approx added lifetime risk

~14 units~1 in 100
~35 units ~1 in 50
~50 units ~1 in 20

Up to you if increased risk is worth it

He's a bully and you're an alcoholic. It's not going to work.

I don't understand the confusion

You aren't compatible and he's horrible anyway

So dump him

He calls you retarded? Any man who used that word in my presence, even if not about me, would be instantly dumped. He’s abusive. Ditch him.

You're not compatible. I'd end it.

Tell him it is time to move on, that you didn’t think he'd be there for this long and it is time for him to rent a place until he moves. Maybe even say your friend/cousin/sister/nephew are coming to stay with you and you'd need him to be out before then. We had to say guests were coming to a person who was overstaying their welcome by months.

He is a terrible person. Kick him out for gods sake.

If only others could be this helpful instead of going on and on about units and acting like a rabid pilgrim evangelist from 1776 anytime alcohol is mentioned.

I appreciate this comment! It is probably very relevant and hope the OP takes notice.

Leaving the alcohol out of it entirely, he can't make stupid 'jokes' about you (which are actually just insults), embarrass you in front of others, and withdraw affection and expect you to be fine with it. You're not, and he won't change. The answer is clear. The relationship is over and he must go.

Please kick him out and dump his arse. Insulting you in your own home while financially contributing nothing and stalling on his ‘America plan’.

Seriously, op. You know your worth and this isn’t it.

What are you doing with him then? It's not normal for people to call one another names in a relationship. Off he fucks.