Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

You know that you have to end the relationship. Alcohol aside he is a horrible man who judges, bullies and sounds as if he has strong narcissistic traits. Get rid

You need to stop ignoring his comments and the next time he says something tell him he needs to leave your house.

[Edited to add: To those saying OP might not be drinking every night, you’re quite right, she might not be.
But if people aren’t doing that, they tend to say ‘x glasses of wine with dinner, x nights a week.’ And the OP hasn’t done that. I don’t think it’s necessarily ‘judgemental’ to point out when evidence suggests drinking has become a problem.

Anyway, the below is on the basis that it’s every night ‘with dinner’, which is all the OP specified. Presumably she is having dinner every night.]

Haven’t RTFT, but a 125ml glass is 1.5 units and most people have bigger glasses than that. Even if working on the basis of the absolute minimum glass size (unlikely, in reality), the OP is having 31.5 units a week which aaaaall the data says is really harmful to health, especially for a woman.
If it’s medium 175ml glasses, she’s notching up 44+ units a week.
Doesn’t matter whether it’s from a fancy wine cave, paired with the finest Brie, or neat vodka from a bottle in the toilet cistern. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Two things can be true. OP, your boyfriend sounds awful and I echo others in saying it’s surely time to call it quits. I’m sorry you have been spoken to like that.

And also, I say this kindly, please listen to the many other posters on the thread saying it sounds like it’s time to review your relationship with alcohol.
It’s kind of part of the problem to not think there’s anything wrong with this amount of booze, and I’m sure your children will want you to be around as long as possible. Wishing you well 💐

He sounds horrible and you should get rid.

But I also think you should take some time to reflect on whether or not your current alcohol consumption is healthy.

You have bigger problems than the disrespectful way he talks to you. You've allowed him to move in, rent free. He will never move out...

You’re not compatible.

I also would agree with him that alcohol is potentially a problem for you tbh. I think a lot of what you have said is justification for you to have alcohol in your life and why it’s so important to you. I am someone who doesn’t drink at all and have family who are alcoholics. There is a huge genetic component to Alcoholism so it often runs in families.

Two things can be true at once.

He is verbally abusive, and it has only been 6 months.

You should leave him.

At three glasses of wine everyday (and given people notoriously underestimate their intake) you are drinking too much and do have an alcohol problem.

It is your right to ignore it if you want, but at that sheer amount of daily consumption, your children and family will already be well aware of your issues.

I've never met a habitual drunk who thinks their behaviour is affected at all by alcohol. They think because they don't fall over or throw up that they aren't one of those 'bad' drunks. But they are still heading for an early and very painful death.

Three glasses isn’t a whole bottle. Your wine glasses must be huge !! And where does OP say it’s every day ? What she’s posted in no way suggests she is an alcoholic. So many people using ‘alcoholic’ and ‘addict’ without knowing what they actually mean. Alcohol dependency involves a lot more than just the drinking.

And he’s living with you but doesn’t contribute anything? After six months?? He’s a cocklodger.

Get rid.

Your boundaries seem to be really off here.

OP hasn’t said any of her family have had a problem with alcohol. It was her ex who had a drinking problem.

Well said. Alcohol is alcohol. Your liver doesn’t care.

If you are having 3 glasses a day every day you have a problem with alcohol. You are doing damage to your health, and are well over the recommended weekly limit of 14 units. Going into elaborate detail about expertise in pairing food with wine and France, does not change this.

It's entirely possible that he's being verbally abusive.
It's also quite possible that you are drinking too much.
People who have alcohol issues often minimize their drinking. It's 'only' a couple of glasses at dinner, but they forget the size of the glass, and that they had a couple at lunch and that gin and tonic while they were cooking, oh and the nightcap. ( When I was young glasses were much smaller)
If he had a parent who was an alcoholic then he's also scared that you might be going that way too.
It doesn't matter if you have done courses about wine and pairing it with food, you can still be a problem drinker BTW, it's just an excuse to pretend it's not an issue.

Standard large glass of wine in a pub or restaurant is 250 ml and a bottle of wine is 750 ml.

Your drinking has turned him off you. I was like this with my ex husband with drugs, complete turn off to me and I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Sex was ruined because of this. He should leave though not call you names. Unless you stop drinking which it doesnt sound like you want to, this is a dead relationship so just cut your losses

You have got yourself a cocklodger, do you honestly think he is actually moving to the U.S? He has got a comfy situation with you now, will say he can't bear to leave you as he loves you so much, meanwhile he is treating you like shit and eroding your self esteem so you won't have the confidence to kick him out. I've actually witnessed a very similar scenario play out and 20 years later it is still a shitshow and the woman feels trapped and bad about herself. This isn't about the alcohol, that's a red herring. You need to tell him to leave now.

I don’t drink. Stopped about 15 years ago, was never really my thing, and I had to take medication that was affected by it so I gave it up.
I can very much discern between an alcoholic, someone who goes over their limit, a social drinker, and someone who has a few here and there. As I’m sober it’s pretty clear to observe.
One of my closest friends is dying of alcohol abuse. It’s a terrible disease and it’s driven everything and everyone away from her including me. The verbal abuse was too much.
Everyone else, I have absolutely no issue with at all. All my friends are happy having a drink in my presence and none of them judge me.
If you see alcoholism up close it’s not just too much alcohol it is a whole set of behaviours which non-alcoholics don’t have.
Neither of my parents were alcoholics but my grandmother was and it devastated my mother.
OP here likes a social drink - that’s it. She knows what dependency is.
The partner is an abusive man. He is using info he has about her around her ex, he’s deflecting it into her to make her feel small.
That is before he uses the word ‘retarded’ which is vile.
A therapist who posts on Reddit? I’d take their opinions with a pinch of salt.

You are not compatible, why is he staying with you? Is he homeless? You have been together 6 months and it's not working. He has no respect for you and it doesn't even sound like he likes you.
I don't know what a lush is but a grown man using the words lush and retarded would give me the ick. Get rid and raise a glass to happiness.

Like fuck would anyone be speaking to me like that in my own house. Get him OUT. He can be alcohol free in his own house if he chooses.

3 glasses of wine a day is a lot. A large glass has around 3 units so that’s 63 units a week. Even if you have a small glass and it’s actually small - that’s 42 units a week. A woman should have a max 14 units a week and most people including me rarely drink. You have a major alcohol problem and you need to seek help. It’s horrible he called you ‘retarded’ but he is correct that you’re an alcoholic.

3 glasses is a lot. But he sounds like an arsehole so id get rid.

1. Bin the guy. This much agro six months in tells you everything you need to know
2. you probably are drinking a bit too much but it is your perogative. 🤷🏼‍♀️
3. Never move a man into your house again after such a short period of time. What were you thinking?!

I don’t know how you can let him touch you when he speaks to you like that

He has a point you are an acoholic if you’re having 3 glasses a day, every day. Maybe cut back a little there’s no need to drink that much.

Firstly I disagree with how he’s treating you 10000% get rid OP. Please do note though 21 glasses of wine per week contains between 31.5 and 69.3 units of alcohol, depending on the size of the glass and the strength (ABV) of the wine.

I know you didn’t ask for whether you’re drinking too much or not. I hope you don’t mind me giving you the facts. But that doesn’t mean you deserve to be spoken to like you are. Deffo get rid, he just needs to be with someone who doesn’t drink.