Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

@KhakiOrca He sounds very controlling and it sounds like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home! I think you know it’s time to tell him to leave - where he goes is not your problem but I would def give him a deadline by which to leave.

This isn’t a partnership. Partners don’t belittle you and bully you in private or in front of your family and friends.

I’m pretty sure there is a more compatible man out there for you that will enjoy your food & wine pairings. Thats what you should be enjoying at this time of life

It sounds like you’re not right for each other.

It also sounds like you drink way too much, based on your own description of your drinking.

Consider it added in if you like, makes no difference to my opinion or advice on the matter.

You need to tell him to get out and now, tough shit if he hasn’t any place to go and I’ll bet he’s not going to America either

you’ve a Cocklodger

and folks just cos she drinks 3 glasses of wine a night you lot are missing the point and keep banging on about it

he’s abusive

Time to tell him this isn't working and he needs to find somewhere else to stay.

She probably does but it’s got SFA to do with him if they’ve only been together 6 months.

@KhakiOrca you need to pick better partners.

If you try to get rid of him you’re going to get love bombed, coerced and manipulated

He does not sound the type to fuck off easily

just preparing you Get rid, have someone with you when you do in case you need to call the police

Agreed. Time to get rid.

Sounds like you’re drinking a bit too much OP.

But he shouldn’t be trying to change you! It sounds like you need to ditch him! Give him a time limit to find somewhere new then change the locks.

Nope, dismissing your genuine questions as “just a joke” is emotionally abusive. It will only get worse. If others have picked up on it too and you’d started to be secretive about your alcohol consumption, then it’s a slippery slope. Dump him

You are clearly incompatible. However, if my partner started calling me names the relationship would be over pretty quickly. I can’t see why you wouldn’t dump him.

so kick him out

His name calling is out of line and immature. If he doesn’t want to be with a drinker then he needs to leave the relationship like an adult.

That said, at three glasses of wine daily, you are drinking too much. Far too much. You can call that judgement all you like, but it’s a fact.

@KhakiOrca it sounds like youre verging on alcoholic territory yourself. You probably hid it well under the guise of having an ex who was worse than you so this guy swooped in to save you. Your current partner is probably now judging you as hes been triggered by your drinking and realised you are incompatible. Hes completely wrong for calling you names. He needs to find a partner with the same attitudes to drink as him. You need the same.

My ex was an alcoholic and Im teetotal. I get triggered by partners drinking so tend to date light drinkers.

Nobody falls in love as quickly as a man who needs somewhere to live.

His presence in your home is a temporary arrangement. Tell him that the arrangement is over as of now, and you will not tolerate his attitude towards you for a minute longer. He will have to get his shit together and leave, because you have had enough.

It's closer to 45 units per week, by my reckoning.

I can see why his comments would offend you. I think you may find that with most people that don’t consume the same amount of alcohol as you, and if you did meet someone who did I reckon it could possibly encourage you to consume more.

It's her house. Him living there is supposed to be temporary.

He is staying in your house. If he thinks it’s ok to be abusive to someone who has put a roof over his head, trying to be controlling and then exacerbating it by saying he’s joking, which is classic abuser behaviour, he should go. Now. No question, no argument.
It’s not for him to question your drinking , however little or much you have. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to live there.
He is not for you, so get rid.

He’s called you “Retarded” and you haven’t dumped this piece of shit?

Seriously, get rid.

He's living rent free having sold his house. Tell him he's a cock lodger (one of mn favourite quotes.) every time he says anything. In fact tell him to leave now he's buggering off abroad anyway.

Alcohol is his issue not yours.

I don’t mean to upset you, but from his perspective he may feel you only want affection when you’ve had a drink which could possibly make him feel inadequate when you’re sober. If you were to switch roles and he was only interested in you after a few drinks then maybe you’d feel the same as him.

So, tell him to find somewhere else. You've already done him a massive favour, allowing him to live rent free and he's repaid you in rudeness. He's got cushy number so won't move on in a hurry. Get rid.

I would bin him. How dare he call you retarded, a lush a mad woman and then withhold affection due to wine - sounds like controlling behaviour, which would give me a serious ick! 🤢
No-one should dictate your habits in your own house. Least of all a guest (non-paying housemate/cock lodger).
Also you say - He doesn't contribute and he says hes just joking and I bite too easily. 👎

I would make a point of not drinking for a couple of days and then agree with him and say... yes I was indeed a 'retarded mad woman' but now I am 'sober' I can think very clearly indeed, and I have decided that you need to leave my house, you free loading judgemental git - Ciao! 👋
@KhakiOrca