Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Wrong. Tonnes of alcoholics reach a point and decide not to hide their problem drinking. I hear it every week in AA meetings.

Why is it a weird argument ? The poster I was responding to left out part of what she quoted from my own post, to suit their own narrative. I was simply responding that OP had realised that hiding her drinking from him was making her drink more, so she stopped. As in she no longer does it. I have lived with an alcoholic family member and hiding the true extent of the problem was part of their illness - you never knew how much they were drinking because you didn’t know what was going on in secret.

So we’re back to three glasses of wine a day automatically meaning someone is an alcoholic, regardless of whether they can stop with no ill effects and don’t crave alcohol ? Personally I do think OP’s drinking is problematic if she is drinking three glasses every day and I agree that home poured alcohol tends to be in much larger quantities than pub measures, but it doesn’t automatically mean she is an alcoholic - AUD is a chronic medical condition but that doesn’t seem to matter to those posters who really don’t know what the term means.

If he was joking he wouldn't be ignoring you because you had lunch with your daughter. He's making you uncomfortable while being a parasite in your own home. He needs to go asap.

For the MILLIONTH time, OP is in AA and is indeed an alcoholic.

3 glasses of wine every single day doesn’t mean they’re an alcoholic. It does mean they are a problematic drinker. It does mean they’re drinking more than is healthy and it does mean they are some level of drunk every single day. I didn’t even drink everyday when I was drinking problematically.

You don’t have to be addicted for your alcohol intake to be a problem.

TBF, OP left this titbit out and others had to do investigative research to find this information from other threads.

It was disingenuous of the OP to do this and many aren't going to read pages and pages of individual posts to get to this information. But, I appreciate who ever did sus it out! It's changed my advice and view of the situation, entirely!

Except that it’s not a dealbreaker if he’s still living there, enjoying his free accommodation and free food and just slagging off the OP to her own children?

He should end it or she should end it… but somebody needs to end it!

He is perfectly entitled to say that he doesn't want to continue a relationship with op as she drinks more than he is comfortable with. In fact that is probably what he should do.

What he is actually doing is sulking, name calling and criticising every time op has a drink and passing it off as a 'joke' while living rent free in op's house. This isn't acceptable and is potentially abusive. It certain wouldn't encourage anyone to modify their behaviour, if that is even the desired effect.

I am teetotal and happy being with friends, colleagues and family who drink. If I had any concerns about their drinking I would likely raise it, with the express understanding that they are still an adult capable of making their own choices. I certainly would not refer to anyone I love, or even know as a lush or a retard. That is despicable behaviour.

Op you don't have to put up with this in your own home. His future travel plans are not your concern, he shouldn't get to treat you like that while benefiting from your hospitality.

Bloody hell OP, put his stuff in bin bags throw them out the door and get the lock changed.
He'll speed up his plans then.

I think we’re saying the same thing.

Yes, clearly - just seen the updates as to the other thread. It still doesn’t alter the fact that many posters were claiming she is an alcoholic long before this information surfaced, and based on the info that OP disclosed. Which was conjecture. Which was my only point.

You are incompatible. I would end the relationship and celebrate your freedom with a nice glass of wine.

I would dump him as how he's expressed concern is unacceptable - but 3 glasses every day (or potentially more) is a lot and you should also cut that down because if its really that much its unhealthy.

How is calling someone a lush and a retard not shaming them?

He needed somewhere to stay that was cheaper than a temporary rental.

He's not even a lodger so has no rights. Put his stuff outside and change the locks. Really easy to do, less than a tenner from Screwfix for a cheap cylinder lock. You don't need a locksmith. https://www.screwfix.com/p/smith-locke-6-pin-cylinder-lock-45-45-90mm-brass/951px

I’m sorry but he sounds awful . I don’t drink either as I’m prone to headaches but my partner does . I don’t judge him for it as he drinks responsibly . I hate to be this blunt but he is being disrespectful & controlling towards you . Life is too short to spend with someone who treats u like this . Dump him .

Ah.

yawatnow · Today 13:24
For the MILLIONTH time, OP is in AA and is indeed an alcoholic.

I hadn't spotted this. While it still doesn't make the partner's behaviour or language acceptable, it does at least make it a bit more understandable.

Nevertheless @KhakiOrca, you need to get shot of this man.

How long were you in a relationship when he moved in, bet it was at his instigation so he could mooch off you. When I've been in a relationship for the first year I see the BF once or twice a week, anymore than that I would feel smothered, I also put my foot down and say no living together for at least 5 years, if you had refused to let him move in with you and met up for dates you could drink what you want every night without some fucking, controlling man passing comment because he isn't there all the time.
Ignore the comment about giving him a months notice, I would kick him out today, he isn't paying rent so has no right to be there. Can you call round your adult DC to back you up.

That's classic abuser speak, "Oh I was only joking, only teasing, don't be so sensitive, lighten up" and what they take on board is that they have upset you so they put it in their ammunition to use for the next time.

But she wasn’t hiding her drinking until he started to behave in an abusive manner. It was in response to that, and it stopped because she found she was drinking more. Not really the same thing.

Think I’d probably pretend to drink loads more.
Then hopefully he’ll p off to US.?

I guess his efforts never stopped his DF drinking. Time he forgave himself & learnt that actual alcoholics have to want to stop otherwise they’ll never manage it. Name calling isn’t the way.

Hope you get free of this crummy situation v soon, thinking of you 💐

I'm sorry you don't think enough of yourself to kick him to the curb.

Well Lush does mean habitual drinker, and 3 glasses of wine? so he’s quite correct tbh

YABU

I'd give him the ultimatum to shut his pie hole or move out.
You don't need that negativity or coercive nonsense in your life. He's trying to control what you do by withholding affection....bin that off.

You need to put him straight that you will not put up with being called names.