Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

I remember she says Joan of Arc would have hit the bottle married to him.
Whatever is going on here, OP has the right to live the way she wants.

6 months in? Bin him off for God's sake he's a dickhead.

No need to be confused, he’s being rude and this relationship is not going to work out. Cut your losses, find someone who enjoys the things you do. You don’t need to go from one man with an alcohol problem to another man with a different alcohol problem.

Kick him out of your house, who does he think he is?

If you are drinking 3 glasses of wine a day that is above the safe limit for a woman, which is 14 units a week. If you are drinking medium glasses (175 ml) you are drinking that much in two days. It looks to me as if you may be in denial about the fact that you are drinking too much and that you resent your partner for telling you the truth and are trying to get people to side with you on the grounds of a few unpleasant comments. I agree, your partner is not going about it in the right way, but he may have a good point.

Wow! You need to leave for the ‘retarded’ comment alone…never mind his uncomfortable (putting it mildly) alcohol comments. Find yourself another wine connoisseur and enjoy every drop!

You don't have to put up with abuse from anyone about anything in your own home.
Get him out. Next time he goes out, change the locks. Leave his stuff outside. He just sold his house, he has money. He won't be without a roof, he can get a hotel.
As to the amount you drink, that's up to you. The advice is there.
I personally wouldn't advise to rush into another relationship until you have healed from your marriage

I've come back to also say.... after 6 months of being in a relationship with you (living arrangements and other abusive comments aside) he's comfortable calling you a retard in your own home while you are giving him free lodgings!! I absolutely can't believe this. Why haven't you ejected him yet??

Lush is very much a compliment!

But, there you go then, I was only just born 4 decades ago. Never watched Dallas.

People who know this word as an insult must be completely flummoxed if they're ever in Wales!

Anyway like many have said, OP and this freeloader short term boyfriend are not compatable. Whether or not OP is drinking to much is a story for another day, this man is awful. He's entitled to want a teetotal girlfriend, its understandable given his past, it's understandable he may be coming from a place of fear or care, but he's doing a terrible job and needs to go, this is never going to work.

Why are you allowing someone who has no respect for you and is clearly using you for accommodation to stay in your house? Someone who you've barely known for five minutes and has already progressed to insulting you?

There's a very important difference between being called "lush" and "a lush" totally changes the definition

OP, alcoholism is defined by your need to drink and if you are in AA, then I would assume that you need to drink, for whatever reason.

That is a different proposition to being a heavy/moderate drinker that can take or leave alcohol, it not affecting life decisions etc.

That being said, it doesn't make what this guy is doing or saying okay. You need to sort your life out or you will always be exploited by people who don't want the best for you.

I really hope this works out for you and you can try to take the advice given to you on this board where it has been given from a place of compassion and not judgement.

Wishing you the best.

Only on MN would the OP be referred to as a ‘heavy drinker’ 🙄

She drinks 3 glasses of wine a day (and let’s be honest, that’s probably a whole bottle and not 125ml glasses). A day.

3 glasses of wine a day, even if a small measure, is still too much. Plus random lunches where she also drinks.

She absolutely is drinking too much. And she doesn’t realise it, because she is an alcoholic.

It sounds to me that the OPs drinking is a dealbreaker for him, for his own reasons, and that’s fine.
The OP will have to make a choice as to whether the alcohol is more important than this particular relationship.

Sorry op he’s not joking and I would be saying if you don’t like me there is the front door get key back it sounds like he’s using you tbh only hanging in until his move. Don’t support him. Op just because his dad was an alcoholic doesn’t mean he gets to judge you. This is abusive behaviour tell him to go find himself a non drinker.

You should not tolerate anyone calling you names. Separating is what I would be doing.

I do think you drink too much though. Try having two days alcohol free each week and cuttiing back to one glass on most of the days that you drink Give your liver a rest.

This man sounds horrible!! Get rid of him!!!

I very much doubt your children or siblings do like him.

He's living in your home rent free after 6 months and calling you a mad woman and a retard.

In 6 months he's gone from being affectionate to "go away you mad woman" when you try to embrace him.

Tell him to move out and end this relationship because he's horrible.

Personally I think you drink too much and I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t be with you as that’s not my thing. You’re 55, if you want to drink then drink, but you need to end it with him. You’re not compatible.

There are 2 issues here

1. He is an arsehole, get him out of your house asap. No matter what you drink his abuse in unacceptable.
2. 3 glasses of wine per day (possibly more) is quite a lot to drink so you might want to consider cutting down but obviously you are a grown woman so can do what you want!

I think the opposite tends to be true. I've seen these home poured glasses of wine and they are usually much larger than you would get in a pub.

"But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)"

He's being completely dishonest. Its not a joke, and even your relative and CHILDREN have picked up on it and don't like it.. so you know its not a blooming joke.
It's a way of putting you down in public, to make you feel small and less worthy of him. And he has a very high opinion of himself to do that in front of your nearest and dearest, hoping one of them will join in the "harmless" laughter and back him up.
It's conditioning you now to get used to future put down comments and make you apprehensive of reacting or pushing back for fear of being called over sensitive, lacking in humour or over reacting to the harmless little jests from your entirely appropriate and well meaning DP, because there is "something wrong" with you and not with HIM.. he's in the clear because its just a harmless joke as all your nearest and dearest can now testify.

DUMP

Then why did he move in with her - and why is he overstaying his welcome ? He knows where the door is.

I can't believe he called you the r word. He shouldn't be insulting you in front of others. If it was was genuine concern he would talk to you nicely in private. And he's living rent free? Kick him to the curb!