Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

I can't stand it when people dig away at someone then use the old "I was only joking" excuse and somehow make it your fault for "not having a sense of humour"
He's clearly overstayed his welcome - both in your relationship and in your home.
Time to get rid of him.

6 months is not anywhere near enough time to put up with someone calling you names.

60 years also shouldn’t be enough to put up with the someone calling you names.

Boot him out.

So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I wouldn't even give the time of the day to someone who uses such abusive language, let alone let them live with you rent free.

He tricked you OP, he will not to to the USA. He is has free lodging at yours, why would he move?

Tell him to move out now. Today.

Can someone explain what calling someone lush means in this context? I’ve never heard of this as an insult.

Why is this man with you if he calls you an retard (god I hate that offensive word). He's with you for the free housing and because he enjoys bullying you. Tell him it's not working and he needs to move out immediately.

You've know him only 6 months? That's not a partner thats a boyfriend. Within 6 months he's living in your house rent free and verbally abusing you. Kick him out!

If hes moving to another country why have you started a relationship with him?

Where I come from lush means alcoholic. The OP IS an alcoholic. Calling her a retard is way out of line though and abusive.

This. I wouldn't drink three glasses of wine every day but him calling you names over it is shitty. If DH drank that much, I wouldn't turn a hair.

His excuse of him only joking is feeble minded. He knows full well he is destroying his marriage from within as result but is trying to make it your responsibility. It's coercive and controlling.

As a PP said, name calling after six months? Just....no.

Weird argument that someone not hiding their drinking means they’re not an alcoholic.

She IS an alcoholic and attends AA as per other thread.

6 months in you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase where everything is wonderful, and he’s calling you a retard in front of your children and ignoring you because you had a glass of wine at lunch? This isn’t a good relationship. He’s not going to change - is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Hell yes. Exactly this.

You're only giving him the benefit of the doubt because he says his father was an alcoholic. How would you react if he hadn't told you this? I'd open another bottle to show I wasn't going to be controlled. More red flags than a communist parade.

He’s horrible. Calling you names as a ‘joke’, and then telling you that you ‘bite easily’ when he gets called up… 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this will get well worse.

I know the lush as I know it come from luscious.

I have lived in the midlands, the southeast of England and now Wales and I have never ever heard anyone describe an alcoholic as a lush, and my husbands dad was an alcoholic, it must be a very old term!

He actually calls you retarded?
Get rid of him asap. He sounds horrible.

This man sounds awful, of course you should throw him out. No-one should ever speak to you like that.

I hope you decide to seek help for your drinking. It does sound unhealthy and I think you probably know it's a problem.

He's a total cunt and you need to leave him. He's being abusive and controlling. If he can't handle you drinking a glass of wine with a meal and is calling you names like 'retarded' (wtf??) and 'lush' and 'alcoholic' for enjoying food and wine pairings, he's vile.

Even if you are a raging alcoholic his behaviour is unacceptable- you have said you no longer want him-put your big girl pants on and tell him to leave.

Well I’ve learnt something today, that lush is not just a term of endearment common amongst Welsh people. Every day is a school day.

Having said that while I thing the abuse is out of order, I do think the OPs alcohol use is on the high side. If someone had posted here saying their partner drinks daily, hides bottles and only shows affection when under the influence, we’d have a different set of responses. He’d be described as a functioning alcoholic and the OP would be told to bin him. Regardless I think that’s good advice as you don’t seem well suited.

Lush is very much an insult. I first heard it watching Dallas back in the day but that was four decades ago!

Nope - his judgement should not extend to you

I v briefly saw a guy (ex alcoholic) and whilst he never judged me (not a big drinker at all but not tee total either ) he still went to meetings etc . Total admiration for him, however he was very rigid in his lifestyle (triggers etc) and I could not envisage never going to a pub again etc. Which is what he adhered to.

He is teetotal and OP sounds like a heavy drinker. Neither the twain shall meet. You should bin him off so he can go and find and a fellow teetollar and you can find someone who wants to drink as much as you do.

It was used when I was growing up in the 60s/70s. I’m pretty sure it was aimed at drunken women, I don't recall men being called lushes. (I’m a Londoner).

Ah poor Sue-Ellen, anyone would end up like her being married to JR.

A heavy drinker and someone already traumatised by an alcoholic parent (or ex partner) is never going to work.

This! Big red flags 🚩 get rid.