Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

No 'loving' partner should ever be emotionally abusive towards you by belittling you and calling you offensive names or withholding affection.
Even without the alcohol, this kind of behaviour is controlling and narcissistic in character. Telling you he's only joking and you're to sensitive etc is a HUGE red flag.
Tell him the relationship no longer works for you and he has a week to organise somewhere else to live. Non negotiable and if he's got nowhere to go, its not your problem, he can check into a B&B.

I stopped drinking for 16 years as it had become a problem. My huband still drank in moderation. I never said a single thing about him drinking, no name calling, no abuse, no withdrawal of affection if he had a drink. Its controlling and abusive. You know its wrong and you know you dont want to stop moderate drinking for him. If he isnt gonna change he has to go. I drink again now but not the way I used to.

He's abusive - calling you 'retarded'?! Bloody hell. Dump him.

3 glasses of wine a day is too much OP. It doesn't give him the excuse to speak to you like shit though.

His language is enough for you to leave the relationship.

My ex was an alcoholic so I have a very low tolerance of someone else’s drinking. In his shoes I would leave a relationship where I was unhappy with my partner's drinking, even if they were not heavy drinkers but my mind told me they were. So either he should leave you, or you should leave him, it’s not going to be a happy relationship for either of you.

He's also a cocklodger by the sound of things. He doesn't hate you drinking so much that he's not prepared to live with you and sponge off you.

No, getting drunker when you seemingly are drinking the same is very obvious to others. They know.

I never mentioned the word alcoholic.

3 glasses of wine every day and then justifying it by saying..but I am not falling around is PROBLEM drinking. Dress it up however you like but it is problematic.

The OP has no intention of ever giving her drinking so she needs to remove him, one because she is not going to change for him and two, he is abusive and a cocklodger.

It really is a simple as that.

Where in the UK is this term used? I have never heard of it before. In Wales 'lush' is a very good thing!

But I feel trapped while hes in my house and wondering when he is gonna go.

When you tell him! Like… today, maybe?

OP, this is really fucked up. 6 months is too soon to be in love, too soon to have him livjng with you and too soon for you to be reliant on his affection and feel ‘starved of affection’

OK, he has issues, understandable, having had an alcoholic father. So until those issues are sorted he needs not to be in a relationship with anyone who drinks. That’s his responsibility. His ethical decision to make to meet his own needs.

He is exploiting you for a place to live, but how was it ever going to work if he was off to America?

He has no right whatsoever to make judgemental comments and in front of your family.

Even if you are / were an alcoholic mocking you and insulting you and being judgemental would not be the way to handle it.

And the old smokescreen for the emotionally manipulative: “it was a joke, you are too sensitive “. Nope, totally dishonest.

@KhakiOrca : Kick him out. Today.

I couldn’t be with anyone who drank alcoholic every day-it would drive me mad. A lot of people are relaxed about it-I’m not. My husband drinks far less since we’ve been together. He’s happy to do that, I never forced him. It really doesn’t sound d as if you are right for each other. You enjoy what you do and don’t want to stop. He should realise that and either come to terms with it or you both end the relationship.

She was concerned enough to have started AA a few months ago...

Tell him he needs to check his next girlfriend is teetotal before his second date, as it’s not fair to try to change someone after the fact.

Lush is an old term for an alcoholic.
Lush as you know it is short for luscious.

He’s making nasty comments about you to your family?

Don’t ignore this! Tell him to move out.

This fully grown bitch-arse man is calling you retarded for drinking?
Even if you do have a drinking problem, that's not okay.
Why are you allowing him to disrespect you? Dump the twat now while you're only 6 months deep. Then pop a cork to celebrate.

His behaviour is appalling

Also not paying any bills is probably a good thing. If he’d paid you “rent” for the month he could maybe try and persuade you he was entitled to stay until June. This way he can just leave.

And there you have it. Just read this thread myself. OP is actually an alcoholic.

That doesn't excuse the name calling at all but it is not like how she portrayed her drinking in this thread.

He thinks that drinking alcohol with your food makes people 'retarded'?!

So not only is he a judgemental prick he's also incredibly thick and ableist.

You need to be having several days per week, where you're not drinking, to give your body a rest.
Please research ‘alcohol cessation’ before attempting this.

It will only get worse. You've got to write out the good and the bad and honestly see which side carries more weight then make a choice and own that choice. Aka, you get to sleep in the bed you've made.

Agree you are not compatible.

I would be concerned with the amount you drink tbh. But the name calling isn’t ok and also isn’t a practical way to deal with a concern.

3 glasses of wine with dinner every evening is a lot. And above recommended limits. So this would annoy me on a partner too.
however I wouldn’t be abusive about it.
you don’t sound very compatible.

Just end this relationship.

Its normal to have some ups and downs and for one person or the other to say things they regret in the heat of the moment. But he’s consistently shaming you in from of others, calling you “lush” and “retarded”, it’s just not on.

He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t respect you, and I’d venture as far to say he doesn’t love you (really).

Break it off and live life on your own terms.

You've only been together 6 months!!! Hardly a partner. It seems all very rushed, has met the kids,family etc. He has no right after such a short amount of time to be referring to as a lush . Tell him to fuck off