Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Daily drinker, excessive drinker, comes looking for affection when drinking.

Works both ways..why doesn't she kick him out? Ball is in her court.

If you read my first sentence I said a standard LARGE glass!

Your confusing everyone with the alcohol non issue
You have an abusive male in your home ,who you want gone .
Give him notice to leave asap.
The alcohol is a red herring,you are not concerned with your alcohol consumption,so it is a non issue
He is using it it to control you and turn people away from you .
He needs to leave your home
Utterly ridiculous he is not paying half the bills
While your busy hiding alcohol from everyone you are not tackling the main issue of getting him out .it is not your problem if he has nowhere to go ..he is a grown man can can hire a air b and b

Which is why I posted as l did.

Most people are saying that he is abusive and that OP is drinking too much.

I agree he is abusive, and OP should certainly LTB, but she will still be drinking too much after he's gone. She needs to address that too.

No one is shaming her. She says herself about her drinking. But she doesn’t think it’s a lot or acts drunk - prob as has a higher intolerance

obviously the main issue is the abuse from her partner

but when drinking people don’t always see the bigger picture

course she shouldn’t have to put up with abusive language /name calling /being unhappy in a relationship

she seems unsure of herself , maybe due to the booze. Maybe due to previous partner drinking

I think we are all in agreement that she needs to get rid of this man. Out of her house. Out of her life

Throw him back, life is too short for this man to be part of it.

It isn't judging someone to say gently that they may have a problem with alcohol. I think it's worse to dismiss or minimise it personally.

Two things can be true - the OP's boyfriend is abusive and taking advantage of her, she is well within her rights to kick him out. And also she may want to separately consider her alcohol consumption. Not everyone who makes the latter suggestion is judging, some people may be doing so kindly or out of concern.

Cocklodger. Send him off to the nearest b&b

You can choose to end things with him for any reason, but, to an outsider, it sounds like his assessment of you is correct. You do sound like an alcoholic

Hi OP,

Aside from what you feel about your own intake, this man sounds like a nasty bully.

I don't drink, haven't for years, and personally believe that alcohol is a harmful substance. However, if you want to have a drink and enjoy your wine with dinner, crack on. What you decide to do as a responsible adult with their own thoughts and opinions, is none of my business.

The fact that he feels entitled to mock you, name call, and do it in front of others, is a huge, great red flag. I'd run in the opposite direction.

Best of luck. xx

I find it deeply interesting on a psychological level that you are clearly a heavy drinker yet you invited a teetotaller to live with you, and having decided that you want him to leave your house you don't post about how to make that happen, but about how he treats you regarding your alcohol use, as if you want him to change and the relationship to continue.

I suspect on some level you want to be told that you drink too much.

You do drink a lot more than is healthy. That's none of our business. Tell this man to pack his stuff and leave. If you're feeling generous give him a month. Given how you describe his behaviour I'd give him a week.

OP, this arrogant cock lodger would be the same whatever he believes you are doing 'to excess' be that eating, Gym, out with friends, seeing family, helping with any future grandchildren you may have..
It's who he is.
I can't wait for you to update us when you've got rid 💐

she found herself hiding her drinking but found that she was drinking more as a result

You left out one important detail from that quote - she recognised she was drinking more and she stopped hiding it. That is not the action of an of an alcoholic - quite the opposite. And drinking wine with food all her life still doesn’t make her an alcoholic - yet you seem determined to label her as such.

He’s a judgmental freeloading sponging twat. Ask him to find somewhere else to live until he goes.

The moment someone called me retarded or accused me of “biting too easily” they’d be out. Come on, have some standards! This is a 6 month relationship not a 20 year marriage with kids and properly to disentangle. It should be easy and fun, not criticism and putting you down.

At best you’re incompatible and he’s a bit of a knob. At worst this is the early stages of abuse- him “testing” how much he can get away with before he gradually ramps it up.

Yes you're drinking too much op, I think you know that really.

That said he sounds horrible and I'd dump him. It's only been 6 months this should be the fun bit!

You win the thread for the most ignorant and judgemental post so far. Well done.

The fact that you are adamant it’s not about how much you drink but you do drink far more than is good for you suggests that you may have more of an issue than you are willing to acknowledge, but you do sound fundamentally incompatible.

I would say one thing to you - you said it’s 3 glasses a day, which means realistically it’s probably 4 or 5, and the glasses people pour at home are much, much bigger than the ones that are considered a measure of wine. That is very damaging for your body, and trying to justify it by saying it’s fine for you to drink heavily because you know about wine and cheese pairings is obfuscating the issue. I think you should get rid of this man because he’s not right for you, but I also think you need to have an HONEST look at your relationship with alcohol.

If I'm teetotal, I am the sober one - I've noticed exactly how much you are drinking; I've seen the affect of the alcohol on your behaviour. You are probably not such a great judge of that. I am capable of knowing and understanding alcohol guidelines and comparing what you've drunk to that, rather than dismissing them as only guidelines and that individuals know their limits. I can see how you are justifying your drinking pattern so you actually do know that others will find it excessive (why, for example, did the OP point out that she was such an expert in pairing food with wine? This doesn't make any difference to the amount she's drinking)

That’s all superfluous though. Whether she is drinking nothing, an amount within guidelines, or more, it does NOT justify him calling her names such as ‘retard’ and abusing her. They have not even been together 6 months, he has planted his bum in her house, seemingly under false pretences of going to the USA but not actually leaving. If he was/is unhappy about her alcohol use, he could simply bow out, and in fact, should never have moved in. They are not married, they don’t have kids, there is zero entanglement so he didn’t have to continue to see someone if this was a problem for HIM, let alone move himself in. So, I would think rather than you justifying his belief that she drinks to much, and his behaviour accordingly, it’s best to admit the bigger problem is him and his behaviour.

If you can drink as much as you like and no one is harmed, including yourself, that isn't alcoholism. It's just a hobby like gardening or painting.

He's an abusive twat and you should get rid of him.

But if I were him I would have left already because I don't want to be around people who drink a lot, which you do.
Been there, done that, never again.

Oh well that's okay then – he can crack on calling her a retard and abusing her in her own home!

Chuck him out, change the locks he’s taking the piss.

Get rid. He's rude, he doesn't respect you, he isn't kind and he's emotionally manipulative.

You do drink too much. So do I. It's something we both need to work on. We don't need twattish controlling men in our lives while we do it.

Maybe you'd be able to get back down to one glass of wine with dinner if you didn't live with a bully.

Love and strength to you.

@KhakiOrca If you are drinking 3 glasses of wine every days with your evening meal then you do have an issue. This is basically a bottle a day and that amount is not healthy.

The main issue, however, is that a man you've been with only 6 months is abusing you and you can't see that. Name calling and deflecting when you stand your ground are abuse. He is doing this to bring you down and control you.

End the relationship. He doesn't care about or respect you and never will.

Some men are just so weak they can't see their partner shine. Your confident and independence threatens his tiny manhood.