Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Completely agree with this. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who drank that much, so I wouldn’t be - if he doesn’t like it he needs to leave not be abusive.

This.

Absolutely I’m appalled, they are rushing to judge her and completely ignoring she’s moved some man in she barely knew, after weeks of knowing him, he’s clearly lied about moving abroad, is homeless and is abusing her. And won’t leave.

The only way you have a future with him is if you give up alcohol. Because to him any alcohol is as triggering as problem drinking might be for you. You will no sooner change him than someone could change you and persuade you problem drinking was OK.
In other circumstances I'd suggest you think about what you want more, freedom to drink wine or the relationship. But the way your partner treats you, the names he calls you, make the choice very easy. Get rid of him and enjoy your wine.

wtf would she want a relationship with a man who calls her a retard.

You are not compatible and this will never work.

You drink too much, that is the bottom line, you drink every day, you hide drink and then drink more and you come looking for affection after having a drink, that is annoying and that is problematic. I can see how anyone would not want to live with a partner like that. Nothing as bad as a partner trying to hug and kiss you with drink on them.

With him, calling you names is abusive. That is not on. He is also a cocklodger and should be paying his way.

You have a choice, cut down on the daily drinking and stay with him or continue with the unacceptable level you are currently drinking and get rid of him.

If someone is complaining constantly about your drinking there is a problem. If you are that desperate for affection, go to him sober and drink afterwards if you have to. Daily drinking to that level is not normal, hiding drink is not normal, knowing your partner is upset because you drink too much and not acknowledging that or even trying to understand how that can be problematic is addict behaviour.

Him calling you names is not normal behaviour.

But I will say this. I lived with a drinker who insisted daily drinking was normal. Who came slobbering over me after he had a drink, who refused to acknowledge there was a problem, who didn't take my feelings into account...it was hell and I did get angry and I suppose, if I am honest, I did call him a lush a few times. It's frustrating, it's maddening, the daily drinking gets boring and tiresome very bloody quick.

Did you call him a retard??

Dump any man or woman who uses the word “retarded” as an insult. It says everything you need to know about them; mainly, that they are roughly as compassionate as a piece of furniture.

No, I did call him a selfish prick though.

What a horrible man he is.

Absolutely, some peoples bar on here is so low. It’s unbelievable.

Why on earth would OP want a future with a man who calls her a retard?

Yeah as that’s the same. Raise your bar.

I don’t think there is much to be confused by. You have been with him for a short period of time and he is already calling you nasty names (alcoholic, retarded) and belittling you in front of your children and siblings.

He needs to fuck off. Why do you think you deserve a controlling, sulking little man that calls you mames? It is better to be alone and at peace then with a man like that who will suck your remaining joy, energy and sparkle. Im guessing he brings little to the table but acts like he is the prize.

your alcohol intake is a different issue, but as others have said, this does not warrant name calling and I dont know why he would have continued this relationship given it is clearly so key for him.

Agree. I can't remember the last time I was so astonished by a thread. Man moves into woman's house, doesn't contribute a penny, calls her a retard and she's the one in the wrong because she likes wine with her meals. The bar's beneath ground!

I specifically said in my posts his name calling is not normal and is abusive.

I also said that I lived with someone like the OP and it was hell. I raised my bar and kicked his ass out.

you drink every day, you hide drink and then drink more and you come looking for affection after having a drink, that is annoying and that is problematic.

OP hasn’t actually said she drinks every day. That’s an assumption on the part of many posters. And she doesn’t hide drink and then drink more, what she actually said was that because of his attitude she found herself hiding her drinking but found that she was drinking more as a result, and she stopped. Those are not the actions of an addict. And OP was clear in that she is not drunk or out of control, so why are you comparing her to your ex, who clearly was ?

You seem to be excusing, if not actively supporting the actions of a clearly abusive man instead of understanding that those actions are driven by an aversion to drinking caused by an alcoholic parent, not by OP’s own drinking habits. He’s not irreversibly tied to OP - in fact the arrangement was intended to be temporary. If he doesn’t like it he can leave any time - l think we all know why he doesn’t.

Can you define ‘someone like the OP’ because it seems to me the only person making life hell is her cocklodger boyfrend. If it’s so bad why doesn’t he leave ? He was only meant to be there temporarily anyway.

Men who bombard you with love then starve you of affection are in my experience coercive controllers. He is getting you to do what he wants.

When you push back he backs off saying it's a joke or "banter". It's not. It's testing then pushing your boundaries.

The next stage will be to isolate you from your friends by saying they don't care about you or aren't good for you. Then he'll do the same with your family. He'll try to make you dependent on him and will wear away your self-esteem.. This is part of it. Then when he thinks you have nowhere else to turn, he will abuse you with emotional or physical violence.

It's only been six months. There are better men.

He is not worth your attention.

You've only known your partner 6 months, so actually you don't know him at all. He's supposedly moving to the US for work but this has yet to materialise. Where was he living prior to moving in with you? I assume the moving to the US was with his current employer? My guess is, either the US move has fallen through or it never existed in the first place. Now he's living 'temporarily' with you, but this is turning out to be far more permanent.

You now want out of the relationship. Him moving to the US is irrelevant, you need to tell him that the relationship isn't working for you, and he needs to move out by X date.

He's living in your home, and still thinks it's acceptable to name call and emotional blackmail you by withholding affection because you have drunk alcohol. No it's not, it's abusive and nasty.

I agree with others, if you're drinking 3 glasses of wine per night, every night, then you could be on a slippery slope to having an alcohol problem. You need to be having several days per week, where you're not drinking, to give your body a rest.

Nevermind the alcohol, he calls you retarded?? Bin with immediate effect.

You both sound very triggering for each other. This can't work. You need to go your separate ways and, if you're sure you don't have a drink issue, you should find someone that enjoys alcohol in the same way as you. It sounds like an important part of your life that you should share with a partner.

And she doesn’t hide drink and then drink more, what she actually said was that because of his attitude she found herself hiding her drinking but found that she was drinking more as a result

Emmmmm that is hiding drink last time I looked. That is exactly the actions of an addict. Drinking is so important to her, she cannot go without so she hides it. I never said my ex was out of control but he drank 3-4 glasses of wine a day and then tried to hug and kiss me which is very offputting. Come to me sober.

Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc

She drinks wine with her food ALL HER LIFE, then you have the justification....caves in France, I know my wine, wine and food pairings are amazing.

I have stated specifically that he is abusive and a cocklodger. That is not to take away from the fact that OP has a drink problem and I understand what it is like when someone drinks daily and then comes looking for affection and gets annoyed when I don't like it.

OP calls the shots here, her house, her choice, her drinking, her standards. She needs to kick him out. Then she can drink to her heart's content.

Why would you ask me that question after reading my post, with particular reference to my second paragraph?

This is the thin edge of the wedge of control and abuse. Bin, bin, bin!