Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

So what that entitles him to call her a retard? I think some posters are so so inflamed by the thought of drinking they can’t see past it.

Be honest with yourself and tot up the number of units you drink every week. Does he have a point?

That said, calling you a retard isn't on. You're only 6 months in, get rid. He'll find something else if you don't..

To think you’re only 6 months in, this will only get worse and worse. You need to leave.

For those throwing around terms like addict and alcoholic.

The definition of AUD - alcohol use disorder (alcoholism) is when the person with the condition can't stop drinking, even if their alcohol use disrupts their lives and the lives of those around them. AUD is the medical term for alcoholism, it’s recognised as a chronic brain disorder characterised by the inability to control or stop drinking alcohol despite severe consequences, and involves a strong, often uncontrollable, craving for alcohol, physical dependence, and withdrawal symptoms when not drinking. Intake steadily increases as the person needs to drink more to achieve the same effect and experiences physical withdrawal - shaking, sweating, nausea - when stopping. AUD sufferers will focus life around alcohol, neglecting work, family, and health, and will continue to drink despite knowing it causes health issues.

OP hasn’t said anything to even remotely suggest that this is the case. If three glasses a day is the norm then it’s problem drinking, but since OP hasn’t been back to clarify, it’s conjecture.

Agree! She admits to liking glasses of wine with a meal. He calls her a r**d and posters ignore that to focus on her drinking.

MN at its maddest.

He has to go if he can't curb his thinking and comments about your drinking- if he is not contributing, he is living for free in the home of someone he keeps criticising- not a tenable position. I would help him pack his stuff, or do it myself and call a cab.
No one should have to tolerate feeling trapped in their own house.

Wise words. I agree with all of this, OP. I can understand his hatred of alcohol, given his childhood. But he’s not good for you, and I wouldn’t let a man who insults me live in my house.

Do consider cutting down your alcohol intake, though, for your own sake.

In a word, you are being bullied.

He shouldn’t call you names but you do drink too much, you are just incompatible.

Just looked, if it’s a 250ml glass that’s counted as 3 units per glass. Wine glasses were 125ml at the pub when I was young. So a 250ml serving x 3 is 9 units per day so weekly that’s 63 units, 125ml would be half so 31,5 units. Recommended NHS limit is 14 units per week for women. I was shocked when I just looked at this. I’m not allowed to drink now as have a heart condition, it’s genetic but did used to love a few, though post menopause I hardly touched it as it made me feel awful,

Whether op fits the exact description of an alcoholic or not will not protect her from cirrhosis (or any of the other myriad unpleasant ways to die early associated with high alcohol consumption) at those daily alcohol levels.

I'm no puritan, love a glass of wine occasionally with a meal, but understand the risks. Ask any doctor, people always underestimate how much they are drinking, even more so if it is a high amount. Only op knows if her 'three' glasses are a pub measure or amount to nearly a whole bottle, but it doesn't matter. Even at the lowest end, op is misusing alcohol daily.

You think focusing on her drinking is more important than calling out the man for being abusive? Riiiighhht.

You sound incompatible.

At best you’re incompatible, at worst (more likely imo) he’s abusive. Do you know for sure the job exists? Him calling you names and the fact he has moved in (potentially under false pretences) so early, not paying anything along with the name calling and controlling behaviour. I think you need to get out of this asap.

Unless you're willing to give up alcohol (and more importantly would be happy to) then you're just not compatible! He should acknowledge this boundary he has because of his father and find someone who doesn't drink because it's not fair to be cruel to someone so that they change their ways. It sounds like you drink sensibly and it isn't a problem to be fixed.

No dear.

In my first post I said that two things can be true at once. That he was verbally abusive, it has only been six months, and that she should leave him. Also that her alcohol consumption was her choice, but that three glasses of wine a day is problematic drinking.

I was responding to the post detailing the definition of an alcoholic.

Not sure why a minority of posters are being so defensive and prickly. Most posts have been calling op's boyfriend abusive AND that op does seem to have a drink problem. They don't cancel each other out.

They prob don’t see an issue as if your ex was their dad they grew around alcohol and prob think you drink less than him

you have a drink problem

my ex dh is an alcoholic. I kicked him out for my daughters sake as well as mine

2yrs later is is still drinking and all his family and I think he will die of booze

he says. I don’t drink every day. But it’s the amount he drinks. The fact he can’t stop at one

people just went to help you - don’t take offence

I did actually qualify what I said, in that if OP is indeed drinking three glasses a day - even small ones - it’s problem drinking, and of course the health effects and risks are present. But my point still stands - OP didn’t post for an evaluation of her alcohol intake, she posted for advice on how to handle the frankly appalling behaviour of her cocklodger boyfriend. Instead, in their rush to judgement, posters are ignoring the actual issue in favour of slinging around words like addict and alcoholic with little or no appreciation of what those terms actually mean. With the predictable result that yet another OP is driven off their own thread.

If you’re drinking several glasses of wine a day then you’re an alcoholic. Doesn’t matter if OP is trying to justify it with her wine pairing courses.

Nope. Try looking up AUD or alcoholism before attaching labels. It’s about much more than how much you drink - it’s about your whole attitude to alcohol and how you use/misuse it.

Please look up what being in the grip of alcoholism really looks like. OP is alcohol dependent at most, not an alcoholic.

I can’t beleive this, this woman is in there being abused, he calls her a retard, and folks are so hysterical about alcohol they just ignore it and call her an alkie.

I'm not going to get into the argument about alcohol units... But one thing I know about drinking is, it can lead you to put up with things that you shouldn't: a bad marriage, a bad job, doesn't matter, you've got your glass at the end of the day to soothe you... It makes you put with things that should not be put up with.

Like, someone who called you 'retarded' in your own home should be lying in the street with your bootmark in his arse... 🤬

Agree. Yet again posters ignoring the actual issue and rushing to judgement. If OP is drinking three glasses a day, then it’s certainly problem drinking, but she may not even be alcohol dependent if she can stop drinking with no ill effects. The number of posters throwing these terms around without any knowledge of what constitutes addiction is really quite shocking. What’s even more shocking is the number is posters prioritising this over the appalling treatment meted out by her boyfriend.

Even if the OP did have a drink problem you don’t “help” people by calling them names and shaming them.

This guy is abusive and using you for a free place to stay after only 6 months. Your drinking is your issue to deal with. It does sound like you have a problematic relationship with alcohol, but he chose to move in with someone who drinks. To abuse you for that is pointless. He's just a nasty, abusive cocklodger.