Partner is so judgemental about my alcohol.

[KhakiOrca]

Hi everyone

I've been with DP for 6 months. I came out of a long term relationship with an alcoholic ex.

So , the issue is around alcohol. He doesn't drink at all. Whereas I have had alcohol with food all my life. I have done a wine course with my job and I can pair wine with food and have been to caves in France with wine and cheese etc.

I find wine and food pairings amazing.

But he keeps calling me a lush, he says things in front on my siblings and children (which they have picked up on)

I went through a stage of hiding alcohol from him, but to me this is destructive as I feel like im being secretive. I then realised this was actually making me drink more !
So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc.

I just want to live my life as I have always done, and at the age of 55 I know my limits. My daughter and sisters have picked up on his comments to.

I also notice that if I have any amount of alcohol at all he won't give me affection which I really need.

Im so confused 😕

Get rid and find a man you can enjoy a nice glass of wine with and a cheese board!

She has 3 glasses of wine a day everyday by the sounds of it. That’s an alcoholic. She probably isn’t drinking small 125ml measures so she probably is drinking a full bottle.

This fellow needs to be shown the door…..as in today!

Right. So he admits himself that it’s not from a place of concern. The only other place it’s coming from is a place of control.

America?! My arse! You got yourself a cocklodger in less than 6 months! Get rid! He's not making you hapoy or you him, not worth it.
If he grew up with an alcoholic parent (I did), I can understand if he has zero tolerance with alcohol. BUT if that's his red line, then he should look for a partner who doesn't drink at all and who aligns with this, not trying to control and force someone to act as he wishes. This relationship is dead, he's living at your expenses and makes your life miserable. Free yourself.

Oh my goodness OP, get him out of your house. Today. And raise your standards.

OP, you deserve so much better than this man in your life. He is cruel and disrespectful. If he was genuinely concerned about your drinking he wouldn’t be treating you like this.

I completely understand that all you want is to feel loved and wanted by the person you’ve chosen to be with. However, the things you have said…this man is horrible to you. He is trying to change and control you. That’s not love on his part. Listen to your gut and your family and be brave. Get rid of this cocklodger.

He’s abusing you. Leave. Once he bully’s you into ditching alcohol it will be something else he starts to attack you about. Leave now.

Ask him to leave, today. You owe him nothing after 6 months

He's an abusive cocklodger and you are an alcoholic @KhakiOrca . Throw him out first and then reflect on your alcohol intake. Drinking alcohol every day is what alcoholics do. Been there.

Any man who called me a r**d no matter how much I drunk would be out the door so fast his feed wouldn't touch the ground.

Get rid today, OP. He's an abusive cocklodger and he needs to go before your lives become even more enmeshed.

@KhakiOrca So now I dont hide anything, but because of that, hes now calling me retarded, alcoholic, lush, etc

Well, fool be anyone being with someone who even uses the word ‘retard’ let alone being called that by them. Do you have zero standards?

This 6 months in?! Get rid

I would also say that Op has red flags, drinking way too much and trying to justify it.

That sounds like something that an alcoholic would write to justify their alcohol usage.

If I'm teetotal, I am the sober one - I've noticed exactly how much you are drinking; I've seen the affect of the alcohol on your behaviour. You are probably not such a great judge of that. I am capable of knowing and understanding alcohol guidelines and comparing what you've drunk to that, rather than dismissing them as only guidelines and that individuals know their limits. I can see how you are justifying your drinking pattern so you actually do know that others will find it excessive (why, for example, did the OP point out that she was such an expert in pairing food with wine? This doesn't make any difference to the amount she's drinking).

If I'm teetotal due to past experience of alcohol abuse; I am probably going to find anyone drinking round me difficult, so for that reason alone OP and her partner should split up.

You aren’t compatible.

That’s a large glass. A standard glass of wine in a pub is 125ml, medium in 175ml and large is 250ml. It’s important not to understate a problem but also not to overstate it either. OP hasn’t said what size glasses or hoe often and the words addict and alcoholic are being thrown around, seemingly without much knowledge of the significant difference between problem drinking and addiction/dependence.

You have no idea what alcoholism is if you think it’s simply drinking alcohol every day.

Wow, what a lot of garbage from that “therapist”. The people not self medicating with an addictive substance are the dysfunctional ones. Sure.

I don’t drink and I don’t judge anyone. If they are heavy drinkers I might feel concerned but I also know from my own time as a drinker that it has to be for them to solve and me harping on is going to have no impact

Probably. Maybe. By the sounds of it. And no, that’s not an alcoholic - having a couple of drinks a day is totally different to being addicted/dependent. I wouldn’t disagree that OP is drinking too much if it is three glasses a day - even small ones - but that absolutely doesn’t mean she’s an alcoholic.

You e been with him six months and he’s already living with you? When did he move in, you must have been with him weeks. Did he lie so he could get someplace to live and saw you as an easy mark?

of course he needs to leave, be straight with him, get siblings round if you need support, leave immediately , even if you need to book an air bnb for a couple of days for this homeless guy.

it’s not about the booze, he isn’t into you, he even calls you retarded, he’s there for fhe accommodation, and can’t tolerate you. You’ve been had.

stop demeaning yourself and asking for affection, he isn’t into it. He just needed someone to stay.

Please leave this horrible man.

Did he not know or realise you were a heavy drinker in the beginning? Surely with the amount you drink daily it would be clearly obvious to a sober non drinker.

His way of dealing with it is off but surely you can see where it's coming from? Especially as it sounds like you are indeed drinking excessively (which is up to you of course).

If you want rid, just up the intake even more maybe.

The people calling OP an alcoholic haven't a clue. Three glasses of wine a day with food does not mean OP is in the grip of alcoholism. It means she's alcohol dependent at most. There's such a big difference between the two.

Read Catherine Gray's The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober if you want to know what being an alcoholic is really like.