Would my partner’s comments about other women bother anyone else?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This has been playing on my mind a lot lately and I was hoping to kind of exorcise it by getting some other viewpoints.

Dp is amazing in so many ways. We have a 6 week old baby and he’s a great dad. He’s great with housework, does his fair share of night feeds, great with my children from a previous marriage. If I need him to help with anything for them he’ll arrange his work to make it happen. I can’t fault him in that regard.

So the problem… commenting on other women. I feel like we can’t watch anything without a ‘she’s nice’ or a ‘I can’t work out if she’s pretty or not’. I know he looks at women he finds attractive on a day to day basis. He tries his best to be discrete about it but I’ve caught him on a few occasions. I don’t tend to mention it and just pretend I haven’t noticed. It came up once in a light hearted conversation and he made a joke about how he tries to be discrete as to not make the women in question feel uncomfortable. I know he has porn apps on his phone. Again, he’s very open about this and while in itself it’s not a deal breaker for me, the picture as a whole is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. He tells me that he’s attracted to me and he’s very affectionate on a day to day basis. He did make a few clumsy comments recently about how I’ve lost a lot of my bum in pregnancy and I need to start squatting which he apologised profusely for when I told him it upset me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be letting this bother me. If we had no sex life and he didn’t pay me any attention it would be a different story but that’s not the case. I’m not naive. I know he’s going to find other women attractive and that’s normal. He’s just so blatant about it which makes me paranoid that he’s comparing me or he wishes I look more like whoever he’s found attractive at that precise minute. Probably doesn’t help that I currently have 2 stone of baby weight to loose.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here or would this bother anyone else?

Oh this would absolutely bother me so much so that unless he changed I wouldn't be with him. But what others think isn't really relevant it's what you want in your relationship.

Neither me or my husband watch pornography we both agreed it wasn't adding anything to our relationship so we both stopped. He did in the early days have a mindset that objectified women because its very normalised unfortunately. He did work on himself to change this mindset. I say this because I know there will be others that say men don't change and to expect less or be ok with whatever he does because it could always be worse.

It's your life and your relationship you get to decide what it looks like.

Tbh it would bother me - i couldn't get serious as he seems, at the very least, a man who isn't in control of himself 🥺

I go back and forth on whether I can cope with it or not. There are times where it genuinely doesn’t bother me. As a whole I don’t suffer from particularly low self esteem. There are things about me I know could be better but at the end of the day doesn’t everyone have those. Then there are times like now where it’s really getting me down.

Theres been a couple of comments lately that have bothered me. One being the bum comment mentioned. The other being about boobs. I will be the first to admit I don’t like my boobs. He knows this and I will joke about how awful they are. I’d have a boob job if it wasn’t for the fact I won’t take the risk of it going wrong and leaving my children without a mum for vanity. Anyway, the women in his family all have big boobs. He asked if I thought our daughter would inherit mine or his families. I asked ‘why? Is it because your families are better?’ And he said yes. He then backtracked about how I know he loves mine and it’s only me who has an issue with them but he really didn’t need to ask that question in the first place! I’ve also had ‘are you going out with your hair like that?’ When I’ve stuck it up to do the school run.

I just feel like these comments are particularly hurtful and not needed when I pushed a baby out less than 2 months ago.

I would feel like hes just one golden opportunity away from cheating on me.

Sure people find other people attractive. But id like to think/hope that a man who is getting laid regularly by a woman he finds attractive would kind of have that urge to look elsewhere dulled

This would get on my every last nerve. I’d hate it

The bar is honestly so low for men.

He's very....stuck.... on how women look isn't he?

Does he ever compliment you on things that aren't related to how you look?

To be honest with you I have pretty rock solid self esteem and I can't emphasise enough how much I would hate this.

Having an active sex life and finding you attractive isn't the comfort it should be tbh. He thinks it is, that he's such a prize he makes your knees weak.

He seems to have an attitude regarding women that is objectifying if I'm honest with you.

I think most men will always notice an attractive woman, it's just animal instinct. The problem here is that he makes it obvious (unless your looking for it now). The thoughtless comments on your appearance are not fair, I would not like that at all, especially as you've just had a baby!

Is he thoughtful in your relationship in any other ways?

He asked if his little daughter would inherit big boobs or not? That's a bit fucking creepy.

He sounds like an absolute sleezeball. Ogling other women? Porn on his phone? Negging you, including saying his mum and sisters (yuk yuk yuk) had better breasts? It’s all so disrespectful.

Seconding. He sounds like... if one of these women he is internally salivating over flicked her gaze over and made eye contact he'd be shagging her at the next opportunity.

Once you've noticed someone's behaviour you can't un-notice it unfortunately.

Tell him to stop commenting about other people's appearances in front of you. Every time.

He has no respect for you and is enjoying making you feel insecure and question your own attractiveness. It will chip away at your self esteem. It's a form of negging.
Personally I'd be telling him if he finds all these othe women so attractive why doesn't he just end the relationship and go off and play the field. That's what he is already doing in his mind..
He is not a decent man otherwise he would not behave like this to the mother of his child.

Sorry, did you just tell us that he initiated a conversation about what his child's breasts would look like in future, and expressed that he had compared the breasts of women he is biologically related to vs your family, decided that his family members breasts were sexually appealing to him, and therefore he would prefer if your daughter had the same type of breasts?
What the fuck????

Yeah I don't like the sound of this at all. Absolutely vile comment about your daughter. Beyond hideous.

The real question is, how are you supposed to feel truly secure, and truly loved, by a man with wandering eyes?

I've never been in a relationship like this OP. Not all men do this. I think he's actually got some pretty serious issues, and I'm not surprised in the slightest that you find his behaviour upsetting. His behaviour is really quite grim, to say the least.

What are you going to do about it?

It seems like he doesn’t see women as, you know, people. Merely some sort of object that exists for his gaze. I don’t like the sound of him at all

Porn apps on his phone? What a prince among men.

I wouldn’t care about him commenting women are attractive to a degree, but objectifying women through porn? I could not respect this sort of tragic sleazebag. And your update shows his to be utterly repugnant. Worrying so.

Why do so many women oh here have such low bars? They’ll settle, and reproduce with disgusting basic morons. It’s tragic.

This.

Women do this because they succumb to their base instincts to have children at almost any cost. Of course, unlike men, they get a pass on here for doing so.

The rest is meh… only really matters what you think and feel about it but…

Did he honestly say he hopes HIS BABY GIRL has big boobs one day?
I have a baby girl and if my partner ever dared to say anything so fucking pervert I’d kick him out and tell absolutely everybody why.

Put your fucking foot down on this NOW. Change your tone, your body language, everything and tell him not to ever comment on your daughter’s body ever again, fucking creep.

If it's mostly physical/sexual stuff (I assume "she's nice" means "she's physically attractive to me" rather than "I appreciate the generous and compassionate way she approaches sensitive controversial topics") and he only comments on women and not men, then yeah, it's a problem. Even he acknowledges he's making women uncomfortable, so between that and his knowing how much it bothers you I'd wonder why he can't control himself and at the very least keep his comments to himself. Then again, perhaps you're better off knowing what he's thinking.

Sorry, he speculated on the future size of his infant daughter’s boobs? Are you married to Donald Trump?

He’s a gross, disgusting misogynist and dodgy as fuck at best. I wouldn’t want to look at him, never mind sleep with him 🤮🤮🤮

He’s talking about his 6 week olds future boobs? What.

Hes declared himself the decider of women’s attractiveness and walks around rating them, commenting on you negatively, comparing you to other women, even whilst you’re carrying his child or recovering from birth. He’s open about it because he thinks it’s his right. and now he’s already subjecting his newborn daughter to comments about her body.

It’s giving Donald-Trump-I-want-to-fuck-my-daughter-Ivanka vibes.