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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

192 replies

InvisibleWoman88 · 08/05/2026 09:20

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
FungibleAssets · 08/05/2026 09:23

You leave him, OP. And you have a fuck ton of therapy.

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 08/05/2026 09:23

InvisibleWoman88 · 08/05/2026 09:20

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

Tell her family before the girl’s life ruined!

RosaMundi27 · 08/05/2026 09:24

Yep, tell her and her family. Show them the texts/ messages. She has a right to know and so do they. And you'll have the extra satisfaction of ruining his plans.

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 08/05/2026 09:25

Tell both the girl and her family.

Somesweetday · 08/05/2026 09:30

Do you honestly think if he ever gave up the poor woman he is cheating on he would remain faithful to you?

And why would you tell her family? She is not a child. At least give her the the respect of treating her like an adult and tell her. And you should tell her. She deserves to know. What she does with the information is up to her.

You really need to distance yourself from this man OP and work on your self esteem and self worth.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/05/2026 09:32

You give her the information and you leave him. What she chooses to do with it is not your problem.

Tell her, give evidence and block him. Everywhere.

Sassylovesbooks · 08/05/2026 09:42

From reading your post OP, your sole reason for wanting to tell this woman her partner is cheating on her with you, is because you believe she'll ditch him, leaving him free to date you. If that's the case, then you are delusional. Yes, she might ditch him (if she has any sense she will) but he's not going to fall back into your arms, and ride off into the sunset with you! He'll most likely blame you for breaking up his relationship, be very angry with you and never want to see you again.

This man doesn't give a flying fuck about you. He tells you what you want to hear, to keep you interested, and waiting for him. He'll happily marry this woman, and continue seeing you as well. He doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you and has been using you.

By all means tell her, but then you need to block him and have no further contact with him. Seek some therapy as a matter of urgency. You have an extremely low self-esteem, to be putting up with this man treating you like utter dirt. He's scum, and doesn't deserve you or the woman he's planning on marrying.

BunnyLake · 08/05/2026 09:55

Are you wanting him to yourself if they split?

WhereIsMyLight · 08/05/2026 09:58

Tell the woman, not to get them to break up and have your chance with him but because she deserves to know. Then block him on everything. Just don’t engage.

My ex cheated on me with another woman, then cheated on her with me. Men like this operate by reeling you back in when you get too far away. They like to you keep you there as a backup but you’re never a priority.

If she dumps him, I’m willing to bet he’ll come crawling back to you with the sweet words, telling you of course he made a mistake, of course he loves you, he doesn’t think he’s ever loved someone like he loves you. If you go back, it’ll be nice for a while but he’ll grow distant and likely cheat again. And again. The cycle will just repeat. If you try to find someone else he’ll come back hard, you’re the love of his life and if that doesn’t work, he’ll be depressed, maybe suicidal because his love for you is just too strong and he can’t stand knowing what he’s lost.

It’s all just an act. If someone cares about you, you aren’t a secret. Just save yourself a lot of time, energy and heartbreak and block him.

SallyAnnDrivesACar · 08/05/2026 10:00

You tell this girl.
You dump him.

Endofyear · 08/05/2026 10:01

Sorry OP but if you're desperate to be with a man who's a cheat and a liar, you need to get some therapy to address your low self esteem issues. You deserve much better than him!

Hotandpointy · 08/05/2026 10:02

Just block his number, stay the hell away from them both and as PPs said, get some decent therapy.
When you have more respect for yourself, you will meet someone who respects you too and treats you well. You know you deserve better than the crumbs this man is giving you.

ConverselyAttired · 08/05/2026 10:03

He'll just replace her. You're not enough for him and he sure as hell shouldn't be enough for you.

Bonbon21 · 08/05/2026 10:05

First post nails it.
Get rid.
Get therapy.

Sprinkleofspice · 08/05/2026 10:18

Tell her, with proof.
Dump and block this awful excuse of a man.
Get your self esteem off the floor (therapy).
Stay single to work on yourself.
Find someone who deserves you and would never be unfaithful.

Sorry OP, I don’t think there is any chance he will want to be with you solely, because he’s a cheater. That’s who he is, he likes it and does it well. There is probably something from your childhood that is keeping you in this situation. You deserve true love and a healthy relationship, but you need to make the decisions that will guide you towards that (not with this dickhead)

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/05/2026 10:23

Get some self respect and fuck him off permanently

powersthatbe · 08/05/2026 10:30

You say you are “trauma bonded” like its something you have no choice over. You have choices. You can move away from whatever trauma is “bonding” you. Ditch that narrative OP, and get the hell out.

SpaDaysForAll · 08/05/2026 10:36

yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me.

Are you agreeing to these meetings?

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 08/05/2026 10:37

The woman he wants to marry isn't the problem, he is.

Get some therapy and run far far away from this abusive shit of a man.

WandaWomblesaurusWonka · 08/05/2026 10:40

What a disgusting creep he is. OP why are you staying in this situation?

SixLeggedSugarBug · 08/05/2026 10:41

Leave him, tell her, get serious therapy.

Why would you see this man as a prize to be won. He is vile and a cheat.

SpareMe · 08/05/2026 10:52

There is no happily ever after outcome possible here(except never seeing this lying, cheating waste of skin again)
I really hope you can come to understand that the person you think you are in love with doesn’t exist and never has.
Please don’t let him use you for sex a moment longer.

Middletoleft · 08/05/2026 11:02

Trauma bonded? Good grief.
Why on earth are you still chasing after this man, who quite clearly couldn't care less about you. You don't need him in your life.

PerryMenopaws · 08/05/2026 11:11

He sounds like a complete arsehole, but as its you posting, I'll address you.

You dated a man who was into other women, he then dumped you, then you begged and semi-stalked him and now because he chooses someone else you're thinking you can force him to choose you by going nuclear.

I'm sorry as I can see you're emotionally mixed up, but that's the real situation.

Please: cut off all contact, and go and get some therapy. Leave his gf and her family alone. Learn to accept that relationships are meant to be mutual choices and you can't force someone to love you.

Someone will love you. That person will never be this man.

Newnamesarehard · 08/05/2026 11:13

You're probably not the only one he is cheating with, I would do whatever you feel you need to do but do understand that even if it did go all your way and you entered a relationship, you will never ever trust him, and he will never be faithful.

You need to move on. What trauma has bonded you?

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