I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

OP, this sounds like limerence. I suffered from it, it ruined so much of my life, I am fine now and look back on that time as literal madness. Please read up on that, and yes, have therapy. This will drag you down and down.What Is Limerence? Causes, Signs and How To Stop

"I’ve had therapy once before. After I didn’t reply to his message, we talked for an hour.But as soon as he wrote to me, I replied immediately.I don't want to cut him out of my life completely;the thought of him being gone forever hurts too much.Maybe he will always put me in second place, but I still can't give up on him"

What do you mean by once before? Therapy is not a one and done thing. You need to keep on with it. You can give up on him. You're choosing not to. The addiction thing comes from the way he breadcrumbs you - gives you a tiny bit of the attention he knows you crave and then treats you like shit the rest of the time. But you can walk away. Please have some more therapy. Please read Women Who Love Too Much. Look into love addiction and avoidance addiction (they are often 2 sides of the same coin; whilst you're pursuing this man who doesn't really want to be with you, it wouldn't surprise me if you're ignoring at least one other guy who would love to offer you a committed relationship).

Fill your life with other people, interests and activities. Most of us have experienced unrequited love. Most of us have had our hearts bruised and broken. We move on. We get busy and interested in other things. You can do that. Fill your life with other people and things. Move on. Yes, it can hurt like crazy for a while but time and action will heal you. That is the only way the situation is going to get better - if you remove yourself from it.

What the fuck is trauma bonding and why does it apply to this relationship?

Please leave this woman's family alone. Being cheated on is bad enough without you publicly humiliating her in front of people she has to be around for the rest of her life. I really can't believe anyone is condoning this absolutely mad idea.

Op, you are coming off quite worrying. Please contact someone for help with this because I don't think ruminating on mumsnet is going to help you. He's never going to give you what you want. This isn't a romantic movie. Men who want to be with you fight to do that - yes always, in 100% of cases.

I've been in a similar situation. He was my boss at a solicitors I worked for. He convinced me and everyone else that he was single. There were warning signs but I was young and stupid. When I found out he was engaged to someone else I was devastated but I was so obsessed with him I kept going back to him, seeing him on any terms, just to be with him. He actually told me that he intended to cheat on his wife when he got married, said it was a perk of his job, sleeping with his secretary, said all the partners did it. He made me feel worthless, like a piece of meat. I eventually walked away and left him to it, then sorted out my own life, which wasn't easy but became the best thing I ever did. I was going to tell his fiancée but my best friend stopped me. He said I was too emotionally fragile and it could all backfire spectacularly on me, which would have made my life even worse. I was actually going to turn up at the church on his wedding day and tell the bride but thank god my friend stopped me. I'd have probably been thrown out and made to look like a crazy woman. He'd actually been single when I got together with him, he'd split with her recently which I knew about but he forgot to mention he'd got back together with her and got engaged whilst he was still seeing me. My friend said it was her look out and asked me to be honest and did I only want to tell her to ruin it for him, not out of any concern for her. In the end I kept well away. Years later, I'm happily married to someone who respects women. In a bit of karma, I heard that his wife ended up cheating on him many years after they were married and she then married the other person and is very happy. I see him around regularly as we both live in the same small market town and I honestly can't understand what I ever saw in him.

I think OP thought this guy was serious about her and she was in a relationship with him. Finding out that wasn't the case she experienced as a traumatic event as well as him dumping her repeatedly and breadcrumbing her. It's abusive and the cycles of negative and positive reinforcement has strengthened her attachment to him.

It's also a way to keep herself stuck. She doesn't want out.

@InvisibleWoman88 , that means you're in an abusive situation with this man. I hope you go seek mental health care ASAP.

I don't want to humiliate her in front of her circle.I just want her to take this step knowing everything.Even if it’s not me, this man will cheat on her with someone else.If she accepts being cheated on, then she should accept marrying him.I just know that she sees him as a 'clean,' perfect man, and she deserves to know the truth before making a life-long commitment.

You think in a year him being out of your life will hurt more than you're currently hurting?

Believe me, it won't. I've been there trying to convince a guy he loved me. If they don't, they don't. And it hurts more to be like this than for them to be gone.

Realise your worth.

"trauma bond"
Grow up.

Even if he loses her he won’t marry you OP. He said he chose her because he means he doesn’t love you or want to be publically linked to you.

In the beginning,he kept telling me that he was going to marry me.I truly believed him and thought we had a future together.That's why it's so hard for me to let go now;I’m still mourning the version of him that I fell in love with.It feels like I'm addicted to a promise that was never real, and even though I see the truth now,my heart is still stuck in those early days

Men will say anything to get in your pants

He’s a horrible man.

Please dump him.

He's not that man. That was a front and he's not going back to it. He will not be that man for you. You're in love with a lie. It's not real. He said words he didn't mean and it's your dreams that you projected onto him that you love, not the lying cheater that he really is.

Yes, you're stuck. That's why you need mental health care.

When I told him,'You're just using me for sex,' he replied by saying 'If I wanted that, there are plenty of women who want to sleep with me. I'm not having anything with other women, I'm only with you.'He uses this to make me feel like I’m special and the 'only one,' even though he is planning to marry someone else.

If you really can’t see how much you’re being played here, then I’m not sure we can help you. Are you okay? I really think you should talk to someone, this is really very unhealthy.

But he was shagging another woman… and probably others. He wants to sleep with them AND you which is why he would say all that shit to get in your pants. He probably told them the same to get in THEIR pants

Yes, and you are one of those "other"women.

But you’re not the only one because he’s marrying someone else?

Stop being a passenger in your own life. The more you spout this trauma bond rubbish the more you’ll believe it. Block him & move on. Get some therapy or at least some space.

He claims that he isn't sleeping with the woman he's engaged to.He says it's because she is a virgin.He uses this as an excuse to justify why he keeps coming to me,making it sound like our physical relationship is a 'necessity' while he maintains a 'pure' image with her.

He’s a liar. He tells lies. He’s lied to you and probably about you.

You can’t believe a word he says, so stop believing him.

Even if his is true (it isn't), he's a cheat. And if it is true (still isn't), the second they're married, what use does he have for you? You won't be the "only one" who can give him what he needs. He will have his wife for that.

You are not the other woman in your own relationship. You are just the other woman.

That is a massive steaming pile of bullshit that nobody in their right mind would believe. He’s really done a number on you.

How on earth do you know these details? Did the man in question tell you that? I wouldn't trust a word he says.

You are worryingly obsessed with this man who doesn't give a toss about you. My advice is to step away entirely. Delete his number, block him, never see or speak to him again. And whatever you do, do not contact his fiancee's family. That is overstepping in a serious way. I have been in the unfortunate position of being cheated on. I never told my family about it, because it wasn't something I wanted to share with anyone. I preferred to cope with the pain alone, in private. If someone else had taken it upon themselves to reveal that information to members of my family, it would have made the situation infinitely worse for me.