I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

This as well.

Again, please do not involve anyone in her family. If she doesn't believe you, there is nothing you can do about it. But if you speak to her mother or anyone else, you are choosing to involve more people in some intensely emotional aspects of a private relationship. She may decide to speak to her mother. But she may not. Don't take that choice away from her. It's deeply unfair.

A person who will cheat with you will cheat on you.

Is this what you want for your life? This sad, immature man who uses you for his own pleasure?

I discovered that he has logged into her social media accounts from his own phone and changed the settings so that she cannot receive messages from anyone she doesn't follow. He’s literally built a wall around her to keep the truth out. However, I managed to find her phone number. Now that I have a direct way to reach her outside of his control, I’m planning my next move carefully. I want to make sure she actually sees the evidence before he can delete it

This won’t get you what you want. It’s a very bad idea. Especially when you’re still shagging him.

I feel envious at times, knowing he picked her over me

You aren't responsible for her. If she thinks you're making things up, it's not your problem to worry about. You cannot be shagging someone's partner and proclaim yourself guardian of their wellbeing. You look after you, and please leave this woman alone.

And that’s why you want to tell her.

Drop this “trauma-bonded” bullshit and have some self respect. He is using you for sex.

He will not get rid of her, you are the other woman. Block him and move on and find someone who respects you.

I am fully aware of that. I know he’s not a faithful man.My struggle isn't about believing he's perfect, it’s about dealing with the hurt of not being chosen despite knowing his flaws

He’s just future faking you to stop you wandering off. He doesn’t actually want to be with you full time or else he would be. He just wants you on the side. I’m sorry.

If it wasn't me, he would be cheating on her with someone else anyway

He’s offering crumbs of hope just to keep me around, and it’s time I stop settling for them

You're clutching a bit here op.

On the one hand flippantly claiming if you weren't fucking her partner, someone else would be so who cares. Simultaneously saying you're so desperate to protect her that you're going to contact her mother.

You need to be honest with yourself: this is all about you, and you're desperate to make sure she believes you and leaves him because you can't bear the idea that your actions won't get rid of her, which is your real intent.

Be honest with yourself.

I saw a situation similar IRL and the OW told the GF and the result was that the OW was cut off completely and the couple patched it up. That's almost certainly going to be the result.

Trying to hurt her or get rid of her isn't going to solve your problem, which is coming from inside you. Please take this advice and get support for yourself and leave this poor woman alone.

I'm trying to find my way out, but right now, I'm just struggling to process everything.

this.

Deep down, I know I just want to be in her place.It was my dream to be his first choice, the person he’d want to marry.But it didn't happen.I know I have to let go and I realize that I’m not the one he truly loves

Let go. Walk away and take back your power

I've decided not to tell her. I want him to be happy, and I don't want to be the reason their relationship falls apart.If I cause trouble between them, he will cut me out of his life forever.I will remain silent.I know that once he marries her, he will remove me from his life anyway.Since he chose her, he must love her, and in this case, I am the one who needs to step out of the picture, not her.

Honestly op stop. You’re obsessing. Put the computer or phone down and go do something else. Go for a walk or something. Watch crappy television phone a mate for a chat.

You're right.I've spent too much time today spiraling over this.I'm going to take your advice and step away for a while.Thank you for the reality check.

You’ve had a lucky escape he sounds like a bloody fruitcake!

It doesn't matter whether she "gives him up", because whether she does or she doesn't, he doesn't want a committed relationship with YOU.

She might decide to keep him, her decision. She might not believe you, but you'll have told her the truth. She might give him up, but he still won't be yours.

What she may or may not do about her relationship should not be a factor in decisions you make about your life.

And you find this attractive in a man?

You're right, even if she leaves, it doesn't change the fact that he isn't choosing me for a real relationship