I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

No, I don't find it attractive at all. Perhaps I’m just holding onto a fantasy where I’m the one who can change his ways and make him loyal.I want to believe that I’m the exception, the one he would actually stay faithful to.But maybe the woman who finally makes him loyal is the one he's marrying. Maybe he will actually become a faithful man for her

Again, it doesn't matter what's going on in their relationship.

All that matters is what you want and need here. And you need to look at him as if he was a new man your friend was telling you about. What would you tell a friend to do?

You're right.If a friend told me this story, I would tell her to run and never look back.I would tell her that she's far too valuable to be anyone's 'maybe' or 'backup plan.' It’s just so much harder to follow my own advice when my heart is involved

To protect your heart, follow your head here.

You have to learn when to let your heart lead and when it should be your head. This is a head situation. It requires sense and logic and not emotions.

For the love of all that is good and holy stop framing everything around him. He is a complete and total bellend, a waste of time, energy and effort. He is an abusive, manipulative weasel. Why are you even considering whether you can make his life easier and help him to be happy?

You leave him because he is being horrible to you, because you deserve better, you deserve to be loved and cared for, you leave him because he’s a 2-timing scum-bag with the morals of an alley cat who’s willing to take advantage of people who care for him. Ultimately, just leave the relationship.

I’m going to start reading 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood now, as suggested earlier. It was really good for me to write here; at least I've given up on the idea of messaging her.I need to focus on my own healing and peace of mind for a change

Im sensing there are cultural elements at play too

Anyway grow up and stop trying to steal other womens men

I’m not trying to steal anyone’s man.He was with me before her.If anyone stole someone’s man, it was her stealing him from me.But honestly, I'm done with this competition.I'm stepping away

Twenty years ago I could have written your post. Except I suspected but didn't know the man I was seeing, was seeing other people. I remember constantly looking at his social media and finding snippets of info about him online.
The thing I remember most was the feeling of hope and hopelessness. Hoping he'd choose me and hopelessness that he didn't. I also got the breadcrumbs - pushing me away and pulling me back. My already low self esteem was in shreds. I remember feeling I had no control over the situation. Eventually I walked away.
For many years, he sent me sporadic emails telling me he was thinking about me, I was the one (except obviously I wasn't). I later found out that he had met somebody, had a child with her. And yet his emails continued. I had stopped replying by then. Years had passed. Nothing had changed and my instinct told me that I was one of many. Then one day he wrote that she found the emails. She threatened to take the child. He was scared and stopped emailing. And then a year later, he started emailing again. By then I felt pity for this woman, the mother of his child. I wrote and asked him to stop emailing. Some years later, I put his name into Google. And found out that he had married this woman all those years ago.
He was wealthy and I can only hope that she gained something from marrying and spending her best years with a man who treated her so dismally. I have no doubt whatsoever that he continued emotionally cheating, if not physically cheating, on her, to this day.

OP This man did not choose you. That is hard to accept. You cannot make him choose you. You are worth so much more. Every day you spend thinking about this man is a day less living your life. Block him. Delete his number. Stop looking at his friends and family and workplace social media pages. Everytime you feel like it, turn off your computer, take up a hobby that occupies your time. It is hard to suddenly cut someone out of your life but this man is making you sick emotionally and mentally. You need to cut him out.

I’m so grateful that you shared your experience and your story with me.Looking at the future through your eyes, I can finally see that this man is a lost cause.He isn’t even wealthy like the one you described; he has absolutely nothing of value to offer.It’s a powerful realization that I might actually pity the woman I’m currently envious of years from now.I realize now how foolish it was to want a future with someone who has this much potential to hurt me.If I had married him and had a child, he would have likely cheated on me too.I would never have been able to trust him 100%. Every time he went out,I would have lived in constant stress and suspicion.He might have even done it openly, throwing it in my face that I stayed with him even when I knew there were other women.Thank you for saving me from that version of my life.I hope you are doing well now and have found the peace and respect you truly deserve

You're wasting your time with the advice, OP will go away for a while and then come back under a new user name, with a post about another waste of skin bloke

I can understand why you’re cynical,but please know that no advice here has been a waste of time for me.I’ve been reflecting deeply on every single comment.In fact, thanks to the perspectives shared here,I’ve started to feel a real shift—I’m actually losing interest in him.Today was a big milestone for me: when he sent me hearts and displays of affection,I rejected him.For the first time, I didn't get hooked back in.This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been in such an unstable 'love' situation, and I am determined not to repeat these mistakes.I am taking my next steps very carefully now.The comments here didn't just give me advice;they gave me the 'ick' I needed to start detaching

If it's not been a waste of time, why do you keep start new threads about these men? It sounds like you haven't learned anything...how do you keep getting involved in these situations?

I think you might be confusing me with someone else.I don't keep starting new threads about different men.This is the first and only time I’ve been in a situation like this, and I’ve been posting on this specific thread to deal with it.This is all new territory for me, and I’m just trying to navigate it with the help of the advice here

Do you realise how sad this sounds? You need urgent therapy. In the kindest way you are his Fcuk buddy that’s all.

@InvisibleWoman88 - what you’ve described of your childhood explains a lot. Unfortunately it’s left you very vulnerable to this awful, abusive man.

At some level, you are probably scared of having a committed relationship with a man because you grew up with such an awful model of it, so it feels safer to love a man who will never actually commit to you. But ultimately what is far better for you is a commited relationship with a safe, kind and loving man. I have a sense there’s probably at least one man like that around you already but you don’t see him.

In any case, you need to work on yourself before you can be with anyone. Read Women Who Love Too Much. Look into therapy, perhaps CBT and/or even EMDR. I don’t think you’re trauma-bonded to this guy but i think your upbringing has left you with trauma which needs to be addressed. Also, given the addicted type feelings you’re having, i wonder whether some kind of 12-step programme might help you.

Separately, i think you’re waiting to feel ready to cut the thread that holds you to this guy. But I find that with big actions and decisions like these, you only start to feel ready after you’ve done them. IME motivation often follows action. So you need to cut this guy off now. It will hurt but the sooner you start the journey, the sooner you will get through and out the other side. Cut him out of your life ASAP and start your journey to a much better place. Get busy and interested in other things; fill that void with activities and hobbies. Volunteering can be brilliant for this - it gets the focus off you and on to others and can be very interesting and fulfilling.

It’s nothing to do with him or her, you want someone you’ve deemed special (he’s far from it from what you’ve described) to pick you over another woman, so that you feel special and loveable. You want to change a man to be good, and you want him to see that you are worth changing for, because you couldn’t change your dad. The fact that it’s this particular guy is irrelevant. you’re just repeating unhealthy childhood cycles to try and repair them. Instead you need to realise someone else’s behaviour isn’t a reflection on your worthiness, and certainly not these men anyway.
you do also need to take accountability though that you’re actively perusing another woman’s fiance, to try to win a competition that she doesn’t even know she’s in. It’s not nice to make other people feel worse so that you can feel better. You will feel better when you get toxic men from your life, go to therapy and concentrate on putting some positive into the world and into your own life.

I went to his girlfriend's house. I told everything to both her and her mother. The girl broke up with him and removed him from social media. She told me, 'I was almost about to marry him, but I'm going to break up with him now. You can stay with him if you want.' And I told her that I wouldn't stay with him and that I had blocked him everywhere

I’m sorry, but you sound like the crazy jealous ex that you are trying to avoid being. Telling her family is overstepping. You tell her if you want but you’re going to look even more crazy if you go spill to some strangers family. Get out of this horrible triangle, stop telling yourself you’re trauma bonded because you’ll start using that as an excuse to stay as this man’s puppet, and get some self respect. Oh yes and therapy too.

This.

But if therapy would help you to get him gone sooner (it would), do it that way around.

He is utter poison. Your life is precious and short, too precious and short to waste on this extreme narcissist / sociopath/ whatever the fuck he is (it doesn't actually matter what he is - you just need to move on from him and build your self esteem).

You did the right thing but now, for your own sake, stay well away from him. He’s a nasty piece of work! You deserve some real happiness!

Let’s not pretend that you did this out of kindness.

We will wait for your next post when he meets someone else he wants to be in a relationship with whilst you continuing shagging him on the side because you think he is your world.

Ok well you changed your mind from previous posts but hope you got some closure and will take some of the advice in this thread before dating again