I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

He now knows you'll stay with him no matter what OP - why would you give a man that power, he's only going to abuse it as he has already. Even if you get between him and this other poor girl there will just be another girl and another girl and another.

There is nothing to win here, you need to cut your losses and walk away.

Tell her. Leave him. Get therapy.

You are enabling him do yourself a favour grab what little self esteem you have left and walk away

Would it not just be more sensible to stop seeing him? Nobody who loves you or has even a shred of respect for you would treat you this way.

I'll fuck you secretly but you're not someone I actually want to be seen to be with.

Be still my beating heart.

Have more respect for yourself than he has for you and walk away.

The thing in struggling with in the replies here is that op admits he ended the relationship and that she more or less stalked and harassed him - begging, crying and showing up at his door. If a man did this to a woman we'd see it clearly as at best highly dysfunctional. No, this isn't normal. If you get dumped it hurts, but you dont go repeatedly to the person's door unless you, yourself, have significant issues.

Also add in here that op is aware he has a real gf. She has been told he's intending to marry her. Yet she's still going to his house and having sex with him. Which is quite cruel participation on ops part. The desire to confront the gf or worse - humiliate her to her family- isn't moralistic, it's someone who's Neen rejected trying to blow up a likely innocent person's life for selfish reasons.

This man is clearly a scum bag. He's also pretty clearly told the op he doesn't want a relationship with her, wants a life with someone else, and at what point does op stop being a victim here?

I've been cheated on. I've gone out with men who didn't like me as much as I liked them. You eat some ice cream, you watch some romcoms and cry and then you get over it. You don't harass people at their home, or make plots to blow up lives. This is some sort of entitlement on the ops part. We're not entitled to be chosen.

Move on, stop having sex with people you know have a partner. You're responsible for your behavior, not his. This is not trauma bonding, it's unhealthy obsession. Get some counselling and worry only about yourself.

I am not writing a novel or an article I am actually going through this.The reason I want to tell the girl's family is that she might not believe me, but her family will.I know that once I tell them, he will never look at my face again.I want him to be completely alone and unable to be happy.

I want him to be completely alone and unable to be happy.

What you want and what will happen are completely outside of your control.

Grow up.

This is mad, OP. Even if you sabotage this relationship with this particular woman, he will just move on from her, as he did from you, and be happy with a different woman, temporarily or permanently. Nothing you can do will condemn him to being 'completely alone and unable to be happy.'

You're describing your own feelings here, not his. And yourself is what you should be concentrating on, not revenge on your ex.

You need to think more about what you want for your life.

Even taking revenge to make him unhappy is still about him and not about you. It won't help you at all.

Start thinking about you.

If he hadn't kissed and hugged me the first time I went to his house,I wouldn't have gone back.But him acting like that reminded me of our old days.I couldn't pull myself away from him.I thought that if I did what he wanted,maybe he would come back to me

Can I question why you want a proven cheater?

Gently: he dumped you, he has told you he wants to marry someone else. As much as you're trying to dress up hugging and kissing you as a mixed message, he's been crystal clear. It isn't possible for him to be more clear than that.

Forget revenge, you're just going to harm innocent people and traumatise and humiliate another woman because you've been rejected.

Put your big girl pants on. We all get rejected. It's part of life. You don't need to blow up other lives to feel better, you just need to stop chasing people who aren't the right ones.

You've posted before haven't you OP, many times under different names about dickhead men.

This man has been married and divorced before, and he has two children.I’ve become attached to him in a way I don't understand.😔I don't know why my psychology is like this, but I feel like I'm addicted to him.When I hug him and listen to his heartbeat, I find peace.I just want him to be by my side always.

He tells me,'Maybe things will change and then I’ll be with you.'He says, 'If I ever end up alone, you’re the first person who will come to my mind.'He even tells me, 'I need you, I will always be in your life.'This is why I feel so stuck.

If I truly loved him or were genuinely in love with him,I would want him to be happy with the other girl. Maybe I don’t actually love him.I don't want him to be happy with her.

Get therapy, this is not healthy for you, to be treated like this. It's humiliating and yet you cant stop going back to him, wishing he would choose you. But even if he did, he would be unfaithful as its in his nature. Never satisfied always selfish and always putting his needs first regardless of the people he hurt

If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone,

So what? Like actually... so what???
You'll be doing her a massive favour maybe she'll ignore you but maybe she'll massively appreciate it.
Either way its the right thing to do.

My advice...
Tell her.
Tell him to fuck off and Block hin.
Get in therapy.

The most likely outcome is you are the crazy ex and he still ends up happily married with you as a strange little blip. Just block him and focus on yourself OP.

You need to tell her family and her.

I have just found out that I was the other woman for a three month period. That was after 6 years of marriage and two children, I wish I’d known who I was marrying from the start because I wouldn’t have done it.

I have lost so much to this man.

I’ve had therapy once before. After I didn’t reply to his message, we talked for an hour.But as soon as he wrote to me, I replied immediately.I don't want to cut him out of my life completely;the thought of him being gone forever hurts too much.Maybe he will always put me in second place, but I still can't give up on him

You are his back up. His fall back relationship if he can’t find anyone he deems to be “better” is that really what you want? Is that really what you think you’re worth?

I feel you need to get some self respect, stop being someone’s second best and raise your bar much much higher. Recognise after all this time he will never come back to you but will just use you when it is convenient for him.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut contact, walk away and find someone who values you.

I feel sorry for that girl too;she looks very innocent and like a good person.I recently found out that she actually left her own boyfriend just to be with this man.She erased someone else from her life for him.Her ex-boyfriend, who was left in a lot of pain, even tried to tell her the truth about this man's real face, but she refused to see it.If I tell her family, maybe they can prevent the marriage, but I honestly don't think she will give up on him.

OP in the nicest possible way, this man doesn’t love you and he certainly doesn’t want to marry you so whether you spill the beans to her and her family, it will make fuck all difference.
Only two words come to mind and that’s Grey Rock!