I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

Trauma bonded? Because he dumped you, now uses you for a shag. Christ alive.

How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

Block.

Get therapy.

Move on.

You will never be happy and content with this man.

Try not to use phrases like 'trauma bonded'. It allows you to take away your agency and absolves you of responsibility. Take back your power.

I’ve been in a similar situation in the past. My self esteem was through the floor. I know it’s hard OP but walk away. No matter how much it hurts. Go through the pain, hold your head high.

Personally I wouldn’t tell the woman or her family. Your responsibility is to yourself and I think it will involve you in more hurt and pain.

Just walk away. He’s not choosing you and he never will. It’s hard to do but I promise it will be worth it in the end.

"PerryMenopaws · Today 11:11
He sounds like a complete arsehole, but as its you posting, I'll address you.
You dated a man who was into other women, he then dumped you, then you begged and semi-stalked him and now because he chooses someone else you're thinking you can force him to choose you by going nuclear.
I'm sorry as I can see you're emotionally mixed up, but that's the real situation.
Please: cut off all contact, and go and get some therapy. Leave his gf and her family alone. Learn to accept that relationships are meant to be mutual choices and you can't force someone to love you.
Someone will love you. That person will never be this man."

@InvisibleWoman88 - this with bells on. You desperately need therapy to learn why you think so little of yourself that you will let a man treat you like shit repeatedly. You say you love him but so what? That kind of love is no use to you. Love between adults should be conditional. Healthy love protects the person who loves as well as the person who is loved. If the person who loves you treats you like shit, you have to take your heart back from them. And as @Nanda66 says, don't use terms like "trauma-bonded". You're just giving yourself permission to continue letting him fuck up your life. This isn't a trauma bond situation; you haven't been together for years and years - you don't have a shared life; you don't have shared children. You can walk away but you are choosing not to. You need to make the decision with your head at first but in time your heart will follow. Please take a look at Women Who Love Too Much and get some therapy. Whether or not you tell his girlfriend, please keep away from him otherwise you will be setting yourself up for continual a lifetime of misery.

This man is using you and demonstrates his contempt for you.
In your own interests you must cut all ties

I would tell her because she's got a right to know that her fiance is cheating.

That said, don't think you'll get this guy by default even if he and his fiancee don't work out. He sees you as a booty call and there's likely multiple others. He doesn't see you as someone he wants to marry. He will probably stop seeing you if you tell her. That actually would be better for you because you're making excuses, being trauma bonded, as to why you choose to keep yourself in such a shitty situation.

You need to break it off with him and get lots of therapy.

I think you need to find your anger.

He's laughing at you. He loves the fact he can dangle you on a string and you come running. As women we really need to raise the bar, we have the agency to stop giving these non entities so much headspace. These are the men you should be crossing the road to avoid, but you’re at his beck and call. I know this sounds harsh but the only thing you can change is stopping his access to you.

You have choices here, you are not passive. Choose to expel this vile cheating piece of shit from your life. Get some therapy to work out where your dignity and self esteem has gone and get it back. Tell her because it’s the right thing to do to give her her choices back, not because you think you’ll then have him to yourself because you NEVER EVER WILL. He will fill the vacancy with someone else and continue to use you, because make no mistake that is exactly what he is doing.

He doesn’t love you because men like this are only capable of loving themselves. Don’t allow it, choose yourself.

1. message the woman with proof
2. block both of them everywhere
3. Therapy/ counselling - this is not love, nor a bond. You need distance asap to start figuring it out.

Yes to all PPs.
Sorry to be crude, You are just an expendable fuck to him, he keeps you dangling because you are pitifully begging for attention, he needs nothing from you, but uses you for sex. Oh you love him do you ? what would you say to your daughter if you had one? Follow that advice.
Get Help to see how unworthy he is of any "love" you may want to feel for him.
oh & get a STI check.
I'd tell the fiancé

You’re fighting for a relationship that cannot exist with a man that doesn’t exist. Nothing in this is real.

The relationship you think is possible cannot happen because it’s full of contempt, lies, desperation, and abuse. That isn’t a relationship, but for some reason, a deep unhealed part of you recognises something familiar in those patterns. We’re primed to reproduce our childhood models because if we survived long enough to reproduce, nature deems them safe.

Sometimes we’re so wounded that being around people who have never been hurt feels too dangerous. This is why it’s so important to do some reflective work on our selves and heal before we reach out into the world.

This man is not the prize you think he is. Not one person reading this thread is envious, or admiring. Literally everyone is shouting at you to run. You can’t see who he is, because you’re blinded by a dream of who you want him to be. He’s not that person. He never will be.

You deserve so much more.

OP, tell the fiancée and her family - she deserves to know what a vile two-timer she’s got herself involved with - and get the hell out of his life. You are letting yourself become this man’s puppet, and you are worth so much more. He’ll never love or respect you. Love is freely given - if you have to beg for a shag, there really is something wrong. Please, OP, don’t demean yourself in this way. You need to leave this man alone, block him on everything and move on.

Tell her and then you leave and she leaves. You need him out your life not her. Leave leave leave leave. Can't say it enough

Leave him.

tell her

get yourself therapy.

You’re not “trauma bonded” for fucks sake. Just block the grimy wanker and book an appointment for an STI check.

As for all the posters saying tell her family, what? She’s not a child.

You get her out of YOUR life, by getting him out of yours. He serves no real purpose, but to hurt you. And that will be the case whether he's with her or not.
You know he wants to be married and doesn't consider you marriage material; so you'll be stuck in this cycle for all eternity, if you cling to him.

Be honest op....you want to tell her and her family so that she dumps him and it leaves the way clear for you and then you and him live happily ever after.

It won't happen.

OP, I am going to hold your hand very kindly when I say this:
RUN

I was in a not identical but not dissimilar situation and I can promise you if you don't cut this man completely out of your life for good, you are in for absolutely nothing but hell and heartbreak.
He has told you he is going to marry her and I will guarantee you that is exactly what he will do: whilst you watch from the sidelines.

You deserve better than this.

Don't tell her, don't tell her family, cut all of these people out of your life permanently. Block him on all platforms. Delete his number so you cant unblock and message. Forget you ever laid eyes on him. Forget his name.
It will be hard at first but it is temporary and it will pass. You will get through it and you will get over him. Do not let this turn into years of hell for you. Nothing will come from this but damage.

Yes 100% this.

Saved me typing it.

Hmmm, a drop and run post from someone with just one thread / comment to her name?

Sounds like the OP is fishing for ideas for a 3rd rate novel or article.

You say you have a trauma bond and other issues, if you know that and you know it’s not good how he’s treating you, what are you doing to work on that? Are you in therapy? You need to be.

tell her family if you want, but don’t pretend you’re doing it for her, you’re doing it so he’s single and you can have him back.

How do you handle him ? You walk away & never see him again . He’s never going to choose you even if you break up this current relationship, he’ll just find someone else.

Can't believe you want to be with him after the appalling way he has treated you and his main partner.

If course it won't magically change him into a loving faithful partner if you can manage to get her out of the picture. He wants a marriage partner and a bit on the side. He's told you very clearly you aren't marriage material for him. If his other girlfriend drops away he'll still be auditioning other girls for the wife role whilst you only get dirty texts and secret shags.

Find someone who deserves you!

You get some self respect and accept he has just been using you. He is never going to be with you finally or marry you Block him on everything and get some therapy to help you get past i

hes a user simple as that does not and wil
nit ever really care about you