I was the "other woman" in my own relationship

[InvisibleWoman88]

Hi everyone, I’m in a very painful situation and really need some outside perspective.I was with a man for a long time. In the beginning, he made me feel like a princess. But over time, the attention faded, and I caught him talking to other women. After a big argument over my "jealousy," he dumped me. I was devastated and blamed myself for being too insecure. I chased him for months, crying and even going to his door.
Whenever I went to see him, he would kiss me and tell me, "I need you, I will never leave you." We would hug, and I’d go home feeling hopeful. However, I noticed on social media that he was always out, but he never posted the girl he was with, claiming she was just a "close friend."
One day, I went to his house and found a birthday card that said, "Happy 2nd Anniversary." That’s when the soul-crushing truth hit me: he had been leading a double life, dating both of us at the same time for years. When I confronted him, he coldly said, "I chose her for marriage."Despite this, he asked to "stay friends," saying he couldn't talk to her the way he talks to me. Because of my deep attachment and trauma bond, I stayed. But every time we met, it turned physical. To him, I became a "fuck buddy," but I am still deeply in love and trauma-bonded to him.He is now planning to marry this girl, yet he still sends me explicit sexual messages and meets with me. I want her out of our lives. If I tell the girl she is being cheated on, I’m afraid he will just tell her I’m a "crazy, jealous ex" who won't leave him alone, and she might believe him because.Now, I am considering telling the girl’s family. I want to let them know that the man their daughter is about to marry is still seeing me and sending me sexual messages behind her back.Is telling the family the right move? How do I handle a man who uses my love to keep me as a secret option while he builds a life with someone else?Any advice would be appreciated.

What a mess. Walk away op. You would never be able to trust him. He will not change for you.

The one thing you absolutely don’t do is be with this man. He will take and take from you until there is nothing left. He is a liar, manipulator and entirely selfish. Any version of him that you ‘love’ is based on deceitful behaviour and him knowing exactly how to pull your strings. You mention how you are trauma bonded, I don’t what exactly you mean by this but there is nothing that you describe that is healthy about your relationship with this man. I think you need to unpack and rebuild your thinking of what makes a good man and a good relationship. Your attention on him and the other woman is all wrong, you need to focus on you and your thinking so that you can move forward. Good luck x

If you're genuinely concerned about her:

Step 1: leave her family alone and respect her privacy.

Step 2: tell her if you feel you must

Step 3: stop fucking her partner

Step 4: leave them both alone permanently

I'm afraid I believe you're interested in destroying him, or worse, are deluded enough to think that if you blow up his life he'll come running to you.

But if I'm wrong and you're motivated by concern for her, then the Steps 1 to 4 are the ethical ones.

Im sorry you are caught up with this fuckwit.
I can promise you, when the penny drops for you and you really see him for what he is, you will wonder wtf you were doing.
Its important at that point to not let yourself go under. If you are low, he will use that opportunity to try & weedle his way back.
Seek counselling. Do the Freedom Programme. Speak to friends & family.
Keep yourself safe until you are ready to date with confidence that you will see through the next snake that tries his luck 🙏

Yes, that's exactly what some men will say to women when they want to keep them available for sex. It's a lie.

Yes, he is the one who told me all these details.He specifically emphasized that she is a virgin to make me feel like our connection is 'different' and 'necessary.'

Tell her and her entire family. The wedding will be awkward. Download Hinge and bumble and find a real bf.

Do you really want him alone and unhappy? Because you said “I want her out of our lives.”
That to me says you want to tell her so she leaves him so you can have him. Why do you even want him? He’s made it very clear exactly what he thinks of you (which isn’t a lot).

He doesn’t want you OP. You only want to tell her and his family so they can split up and he can be with you but that’s not going to happen. He’s not going to be with you. He will continue using you for sex and then meet someone else to marry.

He will never marry you.

I know that if I tell her everything, he will never speak to me again.And she probably wouldn't believe me anyway; they would just move on with their lives.That's why I'm not going to say anything. As everyone has suggested,I need to focus on extracting myself from this situation.

'Maybe things will change and then I’ll be with you.'

'If I ever end up alone, you’re the first person who will come to my mind.'

Kindly, OP, he is literally telling you that you're a fallback option, a Plan B.

No self-respecting person would settle for anything less than being a deliberate and enthusiastic first choice. Please cut contact with him and get some therapy.

I know deep down that he doesn't want me and that he will never marry me.I gave him so much effort and love, but he never valued it.It’s a painful realization, but I accept that I was just a convenience for him.I’m not writing this to defend him or myself anymore;I’m just trying to find the strength to walk away for good.I deserve more than being someone's secret or backup plan

Jesus Christ.

Don't you feel embarrassed that he's basically laughing at you?

Not only that but remember that if you got sick, if you got cancer, if you became disabled. He’d literally ghost you and never speak to you again.

Even if you did tell her and she didn’t believe you then that’s up to her. I don’t agree with others saying yes tell her family. It’s not their business. She’s a grown woman and can believe or not believe what she wants.
I do agree though that you’ve made the right decision to take yourself out the situation. Block him, don’t allow contact, move on and eventually if it’s what you wanted you will find someone who finds you worthy of a real relationship and values you as a person and not just someone he can vent to and sleep with

Stay out of whatever his relationship is - not your business now. Just walk away. It’s over.

You know you are a "fuck buddy" ,a side piece.
You want his fiance ,soon to be wife "out of your lives"!!
Listen to yourself. He doesn't love you ,he wants to use you and you deserve better.
Wether you decide to tell her or her family is up to you, but what she does about it up to her.
Please value yourself and never contact him again.
I hope you have support IRL .

The language you are using to tell your this story is not helping. You are not 'addicted' or 'trauma bonded'.

You are an active participant in your own life and have choices. You can dress it up as though you don't but it's not true.

You have a choice to walk away and your life will be better for it in the long run.

If you keep telling yourself you can't help it you'll remain stuck in this misery.

‘Trauma bonded’ is just a tiresome excuse to justify your own shit choices! Right now you’re not the other woman in YOUR relationship, you’re the woman who is helping a man steal another women’s personal agency and her right to informed sexual consent. You’re basically just a bulk standard affair partner.

Honestly tell her, if you win this prince well the old adage ‘play stupid games won stupid prizes’ will just come to mind.

But yes, absolutely tell her before she marries this creep!

You’re not his primary relationship op.

I’ve been in love with him for two years now.Even though I know everything you’re saying is true,I’m struggling with the feeling that I’ll never be able to love anyone else.There’s something about his touch and the way he holds me that feels like a drug; it calms me in a way I can’t explain.I can’t even imagine myself with anyone else right now. I know I’m choosing this misery, but untangling my heart from this is much harder than it looks.I am trying to find the strength to choose myself,but it feels like I'm grieving a life that never even existed

I know I’m not his priority, and it breaks my heart every single day.I cry myself to sleep when I know he is with her.He keeps her hidden from social media too, and he even has access to her accounts—he controls everything.I remember when I thought we were 'exclusive,'I saw him going out for drinks with other girls.My hands were shaking, and for the first time in my life,I felt a physical, nervous breakdown.Deep down,I know that even if I married him, this would be my life—constant betrayal and anxiety.But despite knowing all of this,I still can’t seem to cut the cord.I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to reach the shore.I'm not defending him anymore;I’m just terrified of the void that will be left when he's gone

Don't you have any friends or family?

How old are you @InvisibleWoman88?

Is the 88 in your username your year of birth, do you have children, I see he was married with kids, what about you?!

I do have family and friends,but absolutely no one knows about this relationship.I’ve kept it a secret from everyone in my life because I was ashamed and I didn't want to be judged.That’s why I’m here, talking to strangers because I have no one else to talk to about this burden