Should I tell a wife about her husband's renewed affair?

[Jane143]

I know a woman who had a serious affair about 5?years ago with a married man. He chose his wife and they finished. He is now contacting her again and they’ve had sex once. I feel the wife should know. Is there a way of doing this anonymously or should I keep my nose out of it?

Absolutely this.

Good on you for being decent.

It’s no wonder people - mostly men - keep getting away with despicable behaviour when so many people seem to be happy to just look the other way. Cheating needs to be called out. If you want to sleep around, just stay single, it’s not hard.

'Talking about other people's private lives' is a definition of gossip. They are all discussing it in the office,

As I said - decide that telling the wife is the right thing to do and do it up front - or mind your business and stop engaging in discussion in the office. Including with the OW. Though directly telling the OW to do the decent thing would be another approach. And then refusing to engage with her about it. Thus stopping talking about other people's lives.

You said: "A real friend needs to tell the woman directly, or have nothing to do with gossip."

Either you meant that anonymously providing proof to one of the involved parties is "gossip", or you have created a false dichotomy here.

Which is it?

Exactly this.

People who have affairs act like there’s some kind of magical reason they can’t leave their marriages. It’s not the bloody 1800s; you can get divorced easily. Funny, you just don’t seem to hear as many women doing something that will eventually rip their families apart while simultaneously claiming they’re staying with the spouse they’re cheating on “for the kids.”

There is no excuse for betraying another woman and as a whole, we will never accomplish what we could have because men treat their gender like a secret club and unfortunately, many women treat their gender like competition. If she’s your enemy for a personal reason, fine, be creative. Fucking someone else’s husband isn’t creative in the slightest; it’s about as “basic” as you can get, and emotionally, it’s the damage equivalent of using a grenade instead of a gun - you’re guaranteed to cause an absolute shite load of collateral damage.

If no woman was willing to help a man cheat, if every woman who found out she was being used to cheat without her consent immediately told the wife… maybe the bastards would think twice. It would be a very different world. A better one, in my opinion.

Tell her

I don't know. Maybe because they have a moral compass? Maybe they wish to help preserve whatever dignity the poor woman has left. I would definitely tell her. It's a horrible situation to be in and if it were my husband I'd be grateful and definitely appreciate being told.

Straw man. Try again.

You could just use a dictionary instead of continuing to embarrass yourself.

I’m done hijacking this post. Have fun with the rest of your cynical life.

Best to stay out of it 100%.

I don’t need a dictionary to recognise when something is meaningless.

For some reason this post has been hijacked by someone trying to argue. I asked a simple question and and got some very good answers. Thank you all. I will decide how to deal with this over next few days

No. Stay out of it.

Were you kind about it though when advising her what to do or did you tell her she’s a piece of shit that needs to get over him?

Obviously I was kind. I’m not the sort of woman who is rude to people

The wife should know. Tell her. A thousand times, tell her!

I would mind my own business. I don't think she'll thank you and it will just involve you in the drama.

This is a very skewed view of the world - that it's only men who want to cheat and women only facilitate it because they hate other women.
Women also want to cheat, and women facilitate cheating for the very simple reason that they want to sleep with the man - the wife doesn't come into it.

I’m not saying it’s only men who want to cheat. But desire has very little to do with action, unless you’re no better than an animal. Of course women can have the same drive and impulses as men. What I’m saying is ridiculous is that women do this to each other. So what if one man betrays another? They’re already on the top of the food chain and in all the boardrooms. Women will never achieve the same unless we stop all these stupid sexually competitive dynamics; they’re toxic AF. And yes, cheating with a married man is a hateful act towards another woman. If you don’t want to think of it that way, more power to you, but it doesn’t change reality. In reality, any woman who knowingly agrees to be the OW is actively encouraging the emotional, financial, and psychological harm of another woman, and we all fucking know it. Let’s not mince that reality by saying it should be framed differently. None of my friends have ever been the OW, so obviously this isn’t just some unavoidable cosmic thing.

I think these posts criticising women for engaging are distracting from the real problem. Men make the decisions. Men are responsible. Don't minimise their roles. Talking about a sisterhood that doesn't engage is just pie in the sky as well as sheer stupidity.

She doesn’t deserve any kindness in this situation though.

Neither have my friends (that I know of). And neither have I. But it's ridiculous to put the blame on women for men's behaviour and claim it's a betrayal of the sisterhood. That's very misogynistic.
Do you really think the thing that's holding women back from boardrooms is because some sleep with married men?

You still don’t seem to understand. I’m not blaming women for the actions of men. I’m blaming women for taking actions that hurt other women, and I don’t care if it’s sleeping with someone’s husband or some other action (backstabbing at work is almost a worse action, in my opinion). No, I think the thing holding women back is men, but unless we stop the BS and do start treating it as a sisterhood the same way they treat it as a brotherhood, we will never gain an equal place in society. I’m neither a misogynist nor a misandrist. I just think women deserve more than we’re getting; I want more for all of us. Unfortunately, that is often how it works: men are allowed indiscretions but women are shunned for them, and we can’t change that until we have power. And how do we get power? Well, I can tell you that sleeping with a married man is about the quickest way to ensure that two women are ceding power over a situation to one man, so yes, it pretty much exemplifies the opposite of what I think women should be working towards.