Should I tell a wife about her husband's renewed affair?

[Jane143]

I know a woman who had a serious affair about 5?years ago with a married man. He chose his wife and they finished. He is now contacting her again and they’ve had sex once. I feel the wife should know. Is there a way of doing this anonymously or should I keep my nose out of it?

What sort of proof do you think she has or can get then? Photos of them at it? Text messages? We all know she doesn’t have proof and she can’t get it.

I’d tell her.

We all know

Oh, really? How do we all know that? Be specific.

I would tell her. It's horrible to later find out that everyone else knew and you didn't. To know that people are gossiping about it behind your back, but no one has the balls to actually tell you. Her husband is a piece of shit and she should know.

Op if you must tell her suggest that you pick up a mobile sim unregistered and send her a text.
But my honest advice would be to keep clear.

It's not a happy marriage if it's based on deceit though, is it? Ignorance isn't bliss. The pain has been caused by the husband, not the person saving her from wasting more time on this person. Are you really saying there's a possibility that she won't find out, it might fizzle out and won't happen again and then no harm, no fowl?

Yes, the husband will deny it. But that doesn't mean she won't find proof herself. Or that she doesn't already have suspicions. We don't know they have a happy marriage now, do we? He could be an abusive arsehole and she's waiting for an excuse to escape - proof or no proof. What she does with the information is up to her - she deserves to have it, though

To those who say don’t tell, why not? Picture yourself as the wife in this situation, if someone came with some proof that he has been cheating for years and maybe more than with just this one OW, maybe many all at once why stop at one when you didn’t get caught. Putting you at risk of VD. Everything you think you have is based on lies and deceit - a parallel universe of your reality and what is true. Why wouldn’t you want to be told? Some people may prefer to keep the life they have but how about making that your decision rather than on not knowing?

If you were crossing the street and a bus was pummelling down the road would you want to be told?

Each to their own I suppose but I am genuinely curious why you wouldn’t want to be told.

She has no proof and she wants to do it anonymously.

doing it face to face, with proof, absolutely. Doing it with no evidence, just a poison pen letter. Shitty.

I’d want to know.
If you’re absolutely certain that they’re having an affair again, I’d either email the wife or send a letter. She has a right to know and make her own choices.

Keep your nose out. I don't think you should get involved in it.

No

I do have the proof in in texts and photos from friend.

I wouldn't bother if I didn't know any of the people involved very well.

I know someone who did tell a partner about an affair and honestly she regretted saying anything for years. Blew up the whole friendship group and things were never the same again - all very awkward. Morally she said she did the right thing but if she knew the after effects, she'd have kept quiet.

So the OW is a friend, but the wife is a stranger. I find it odd that you would throw a friend under the bus for the sake of taking the moral high ground. The wife is a stranger to you, if it was the other way around and the wife was a friend, then absolutely.

But I just would not get involved in this. Lives are complicated, if that many people know, the wife will either know already or find out eventually.

Wow. I’m not sure I beleive you now. This woman trusts you so much she’s forwarding you intimate texts between them and photos.

I call bullshit. This woman is no more than an acquaintance and this is gossip.

You aren’t a part of their marriage. If it’s an affair his wife will find out eventually anyway. Some marriages are open and the lovers are discreet as it is more respectful to the spouses - and no one else’s business.

I would tell the wife because I hope someone would tell me if I was ever in that situation

Don’t get involved. Not your monkey, not your circus

And some people don’t ever want to know. This is unbelievable for some to get their head around, but it’s true.

It's not necessarily "intimate texts " between the affair partners.

It could be the friend texting about seeing the man, hoping this time he'll leave his wife etc.

And maybe she's sent photos of the two of them out together.

I'm firmly in the 'tell her' camp.

I’d tell her, but speak to her don’t do it anonymously. I was the last to know and aside from the fallout I felt so humiliated that everyone knew but me and they ALL chose to keep quiet.

She can decide to stay or leave but at least she’s in full possession of facts to decide.

I am still firmly in the 'tell her' camp.

As Princess Diana famously said, there are 3 people in this relationship, but only 2 of them are knowingly choosing to be.

I understand you wanting to remain anonymous, OP.

So maybe print off the photos, give some dates when you know they've been together, and tell her the OW name.

That is evidence he can't easily explain away.

I would also tell her that the initial affair ended 5 years ago because he decided not to leave his wife.

Maybe the married couple do have an 'arrangement ' re discreet playing away, and the wife will just ignore your letter, and things will play out.

Maybe this time he'll leave and go to your friend.

Maybe they'll stay together, work on their marriage, make a go of it.

Whatever happens at least the wife can make decisions about her life based on full knowledge.

If it were me, I would tell her.

It doesn't matter how you do it...I wouldn't have minded if I'd known who told me.

I was grateful to my friend who told me about my Exs ONS.

She was so worried about losing our friendship but said she couldn’t be a friend and keep such a secret from me.

I respected her for that.