Should I tell a wife about her husband's renewed affair?

[Jane143]

I know a woman who had a serious affair about 5?years ago with a married man. He chose his wife and they finished. He is now contacting her again and they’ve had sex once. I feel the wife should know. Is there a way of doing this anonymously or should I keep my nose out of it?

Is the reason you would be telling her for her benefit or for your pleasure?

I guess if you were ever going to tell her, you could tell your friend first, that it’s unfair on his wife and she needs to tell the husband that he’s got X amount of time to stop the affair, or tell his wife himself, or you are going to. The very worst person to get this news from is the OW herself. Her husband should end the affair permanently or come clean and leave so that his wife and kids aren’t living in a fool’s paradise any more. Way worse to find out later that your life was a sham and you were a puppet being manipulated by your husband and his complicit OW. Those Facebook memories would be tainted forever and she won’t know what’s real any more. I’d want the truth.
Of course your friend won’t listen whilst she thinks she’s everything to him despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary and the sure knowledge that she’s starry eyed about a proven liar. She’s believing all the shit he’s no doubt telling her to enable him to still have access to her.
I’ve never met anyone who’s been an OW who thinks any different or listens to anyone until it blows up in faces, however it won’t do any harm to say it. In the aftermath you’ll come out as the honest friend who gave sound advice.

Who benefits from this code of omerta that you want to impose? Cheating men do.

Always ask who benefits from a social rule before blindly obeying it.

Obviously it's your decision, and it's not an easy one.

I think you've thought a lot about it, and I understand you are concerned for your friend too.

But remember that she has chosen this for herself.

Her affair partner, another woman's husband, has chosen to betray his wife.
Again.

The wife is having this done to her without her knowledge or consent.

Affairs are a form of domestic abuse and spousal abuse. That's why you let the wife know that the affair has started up again.

Have any of the terrible things ever put her sexual health at risk like in OP’s case where a poor woman is presumably having unprotected sex with her husband not knowing he’s shagging OP’s mate?

If you know anything like that and haven’t told your friend, you’re being a pretty shit friend.

Tell the wife.
I was the wife. When i finally found out it destroyed more than my marriage. I felt betrayed by friends who had known and just stood by while I was being gaslit.

Write her a letter and post it

Keep out. Not your business, as amusing it may be.

As always bloody glad some of you don’t make up my friendship group.

I would tell. I value my personal agency, my right to informed sexual consent and my sexual health and I would hope anyone who knew me would tell me if those things were at risk. I would do the same (and have in the past).

In this case of someone I didn’t know, I’d still say something, anonymously. I would not stand by and watch a woman being abused by the man who was supposed to protect her.

She’s not the ops friend. And the op wants to send her an anonymous message. She’s saying she’s images and texts and I don’t believe that for one moment. So she’s doing it without proof.

so you’d like that, an anonymous letter saying your husband is cheating. Good for you.

@Charlenedickens read my last paragraph… before a snarky comment, it’s embarrassing!

And yes I’d be fine with an anonymous message because as I said clearly I value my personal agency.

I was the wife as well and agree with being told asap. With H it was known by over 100 acquaintances. It destroyed my MH knowing that so many knew.

Ok, then that’s utterly cruel of you. Leaving a woman wondering which of her friends or family wrote it, wondering if it was true, a husband who will deny, so leaving her thinking she has a vindictive enemy.

how utterly cruel of you.

@Charlenedickens no, it’s cruel to allow a man to abuse his wife and remove her personal agency, while you sit there thinking you won’t get involved because she might not want to know. I’ve known many women who do this but they do love gossiping with other women about it!! It becomes an open secret and a joke, while the wife continues to be abused… now that is cruel.

Stop procrastinating do it now.

His wife has a magnificent vagina, all loyal and lovely, she doesn't want to be sharing all these bodily fluids with an unknown woman whose is prepared to share seminal gunk through orifices.

Ok so email to her and say I know the OW she is a friend / acquaintance of mine. I didn’t approve of the affair 5 years ago and I thought you would want to know they have both started back up again and she told me the following details - be as specific as you can eg they met on Saturday at the Red Lion two weeks ago and she’s bragging about the sex etc and don’t get me wrong they are both awful but I won’t stand by this time whilst they make a mug of you again.

letter or email from a throw away email address. Say you expect fall out and therefore can’t give your name but you are not the OW and not her friend.

She’s saying she’s images and texts and I don’t believe that for one moment. So she’s doing it without proof.

“I believe this, therefore it is true”

Can you hear yourself?

She doesn’t have to wonder if it’s true, because OP would be providing proof. You created a straw man universe in which the proof doesn’t exist so that you could continue to make arguments that don’t actually apply in this universe.

Couldn’t be friends with someone who was seeing a married man.

I’ve been made to feel a shitty person by some of these comments, particularly those accusing me of lying and of not having photos etc. I came on asking for opinions, I’ve received plenty of those thanks and will now make my own mind up in private on what to do. The ladies this has happened to, I feel genuine sadness for. It’s not nice having your whole family ripped apart by a man who just wants that extra thrill with a different woman. Those accusing me of not having proof, being the OW etc are wrong and are just looking to rip apart and pile on myself when I asked a genuine question. I DO have copies of his texts and photos of them together, she forwarded them to me whilst discussing what to do. She’s not a bad person, actually very nice and very attractive, she’s done the age old thing and fallen for the wrong man. Hopefully this will eventually sort itself out one way or the other. It’s not me having the affair so I can’t see why I’m getting the negativity

There is SO much proof actually

Easy to take the high moral ground when it’s not your friend!

You never know how people will react. Very hard to be completely anonymous if she wants to find out who told her, or the OW wants to find out. Or him. There could be angry, unpredictable people coming for you or for eachother. You’d be tearing peoples lives apart, at best they could be cross at worst.. insanely furious and unstable. Why risk it.
He will slip up and cause her suspicion all by himself.

Why should those having the affair get off with shitty behaviour?!!
My friend s husband had an affair
She was living in a foreign country
Meanwhile he was hiding money away getting ready to leave
Totally mugged her off
All because other people didn't want to "tell tales" as you put it