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Original poster

Should I tell a wife about her husband's renewed affair?

181 replies

Jane143 · 03/05/2026 21:53

I know a woman who had a serious affair about 5?years ago with a married man. He chose his wife and they finished. He is now contacting her again and they’ve had sex once. I feel the wife should know. Is there a way of doing this anonymously or should I keep my nose out of it?

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 04/05/2026 00:19

I wouldn't hesitate in telling her and I wouldn't worry about being anonymous either. Dirty snake needs ratting on, and she needs to know its from a credible source.

Thewookiemustgo · 04/05/2026 00:24

GiorgioArmageddi · 03/05/2026 23:02

Telling tales? They’re not nursery children. This is so damn dismissive of a woman’s agency. Yes, OP, keep quiet while this woman has her future, her home, her children’s family stability, her own sexual health, all put at risk without her consent or knowledge. We wouldn’t want to gossip, because that’s a thing ladies do, you know! They’re such gossipy things. Tinkly laugh.

I mean, I live by the idea of “treat others how you would wish to be treated,” and it pretty easily informs my choices on simple dilemmas like this. How would I want to be treated? I’d want to be told ASAP so that I could make decisions and stop being gaslit by a cheating bastard. If you treat people how you would want to be treated, you won’t always get it right (different people need different things), BUT in general, people will respect someone who treated another in the same manner they treat themselves, even if points of view differ.

“Telling tales” 🙄 It’s like people using the word “grass.” We’re neither nursery children nor are we drug kingpins. You can just use the proper words. If you mean to say, “Just stay out of it, you nosy bitch,” to OP, then do it; at least, don’t hide behind vocabulary.

Show quote history

This, absolutely this.
Dear God OP, tell her. She deserves to know that reconciling with this feckless liar was a big mistake and deserves not to have to waste another second on him. If he never wants to leave his wife, this affair could go on for years if OW lets it, then his wife will never get those years of her life back and will be devastated all over again if she finds out or if he leaves her and is using her secretly to keep the status quo whilst he prepares to bugger off.
I can never understand why people think it’s ok to turn a blind eye to something which is secretly harming somebody else. She deserves to know so that she can dump him and get on with her life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2026 00:31

Do you think you telling the wife would help your friend get this prize of a man for herself?

MaybeNothing · 04/05/2026 00:34

Yes op you must tell her and report back to us.

That's an order.

Iocanepowder · 04/05/2026 02:03

I would personally tell her, partly on the basis she may be unknowingly at risk of STDs.

Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:11

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2026 00:31

Do you think you telling the wife would help your friend get this prize of a man for herself?

I think they would definitely get together yes, but then I think he might cheat on her later down the line

OP posts:
Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:12

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 04/05/2026 00:07

I would definitely want to know.

Did the wife find out 5 years ago? And that's why it stopped?

I don’t think she ever knew. I don’t actually know the wife, just the OW

OP posts:
Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:13

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 04/05/2026 00:07

I would definitely want to know.

Did the wife find out 5 years ago? And that's why it stopped?

No I don’t think she ever knew. FB posts show a very happy family on holidays, family occasions etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:15

Horationor · 03/05/2026 23:11

As someone who was in his wife's position, please tell her.
One of the hardest parts was finding out how many people knew, whilst I was living in my little happy world. I so wish someone had told me.

That’s so sad. I understand and I would be the same. It’s just how to do it without being found out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:16

NormasArse · 03/05/2026 23:05

Did his wife know about the affair before?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
Jane143 · 04/05/2026 08:18

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 03/05/2026 22:48

Please tell her. I guarantee she already senses something is up but because they've reconciled and she wants to trust him she'll either be blaming herself or allowing herself to be gaslit by him. It'll be hard for her but it's worse for her not knowing

No I don’t think she ever knew. They’ve been in a long happy marriage as far as the OW can tell, as he doesn’t talk about it. Conveniently for him!

OP posts:
ForMerryMauveDreamer · 04/05/2026 08:20

Please tell her OP.

Charlenedickens · 04/05/2026 08:24

This comes up regularly and it’s always divisive. I think telling someone anonymously is utterly shitty.

firstly she will not know if it’s true or not. Secondly she will be left looking at everyone she knows wondering who told her.

ive also seen plenty of threads on here where women get these shitty letters, and the overwhelming response is always don’t believe it, it’s vindictive.

so for me it’s not about telling or not. It’s if you’re going to do it, do it in person and own it. Otherwise keep your nose out and don’t go and randomly ruin someone’s life.

SonyaLoosemore · 04/05/2026 08:34

Anonymous is horrible. If you want her to know, tell her face to face exactly what you know. Eg, Maggie next door told me she has twice seen your DH leaving Jane's house. Rumours are not always true. Let her decide whether to investigate.

Charlenedickens · 04/05/2026 08:35

SonyaLoosemore · 04/05/2026 08:34

Anonymous is horrible. If you want her to know, tell her face to face exactly what you know. Eg, Maggie next door told me she has twice seen your DH leaving Jane's house. Rumours are not always true. Let her decide whether to investigate.

Absolutely, the op clearly has no proof she can provide. He will deny it. All that will happen is this woman will be left looking at everyone wondering how would do such a thing.

it’s utterly shitty thing to do to someone.

itsnotfairisit · 04/05/2026 08:37

Miranda65 · 03/05/2026 22:48

No! Why do people on this website think it's acceptable to interfere in other people's relationships? I have never known anyone do it in real life, and I would despise anyone who thought it was OK to gossip and tell tales.

Because their experience tells them it's the right thing to do. I regret never having told a friend about an affair a man she was serious about was having. She had to discover it. And worse still discover she was the last person to know. Must have been horrible.
I also think don't do it anonymously. Be brave and do it face to face

Charlenedickens · 04/05/2026 08:45

itsnotfairisit · 04/05/2026 08:37

Because their experience tells them it's the right thing to do. I regret never having told a friend about an affair a man she was serious about was having. She had to discover it. And worse still discover she was the last person to know. Must have been horrible.
I also think don't do it anonymously. Be brave and do it face to face

Show quote history

That’s fair, if you do it face to face and explain you leave the woman to make her decisions if she beleives you, or even if she wished to know, or already knew.

but anonymous has to be as cunty as it gets, and as there is no proof the woman is just left wondering who the fuck would say such a thing.

DoYouSellBuckets · 04/05/2026 08:45

Please tell her. I understand the want to remain anonymous (although I do agree with PP that it may reduce the likelihood of being believed). I think it's your moral duty to save someone a lot of pain when it's in your power to do so. It's not on you to put your well being at risk to do it non-anonymously, though.

What I would say is a letter might be the best. Emails can end up on spam etc. A close friend was cheated on horribly (not a spontaneous falling in love - he went out of his way to prowl dating sites for someone new while she had cancer) and someone actually sent her a Facebook message with a photo of his dating profile. Sadly because they weren't friends it came through as a message request or something and we only found it a year after she'd found out herself and kicked him out. It would have saved a couple of years of her 30s with an emotionally devoted arsehole if she'd seen the message

SixAndJuliet · 04/05/2026 08:48

I would stay out of it.

Charlenedickens · 04/05/2026 08:48

DoYouSellBuckets · 04/05/2026 08:45

Please tell her. I understand the want to remain anonymous (although I do agree with PP that it may reduce the likelihood of being believed). I think it's your moral duty to save someone a lot of pain when it's in your power to do so. It's not on you to put your well being at risk to do it non-anonymously, though.

What I would say is a letter might be the best. Emails can end up on spam etc. A close friend was cheated on horribly (not a spontaneous falling in love - he went out of his way to prowl dating sites for someone new while she had cancer) and someone actually sent her a Facebook message with a photo of his dating profile. Sadly because they weren't friends it came through as a message request or something and we only found it a year after she'd found out herself and kicked him out. It would have saved a couple of years of her 30s with an emotionally devoted arsehole if she'd seen the message

Moral duty to save someone pain? She’d be causing pain if she does it anonymously. And quote friendly she’d also be doing that if she did it face to face, it may fade out and she never finds out and they go on to have a happy marriage.

but doing it anonymously is causing pain and suspicion and uncertainty, no proof, no idea who sent it and a husband who will one hundred percent deny it.

Dollymylove · 04/05/2026 08:49

Close friend, yes probably
Casual acquaintance, keep your beak out

Dalmationday · 04/05/2026 08:50

I’ve been the wife and I would really want to know. But you do need to give her some proper details and evidence otherwise he will not deny deny and she will feel as confused as ever

retaildispute · 04/05/2026 08:54

I’d tell her.

Id set up a new email, and tell her everything I knew (with times and dates he’s been with the OW so she can at least cross check)

moderate · 04/05/2026 08:57

Charlenedickens · 04/05/2026 08:45

That’s fair, if you do it face to face and explain you leave the woman to make her decisions if she beleives you, or even if she wished to know, or already knew.

but anonymous has to be as cunty as it gets, and as there is no proof the woman is just left wondering who the fuck would say such a thing.

Show quote history

You are conflating anonymity with prooflessness. There is nothing in the OP’s posts to indicate that she lacks proof or that proof could not be obtained.

Backtothe80splz · 04/05/2026 08:58

Yes he can deny it, but surely it would give his wife the heads up to observe and be aware of the possibility.
I think you should at least try to give her the chance of awareness. A letter would be the best and if it’s done in a kind way, as in I think you deserve better and need to know this, it will be better received and noted (I know this from unfortunate experience). She may or may not act on it but her radar will be up and her cheating scumbag husband will feel the sting of it too, these men thrive on others silence.