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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's definitely restarted the affair

189 replies

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 03/05/2026 19:46

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 16:05

corblimeygvnr · 16/05/2026 15:36

You sent her your parenting plan ??
Really this is between you and your husband.

Just the bits relevant. That he will live locally, that we have no new partners introduced for at least 12 months, that Christmas and birthdays will be spent here for rhe next 2 years and that he will be welcome (she won't be).
As hideous as his behaviour has been to me, she's 32 with no kids and lives in another country. She just blew up her marriage and j didn't trust him to communicate the practical limitations

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 16/05/2026 16:51

But you are assuming they will both stick to this? She might, he sounds like his commitment to anything is fluid, shall we say?
Men often say they won’t introduce someone and then do.
You sound strong anyway OP so the children will have stability with you.

goodThingGonewrong · 16/05/2026 17:04

It doesn’t sound like a professional reviewed the parenting plan as it’s against many bodies advice to split the children between parents. My ex wanted it and it was a hard no from me and my solicitor and his.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/05/2026 17:16

Just be prepared for your parenting plan to be completely ignored. It's a great idea but, unfortunately, not legally binding and there won't be anything stopping him from doing what he pleases once you are completely separated.

Particularly if he gets a girlfriend who wants to see him every weekend...

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 16/05/2026 17:22

Sadly he didn't adhere to the legally binding contract of marriage did he? I can't see him keeping to your predicted schedule for very long..

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 17:25

ThisJadeBear · 16/05/2026 16:51

But you are assuming they will both stick to this? She might, he sounds like his commitment to anything is fluid, shall we say?
Men often say they won’t introduce someone and then do.
You sound strong anyway OP so the children will have stability with you.

If he doesn't he doesn't. He's not my circus or my monkey anymore. But he has promised rhe kids she won't be there when they come.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 17:26

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/05/2026 17:16

Just be prepared for your parenting plan to be completely ignored. It's a great idea but, unfortunately, not legally binding and there won't be anything stopping him from doing what he pleases once you are completely separated.

Particularly if he gets a girlfriend who wants to see him every weekend...

The cost and logistics of them seeing each other every weekend would make that highly unlikely.

She'll be in for a shock dealing wirh my two 🤣

OP posts:
corblimeygvnr · 16/05/2026 19:42

I'm finding it hard to put into words what I feel about using children as some kind of tool when a marriage breaks up even in a glib way. Often on here we see comments along the lines of make him suffer, make him realise what he's missing etc as if somehow someone would want a man back because its going to be an inconvenient life for him. @OPkindly I would say detach more from this man. He's not your friend and don't believe anything he says currently. He is just desperate to get away and would say anything. I understand the desire to want him to be unhappy etc but try to detach from these little " wins" that you see. Use your energy for yourself and your children. I've already said don't include this woman in your thoughts. She should not occupy your mind - it's a waste of mental energy.

BinNightTonight · 16/05/2026 21:28

When are you picking up your cat? Grin

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 22:21

corblimeygvnr · 16/05/2026 19:42

I'm finding it hard to put into words what I feel about using children as some kind of tool when a marriage breaks up even in a glib way. Often on here we see comments along the lines of make him suffer, make him realise what he's missing etc as if somehow someone would want a man back because its going to be an inconvenient life for him. @OPkindly I would say detach more from this man. He's not your friend and don't believe anything he says currently. He is just desperate to get away and would say anything. I understand the desire to want him to be unhappy etc but try to detach from these little " wins" that you see. Use your energy for yourself and your children. I've already said don't include this woman in your thoughts. She should not occupy your mind - it's a waste of mental energy.

I don't think either me or him are using the children as collateral here.
The one thing I can say for him is the only thing he's been consistent with is how he will continue to be present and provide for the children.
We are both committed to putting them first, that doesn't mean I can't laugh at the mess he's got himself into trying to figure any solution to his new relationship hurdles!

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 22:22

BinNightTonight · 16/05/2026 21:28

When are you picking up your cat? Grin

As soon as he moves out, possibly before to hurry hjm up 😆

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 17/05/2026 06:55

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 22:22

As soon as he moves out, possibly before to hurry hjm up 😆

This is a GOOD move! Cat in, c*nt out.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/05/2026 15:21

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 17:26

The cost and logistics of them seeing each other every weekend would make that highly unlikely.

She'll be in for a shock dealing wirh my two 🤣

But he might not stick to THAT girlfriend. If she is inconvenient, he might just switch to dating someone closer. My point is that once you are separated you really can't legislated at all for what he does. My ex was all 'I'm going for custody' - then moved 350 miles away and saw them once a year. No nice weekends off for me...

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · Yesterday 06:14

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 16/05/2026 16:05

Just the bits relevant. That he will live locally, that we have no new partners introduced for at least 12 months, that Christmas and birthdays will be spent here for rhe next 2 years and that he will be welcome (she won't be).
As hideous as his behaviour has been to me, she's 32 with no kids and lives in another country. She just blew up her marriage and j didn't trust him to communicate the practical limitations

She will use the information you give her, rather than being scared off. Ignore and detach is the only way.

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