He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

Just the bits relevant. That he will live locally, that we have no new partners introduced for at least 12 months, that Christmas and birthdays will be spent here for rhe next 2 years and that he will be welcome (she won't be).
As hideous as his behaviour has been to me, she's 32 with no kids and lives in another country. She just blew up her marriage and j didn't trust him to communicate the practical limitations

But you are assuming they will both stick to this? She might, he sounds like his commitment to anything is fluid, shall we say?
Men often say they won’t introduce someone and then do.
You sound strong anyway OP so the children will have stability with you.

It doesn’t sound like a professional reviewed the parenting plan as it’s against many bodies advice to split the children between parents. My ex wanted it and it was a hard no from me and my solicitor and his.

Just be prepared for your parenting plan to be completely ignored. It's a great idea but, unfortunately, not legally binding and there won't be anything stopping him from doing what he pleases once you are completely separated.

Particularly if he gets a girlfriend who wants to see him every weekend...

Sadly he didn't adhere to the legally binding contract of marriage did he? I can't see him keeping to your predicted schedule for very long..

If he doesn't he doesn't. He's not my circus or my monkey anymore. But he has promised rhe kids she won't be there when they come.

The cost and logistics of them seeing each other every weekend would make that highly unlikely.

She'll be in for a shock dealing wirh my two 🤣

I'm finding it hard to put into words what I feel about using children as some kind of tool when a marriage breaks up even in a glib way. Often on here we see comments along the lines of make him suffer, make him realise what he's missing etc as if somehow someone would want a man back because its going to be an inconvenient life for him. @OPkindly I would say detach more from this man. He's not your friend and don't believe anything he says currently. He is just desperate to get away and would say anything. I understand the desire to want him to be unhappy etc but try to detach from these little " wins" that you see. Use your energy for yourself and your children. I've already said don't include this woman in your thoughts. She should not occupy your mind - it's a waste of mental energy.

When are you picking up your cat?

I don't think either me or him are using the children as collateral here.
The one thing I can say for him is the only thing he's been consistent with is how he will continue to be present and provide for the children.
We are both committed to putting them first, that doesn't mean I can't laugh at the mess he's got himself into trying to figure any solution to his new relationship hurdles!

As soon as he moves out, possibly before to hurry hjm up 😆

This is a GOOD move! Cat in, c*nt out.

But he might not stick to THAT girlfriend. If she is inconvenient, he might just switch to dating someone closer. My point is that once you are separated you really can't legislated at all for what he does. My ex was all 'I'm going for custody' - then moved 350 miles away and saw them once a year. No nice weekends off for me...

She will use the information you give her, rather than being scared off. Ignore and detach is the only way.

So he's finally found a rental. He should be out in 4 weeks.
The emotional whiplash of having him here is a total nightmare, I can't wait for him to go now.
I made the mistake of engaging with him about the ap. He's still spouting nonsense about how he is not talking to her, that he 'can't think about what to do right now as he's focused on caring for me and rhe kids'. I pleaded with him to end it and let us end respectfully and not drag her into the future. Obviously he got frustrated with that and refused to say he will put a stop on it but that it's not going on right now and he can't deal with it right now.
I really should know better 🙄
I'm not engaging with his shit anymore. He can spin it anyway he likes. He's plainly leaving to be with ap and I'm not going to let him keep gaslighting me.
The day he took the rental he cried to me his life is falling apart...diddums

Ugh @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , I’m so sorry. What he does now really doesn’t matter but I’m sure it hurts like hell, nonetheless.
Of course he’s ruined his life, and he’s only got himself to blame. The worst thing is that he’s deeply hurt you and your family and changed your lives forever doing it. Selfish git.
I confronted my husband (he didn’t know I’d found out) in bed, the following night, as I wanted a full day with him at work out if the house not knowing I knew, to do a bit of digging before the delete fest started.
The following morning I got up and sorted the kids for school, acting perfectly normally despite being at breaking point and breezing about. He was a cowardly no-show, skulking upstairs, hiding in bed and leaving me to pretend to the kids that our lives hadn’t just gone down the toilet.
They asked why he wasn’t downstairs getting ready for work, so I told them he had a working from home day. I took them to their bus, came home and made a coffee, staring out of the window and feeling like I was going to wake up any minute. He’d had nearly two hours to hide in bed and rehearse a grand entrance speech, full of apologies and acccountability…. Nah. Not so much.
. He came mournfully drooping his way downstairs and said…..
”I’ve ruined my life! I’ve ruined my life!” and sat down, head in hands sobbing.
I said “You disgust me. You’ve trashed mine and the kids’ lives and the only person you feel sorry for is you?” and I went back upstairs to bed, hadn’t slept a wink all night.
I’m telling you this because the affair was all about them, not us. You don’t even figure whilst they think like this. His first thought is for himself. “Poor me! I deserve to have an affair!” then when he’s found out “Poor me! I’ve ruined my life/ my life is turning to shit.” I’d bet my bottom dollar that this genuinely is the first time he’s really thought about this and actually considered the consequences of what he’s doing.
He’s spent months doing his utmost to try not to think about you, his family and his life, the guilt would crush him if he did and his affair partner doesn’t want to hear it. So it gets compartmentalised and avoided. The lid has been ripped off the compartment now, he’s looking for a new place to live, happy family life is done for him and it’s all getting real.
The denial is desperation. He’s spiralling down now and the reason for it all is that he’s a cheat who keeps on cheating. All his own work. Nobody else to blame.
He didn’t just set off on the road to perdition. He coned it off, resurfaced it and renamed it Mr @Allthegoodonesareg0ne Street.
He’ll regret this, if he doesn’t already.

Thanks as always! You are spot on. Its all about him.
I think its been a bit of a shift this time as last time we went straight into reconciliation so I asked questions, got answers and got reassurance along with most of what I asked of him.
This time the affair is of limits. He gets super defensive and dismissive if I mention it at all. Won't answer questions or minimises it all.
We are divorcing so it's really only self torture but it's taken a bit for me to stop focusing on what he did, on her, expecting remorse. I'm not going to get it and I don't need it to move on.
Some days he's cold as ice with me and someday really kind and crying with me or wanting to do something together. It's clearly influenced by whatever is going on with his girlfriend and I'm fighting hard not to let my heart be pulled along with these shifts.
It's got to be all head for now. My heart can be addressed when he's left.

Well done @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , you’re right not to focus on his antics. I think he’s put it off limits because the truth and the guilt is eating at him now he’s headed for divorce. Even he can’t stand thinking about or talking about what he’s doing. He’s flip-flopping between his new future and trashed past, you’re spot on again not to get dragged on his rollercoaster with him. He’s like a Push-Me-Pull-You with two heads looking two different ways. I wish you all the very best, he can take his chaos elsewhere.

OP, Have you listened to Chump Lady's podcast? I think the people she interviews are usually very perceptive. I think of a good podcast as excellent self-care at moments like these. They help you see things differently and can be very re-stabilising.

Also, I thought this Oprah Interview was pretty good with Belle Burden "Married to a Stranger" (although have to read past her financial privilege, I'm relating purely to the not knowing who he was part)

Thank you. I haven't listened but I will. I have read her book and it's done an amazing job of getting me through the last few weeks.
I'm very clear that the divorce needs to happen, that is a liar and a manipulator and absolutely not a safe partner.
It's just been a very hard shift reconciliation (obviously false on his side but genuine on mine) to knowing he's done it again and handling it a completely different way

Yes. You have had a tough time. He was not able to be genuine, for his own reasons. This is nothing to do with you. Cheating is always about the cheater usually their own unaddressed poor coping mechanisms to some form of childhood trauma. It's painful and long to address childhood trauma and keeping the marriage was not motivating enough somehow. The pain that comes with your divorce and losing his family set up may - or may not- cause him to think again. But he is emotional pain avoidant that's for sure.

Completely agree. When I was looking back at rhe marriage with my therapist it was clear I had done all the emotional labour. I couldn't recall a single time when he opened a conversation about how one or the other of us was feeling (outside of the context of the affair, when he would sometimes check in if he noticed I'd been triggered).
He avoids his feelings wherever possible the affairs, the gym, work all play a role.
Even now in this separation he really doesn't seem to be feeling the reality of leaving. He does cry sometimes with me but I'm not always convinced it's genuine.
Last time he wanted to come back 3 days after I made him leave because he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted. I suspect he'll get into the rental and find phone girl doesn't replace a warm and loving family.
I see many moments where he's trying to behave like we are still a married couple (without the sex and romance). He asked me today I'd like him to take us all to my favourite restaurant.
I of course recognise him trying to have cake 🤣 but he seems to be in denial about what moving out will actually look like.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I can’t imagine anything tougher than that outside of the death of a child, I honestly can’t.
I’m with other posters who say he’s completely emotionally avoidant. He fills the hole in his soul with externals and even a loving marriage and loving family can’t keep up the validation and distraction he needs. My guess is that he’ll miss all of it, but far too late.
You’re right that he’s a totally unsafe partner and even when he wasn’t , I think you deserve better care and concern than he’s ever given you.
One day at a time now, see the future as being full of peace and relief, because after this I’m certain it will be for you. X

**
I’m with other posters who say he’s completely emotionally avoidant. He fills the hole in his soul with externals and even a loving marriage and loving family can’t keep up the validation and distraction he needs. My guess is that he’ll miss all of it, but far too late.

This ^^ is so true. Especially the quest to fill a hole in their soul part. So true.
.
Having worked for 15 years to try and fill the hole in my ExHs soul I realised that it’s the cup -half-full people who simply enjoy and work on their marriages. They water the grass at home.

I bet your DH is a cup -half -empty type. With an internal discontent eating away at him. With mine I felt that his new prospect provided a temporary opportunity to reinvent himself. With a new OW they can be anyone they like, a better version of themselves without the mundanities like laundry, dog poo bags and getting the car MOTd etc. The OW does not see the reality of who they really are yet and that enables them to temporarily fill the hole in their soul, except the problem is that it is unfillable.

My ex sort of recognised what he had lost and tried so hard to replicate the things that I brought to our family, he took OW to hotels I’d chosen, bizarrely got kittens (which he tired of) to try and replace our family cat. Even weirdly took OW to stay in my home town, where I’d gone to school as we’d visited there regularly. But eventually they split up. He couldn’t recreate what he had lost and couldn’t fill the unfillable hole.

Thank you so much. It has genuinely been absolutely Brutal. Especially having him here caring for us through my surgery (which he's actually been amazing at).
But all the while knowing he's leaving for her and having to hear how she's telling all her family they are in love and starting life together..
It shows every word of the last 2 years was a lie. Every promise he made not just to me but to our kids when he came back, all broken.
Having dug so deep to find understanding for his first affair (not justification obviously, but to understand how he got there) it's actually hard not to find myself doing the same again.
Weirdly I'm not so bothered by the details this time. I'm far less affected by the actual affair.
I'm really struggling with the rejection, and with knowing what was ever real.
It'll be easier when he's gone