Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

You'll get there. And we'll all be right behind you when you do, when YOU are ready. If you're not ready the chances of you going back are really high, and that will just create more chaos. You did the right thing.

Onwards, one day at a time - make your plans, look towards your new life away from this abuse and not this current situation as much as you can. There is a way out, and you will get there!

Dear @Beckaboop21345 I hope you are feeling ok, it’s very tough coping on little sleep. I hope last night was a bit better?

Hi everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve not had much time at all alone. Hubby has been with me a lot and I’ve been struggling. A couple of nights ago he put his finger up my bottom when I was asleep and I just didn’t want to speak to anyone.

i hope you’re all okay and @goodThingGonewrong i hope you’re feeling better.

i did ring west Mercia women’s aid today as he went for a walk. I’ve been sent an email with safety stuff and info.

Thank you. This really helps. Thank you so much xx

@Beckaboop21345 you have been on my mind, was worried for the quietness. You poor thing, he is just an awful abuser doing that to you while you slept and it’s no wonder you find it hard to go to sleep - your own bed is not a safe place for you. Please do not feel any shame, it’s all his!

well done for making the call to your local women’s aid, let us know if you need anything? Advice or processing the info.

I am ok thank you, I’ve been signed off till end of June with is good. DD2 had an inset day so I collected her from her dads as she’s with me for the next 5 days ( yay!) . We have watched comedy shows and made cookies and just chatted:

much love to you xx

It doesn’t sound like he’s left you alone so you must feel violated and suffocated.

The magnesium arrived today. Thanks so much for recommending. I’m plannng to have tonight. Thanks for your kindness xx

I didnt think I’d ever be worthy enough of anyone’s worry. I’m sorry that I worried you. I’m full of shame and when I’m not numb it’s tender. I’m sorry. He’s done it before, it just feels different now. I don’t like my bed. I struggle to settle in it, always have. It’s never been a good place for me. Even when I fall asleep my body feels stressed, like it tries to wake me 😢

The lady was lovely. So sweet, and kind, her voice was so caring. The other local line k spoke to wouldn’t even really enter into a conversation unless I gave my details first. I felt silenced. This was different though. She listened. I told her about the times he’d pulled my arms, I’d somehow forgotten about it until I was speaking to her. He’s bruised them and I’d forgotten. I can’t even remember what it was about. It was a good while ago. She’s sent me safety planning stuff and info about abuse. I haven’t read it yet but I plan to. I cried and she listened. I just wanted someone to listen and she did. I don’t think I’m ready to do anything. She said to not tell him when I want to leave as it’s not safe for me. I think I just need to keep talking about stuff, I feel like I need to keep going over stuff and repeating stuff. I don’t know why. Maybe to process it all.

sounds like you have a good chunk of time to recover and I’m glad you have DD2. It sounds like you’ve had a lovely comforting time together xx

@Beckaboop21345 im glad to hear you were able to get some real life support. We’re always here to help where we can but talking to a real person who can offer real world support is definitely going to be useful. It’s not a surprise that you’re scared to sleep. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason, it’s relatively easy to achieve and can have enormous impact. You are being tortured by not feeling safe in your own bed, you can never fully rest which keeps you exhausted, confused and on edge. It makes it easier for him to gaslight you. I hope you can sleep more soundly at your parents house this weekend.

@NZDreaming it’s Pink Poet sleeping at her parents house. Sadly for Becka, her parents home isn’t a safe place either :(

I am glad you got to speak to someone who listened sympathetically. It’s good to be heard and not to look inwards and think it’s not that bad ( when it’s awful) . It’s also good you can keep posting here for support as your situation is isolating as well. I hope it feels you feel a little less alone. And yes, of course I would worry about you :( the way your himand treats you after all the abuse you suffered as a child and teen is in no way a reflection on you. You matter, you count and we all care 💖 I am sure you mean everything to your children too and they love you with all their hearts x

@Beckaboop21345 apologies, I’ve muddled threads. I wish you had an opportunity to start away overnight to get some proper rest.

I’m so sorry, of course you are worthy! The shame is never yours, always remember you have done nothing wrong. Could you start taking photo evidence of any injuries and send them to your friend and delete them on your phone? If you have time can you read the case of Lucy Godley? She secured a prison sentence of her partner by sending her mum photo evidence of her injuries. Also could you sleep with your youngest if you say she has been having nightmares? Xxx

Thabk you everyone and don’t worry @NZDreaming its easily done 💖

Things are really hard. He’s giving even less space now. Wants me to sit with him more or him sit with me in the day. It’s getting harder as little privacy. I’ve been fortunate to get an early period so physical stuff not as pressured as he isn’t keen.

I wish I could have some respite. A night away, a breather but I can’t.

And I’m not getting watched on the toilet because of my period so taking the small win for now.

He won’t let me do that. He comes and takes me from her room if I take too long settling her. Very rarely she sleeps in my bed if he’s out and he agrees but he tells the kids that he always sleeps with mummy. If she wakes in the night I can go and settle her and have snuggles though

Im sorry, I realise that I make my life sound shit when lots of it isn’t. I’m probably focusing a lot on the negatives which I’m consciously trying to do to stop me getting blinkered. Sorry for the short multiple messages. Making the most of posting whilst I can.

I cannot believe he does this to you. This is one of the worst things I’ve heard on here. It’s seems since his work trip he has intensified his control, you must feel suffocated

This as well is so controlling and he’s affecting the kids childhood. It’s like he’s your keeper and he’s laid down quite strict boundaries. He’s robbing you and dc of bonding, your little girl is very little.

The hard parts of your life sound so so hard. Because you have no agency, you cannot say no, he controls what he gives and what he takes from you :( And worse than that he sexually and physically hurts you.

I know you try and lift yourself up and find joy where you can. And that is good as it will keep you going until you leave. I cannot wait for you to leave and so you can rest easy in your own bed and even let the kids in for stories and cuddles xx

I’m sorry. He’ll get bored soon. I have some breathing space over the weekend. Taking DD to a birthday party on Saturday and having dinner with some friends on Saturday evening which I’m looking forward to.

It won’t be forever. I’ve started reading the stuff WA gave me which is really helpful. I know my time will come and it won’t be forever. I’m more determined now and building the strength.

I am so glad 💖 that is the spirit @Beckaboop21345 i am so proud of you x

Thank you that means a lot. Don’t think anyones ever said that to me xxx

I have about half an hour in her room with her so it’s okay. She loves her mummy 💖

I’ve started trying to do some yoga at home, just to build some strength and relax. I used to love yoga so I’d like to get that back. I am doing okay. A couple of days ago was hard but I’m looking forward to the weekend and doing stuff with the kids. Seeing my friend Monday too which is always lovely.

@Beckaboop21345 I hope your DD has a fab time at the party, and that you manage to relax and have some fun with your friends over dinner. You certainly deserve some time to be able to let your guard down.

I just wanted to add that I'm proud of you too. It's shocking to me that @goodThingGonewrong is the first person to have said that to you, when you are clearly an incredibly strong and resilient person.