Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Lots of the tears that haven’t come out are coming out now. Lots of feelings and emotions are surfacing. It’s healthy and okay isn’t it? I know Father’s Day tomorrow will be hard. I know there’s people on here that won’t find tomorrow easy also for lots of reasons and I will be thinking of you all. I feel for those that have lost good dads too xxx

You’re not useless, don’t ever think that . We all check in not for an “update” but to let you know you have voice and that we are here for you. We don’t want you to feel alone, although we can’t come and rescue you, we want to help you make those steps to safety. You are such a lovely and warm soul ❤️

It’s ok for tears to come, sometimes you just have to let them flow, you don’t need to understand why sometimes but it’s ok. I’ve been really teary as well for some reason just thinking of the past and the present. I know tomorrow will be tough for you but I hope you can find something to focus on to help you through the day.

i hope you have the best time ever at CBeebies land and build special memories with you dd and fall asleep together with no one pulling you away. I’m very happy for you. Take care lovely x

Thank you. The thought that people care 😢 I think I’m just a bit emotional. It really does help not feeling so alone. I know I’ve said before that my world can feel very small, and I know my pain is a lot and too much for many. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

i can’t wait for CBeebies. We have some time together in the theme park and then fun at the hotel. I get to choose my food too which is exciting but scary, but I’m going to try and enjoy it. I think we’ll have a pudding too. There’s shows on and games which DD will love, and then bedtime snuggles. Theres a bunk bed for her which she’s excited about but I’m pretty sure she’ll end up snuggling up in the bed with me 💖 xx

Your pain is not too much, you are not too much and I am glad your thread helps you feel less alone.

I am very excited for you for your trip with dd. Have a great time xx

We had sex earlier and he spat on my face. It made me feel like I’m not a person.

What a horrible man.
I hope you re OK this am.
When do you go away with your daughter??
At least you ll have a break and hopefully be able to relax and get a rest for a day.
I think you want to and perhaps are ready to open up to a proffessional.
Likely the only opportunity you have is in the privacy of your GP surgery.
If you could take a bit of paper and a pen.
Write DV / SA URGENT on the note whilst in the waiting area; to be prepared to give to the GP once you're in the room.
I really feel your anxiety and pain the way you described your last appt.
I m sure your Dr must know there is an issue ,but you have no voice at the moment.
Hopefully it will come.
Sending hugs and lots of strength and support to you ❤️ 🫂 X

I am doing okay thank you. We go tomorrow for one night, so I’m hoping for some lovely rest and fun.

It was hard at the surgery last time because it was hard to get an appointment so I saw a locum and he was male which is hard.

I really don’t want to get hubby in trouble. I just want a gentle separation when the time comes. For the sake of my children. I don’t want anyone to hurt. I have moments of really feeling ready then all the uncertainty kicks in and I struggle. Xx

I always fear when you are going to do something nice and are happy that he does something awful to you. What happened with that spitting sadly confirms this. I am so sorry x

I didn’t even make that connection 😢 It’s okay xx

I’m not even sure how I made it happen or why. We had a lovely day and he bought me a rose and a fan. Maybe I’m taking too much, or maybe he’s just a prick. It wasn’t my fault.

A man spitting on your face is to surprise you in the most demeaning way.
At a time when you should be intimate and connected he is treating you with the most utter contempt.
If he walked up to a random woman in the street and spit on her, he would be arrested.
He would never spit on you in public or in front of family/friends because he knows it’s absolutely disgusting.
He saves it for private and when you are at your most vulnerable.
I know you say you don’t want your hubby to be hurt but it’s that fear which keeps you there. There is a big difference between him being hurt and being held accountable.
I do know (or I’m trying to understand) how very hard this is on you, that you are living like a prisoner terrified of their jailer.
You are conditioned to keep a code of silence so posting on here for support is brave and also needed.
Buying you gifts means nothing when you are being treated like this. They are not given out if care or love.
No human being deserves to be spat on, but the way it was done to you I can’t think of anything lower than a husband can do to his wife.
I am so very, very sorry.

He is a prick. It’s not you x

Dear @Beckaboop21345 sadly, you cannot leave an abuser gently. That’s because they are the opposite of gentle. They will hurt you physically, emotionally, financially and sexually. They will do anything to keep you. So I think you need to come to terms of the reality of leaving quickly and safely. Your worry for him is a trauma bond plus you are a kind and thoughtful person. But you need to change your mentality, the mentality needs to be to put dc and yourself first and get to safety with minimum contact after you leave with the intention of never going back to him.

What he did to you last night which would have been a very vulnerable time was wicked, abusive and degrading. He knows you do not have a healthy relationship with sex and he further does things to make you feel awful. You had a lovely day yesterday, he treated you and you had sex with him. However what an abuser gives with one hand, they take away with another. He’s completely destabilised you and I do believe he ruins things you look forward to, “ to put you in your place” and remind you “ who’s the boss”. I despise your husband. He is truely wicked and dangerous.

I know he can’t really love me, even though at times I want to think he does. When he buys me things which isn’t often, it makes me feel special and wanted. I know it’s probably something that he’s doing because he gets something out of it. I’m trying to not take it personally and let it affect my own self esteem and self worth. It’s low anyway but I’m trying not to spiral. We can have lovely times, but I know that we have not so lovely times also. I don’t want to defend him because I can’t. My mind is trying to find ways to blame myself, and even if I’ve been too passive and let him do things, he’s made a choice too.

I have to see the world out there and believe that it is good and life won’t be too hard for me. I’m worried about things like paying bills and providing for my children because I know I’ll realistically be in a low paid job. I know I’ll have to get benefits to start with which society doesn’t like and I’ve never had to claim, I’m quite a proud person but I know I can’t be proud. We will struggle but I just have to hope that we’ll have enough to eat and stuff. I’ve already thought about the sort of housing we could have. I think I’d need a two bed because I have a boy and a girl and my son has additional needs. I can share a room with my daughter or sleep on the sofa, or floor to begin with. It’s the start of a plan.

The tears are coming again now

please don’t worry about money as he will have to pay you maintenance. I know my friends husband pays her £800 for her two kids and it’s done based on how much he earns. And you said he’s high earning so child maintenance will be higher and in proportion to you being the disadvantaged party here. It’s all done through an organisation called CMS. I am sure even if you are in a low paid job at first you can access training schemes on benefits and secure a better future. Keep your chin up. And you can sleep with your dd or share a room with her, no sofa for you, you deserve rest and safety and happiness.

Beckaboop21345
Please read knowing I mean all this to be gentle,although I know it ll be hard to read .I mean it in the best possible way.
You are so, so sad.
This man is making you so very sad; he s deliberately hurting and abusing you.
You really do need to leave for your own sanity.
Think of your children.
If you have a breakdown, who will look after them??Do you want them to grow up with memories of your unhappiness.This will be affecting them at the moment and this situation will only get worse, for you and for them.
They will grow up in the knowledge that you should have left him years before you did.That their childhood was so badly affected by him.
You ve reached out on Mumsnet and been very honest.
You ve found your voice here .
But you do need assistance in real life now.
Someone who will help you manage how you can do this.Someone who can physically and mentally support you. Because you do need to take the children and leave.
You don t have the strength to do this on your own.That is not a criticism; I think you re very brave to have shared, but you re also very afraid.
I know you ve said you have a friend who you confide in, but you do need professional help.
Please please contact an agency who will get you and your children to a place of safety.
I really fear for you.
You now need to put you and your children first, before you think of what will happen to him.
The worse thing that will happen to him is he ll not have you in his life to bully,belittle and abuse any longer.
As always ,sending you strength and support.
💕

@Beckaboop21345 I was thinking of you today; did you and DD make it to CBeebies? I hope you did, and that you're having a wonderful time, you certainly deserve it.

Thank you. We had a lovely time. She didn’t want to sleep in the bunk bed but in the bed with me which wasn’t a surprise! She likes being close. She missed hubby and DC though which was to be expected. I slept all night.

i checked the NHS app and my blood results are all normal and healthy which is good I guess.

@ToYouFromMe ive read your post, I know you had to say what you said. It was hard but I do understand xx

One of my roses. It brings me joy.

Stunning!! ❤️ What a great photo!

I have just realised my post might have come a bit out of nowhere, but your photo popped up and it was so beautiful I felt I had to respond. You have some amazing support and advice in this thread from some very wise posters, and I don’t have anything useful to add to that, but my goodness I am rooting for you! I’m 100% confident that you will be able to get yourself out of your current situation and make a safe and happy life for yourself with your precious children. So I’m just letting you know that I’m cheering you on (very loudly!!!) from the sidelines! X

Thank you @SundayRoast1234 that means a lot.

im struggling. I had to go to the dentist yesterday for a check up and the dentist had to stop because I got too triggered. I went very small and very scared. It was horrible. I’m still trying to ground now. I’ve had a tricky time at home too. I was upset from the dentist and sought comfort from hubby. He got upset because my sadness and hysteria distracted him and made him accidentally delete some work. This was yesterday. He has been better today. We were physical after the school run.

@Beckaboop21345 hopefully it was over quickly for you if it was after the school run, with the children being around as I know how much you don’t like it. It sounds like you have had a really emotional and triggering 48 hours. I hope it calms down.

I hope everyone is doing well. I’m just posting for some advice if that’s okay. Hubby asked me on Monday what I would like for dinner. I said I quite fancied a chicken dinner. I said I would make it and buy what we needed. He refused, said he would worry about me getting too hot in the kitchen and I said I would be fine and happy to do it. He still said no. It got that late in the end he ended up getting us a McDonald’s.

Anyway yesterday I’d spent the afternoon out of the house helping a friend that had hurt her ankle, and I came home and he surprised me with a chicken dinner. Is this a positive sign of change?