Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

To those supporting the OP directly, google Dr Emma Katz. Her resources are amazing on coercive control in families and really may help OP to feel recognised and recognition.

Hi
Just checking in, thinking about you and hope you re doing ok.
Hugs 💕

Checking in too. And I'm also proud of you Becka. You are getting there, under incredibly difficult circumstances. Much love to you.

I’ve been thinking of you too @Beckaboop21345
Even though it’s only been 3 days, it feels like a long time since we heard from you. I hope you are ok x

Thank you for all the love and care, it means so much. I haven’t had much time on my own with my phone so have been quite restricted.

I’ve struggled this week, it’s been hard. It’s been tough here. My friend spotted something on Monday when I saw her and it upset me. Onwards soon 🙏

Hope you’re all doing okay xxx

My kids loved sports day at school today. I’m a very proud mama xx

I’m glad you’ve had glimmers of happiness and well done to your babies too ❤️
What makes me think you will be ready soon is that you don’t make excuses to justify your husbands relationship. You can see the wrong in his actions though you may feel bound to him through a trauma bond. It’s not blinding you though and amen to upwards xx

I can’t really excuse him, I know that he’s wrong. I am struggling with the shame though, hugely. And not feeling worthy or good enough. Sometimes I feel so disconnected that I struggle to even believe that my friends love me. I know some it goes back to my own childhood and stuff with mum and d*d, the stuff they did and said 😢 She let him do what he did, she was there sometimes when it was happening. She was in the room. I know in the future I’ll have to go through counselling again, and more EMDR for the flashbacks. It’s just so heavy right now, especially with Father’s Day coming up xx

I’m sorry for pouring xx

I think if you couldn’t share it would just destroy you. Honestly no one can challenge how you feel about your parents, it is horrific your mother not only enabled him but was in the same room.
You are worth so much more than how the shame weighs you down. You have to remember that these are things that have happened to you and not who you are. The actions of shame are those of the perpetrators, not yours. You will rise again, I am glad you have a plan for therapy too. We are all here to support you x

I just can t comprehend the trauma and ugliness you ve been through.
To now have to endure your life now as it is.
It s only for a short while more though.
You will overcome all of this and you ll come out the other end.
Think of your future,your children ,how happy you ll all be .
S4nd8 g a big big smile and hug to you X

Thank you both. I managed to get into the doctors today. I did want to be open but I couldn’t. I wanted to have my bloods checked to see if there’s anything in my system but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have the best intentions and feel strong enough to talk but then I cower and lose my voice when I come close. I did end up saying that I’ve just not felt very well. I said that I’ve got bruising on my body and I don’t know how they got there. I’m having some bloods done tomorrow to see if there’s anything medical going on and if there’s a medical reason for my bruising. I just said about the ones I currently have on my lower leg. I just couldn’t talk anymore. I hope one day I can xx

The GP also changed my medication for depression and anxiety too so hopefully I’ll start to feel better soon xx

@Beckaboop21345 you are being very brave. When you go back tomorrow, do you think you could write in a brief paragraph what is happening? I could help write something for you if you would like? No pressure but it might be easier as you are so close x

That’s really kind but it’s with the Phlebotomy clinic tomorrow not the GP xx

Next time maybe , when ever you are ready. It might be easier like that x

It’s a good idea. Thank you xx

Oh you poor love @Becksta1
You sound so very unhappy and alone
Your friends… I can’t get my head around one of them knowing about the abuse but telling you that she’ll remain friends with him cos he’s a nice bloke
and your best friend still hasn’t got her ass in gear to sort you a second phone for when the almost inevitable happens and he takes this one

Wishing you all the strength @Beckaboop21345. Just a thought, if opening up verbally to the gp etc is too difficult and intense for you right now , is it worth maybe showing them this thread and the other one? Explaining that you don’t feel you can talk right now but show them what has been written? That way you aren’t having to explain in person, they are just reading what you have written, and I think actually that conveys more of the abhorrent situation you have been in then you could get across in a 10 minute appointment? Just wondering if that’s something that would be worth considering as once this is read by a professional and you are saying you have written it, I can’t see how they wouldn’t have to put things in place to protect you immediately even if that’s just starting off support to get you away from there.

@Beckaboop21345 I have been thinking if you this weekend. I have been reading articles from Women’s aid saying that dv is more prevalent during World Cup matches so I am hoping your husband is not a football fan :( I hope you are ok xx

And also maybe ask for a double appointment in advance. I am at your disposal whenever you are ready ( no pressure, I am not going anywhere).

Thanks @1weekinjuy i think my friend does care about me and she’s all that I have. She has a lot going on too with the loss of her mum before Christmas 😞 She is probably the only person I really have in my life.

Thank you @lottiestars76 thats definitely something I’ll bear in mind. I’m just so frightened and I don’t want him to get in trouble or to hurt him. It’s such a complicated way to feel. I’m hoping one day I’ll feel different. It’s something that might be easier for me though as I find it hard to talk. Thank you, and for taking the time to post too.

@goodThingGonewrong you’re always so lovely and kind. I know you worry because you’re so caring. I’m taking DD to CBeebies hotel on Monday which I’m looking forward to. I hope you’re doing well. I try and check and respond to the thread when I can it’s just tricky at times.

Much love everyone xx

I’m sorry I’m so useless 😢

OP , please don’t say this- no one here thinks it’s true!
we absolutely understand that you are doing the very best you can in circumstances most of us consider horrific.
we are here, not because we expect nor demand your posts, just because we are trying to make you feel heard and cared for.
we’re always on your side xx

Thank you. I find it hard to receive care. It’s something it’s took a while with my best friend, but I’m getting there. It’s just so alien. I know nobody on here is taking anything from me but most people in my life have. I’m still working on getting better at things like that and working through it all.
it makes me emotional that strangers can care xx