Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

You’re not getting it wrong. The only adult relationship you’ve had is with your husband. You have nothing to compare it against. However, you are mentioning these incidents as deep down you know it is not right. Your stomach would not be in knots when you try and get changed, you would not freeze when he touched you, you would be allowed to do normal things like the food shop. He is robbing you of the simple joys and freedoms of life. You have every right to scrutinise and discuss your experiences.

I know. I think I see the lovely things that we have and do too. I think recognising what it is is quite hard for me. I someways it was easier when I thought it was normal or just me.

I’ve decided to have a conversation with hubby next week whilst the kids are at school and talk to him about us seperating. Maybe that way we can sleep separately until we work out how to move forward and what we’ll both do with living arrangements and our children. I think it might go down easier if I let him have a say in what happens next too.
i feel so withdrawn I’m going to struggle for him not to pick up on my emotional distance so I think I should just be honest with him. I know he’ll be upset but hopefully we’ll be able to move forward this way. I know it’ll hurt him and I that will be really hard.

OP could you have a conversation with Women’s Aid before you you tell him you want to separate?

Often the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. This man is so controlling, honestly I fear for your safety.
This man won’t even give you the space to listen to a Podcast.

That sounds a risky strategy OP.
Very risky.
Talk to others first.
Your friend.
Domestic abuse charities.
Your GP.
Sources of support who will be on your side.
He is not.
The fact you cannot see clearly even now
who how he is
makes your idea even more risky.
Please be careful.

Very quickly as I know you can prob pick up messages, please do not do this.

If it was a healthy relationship then this would be the kindest thing to do. However he is capable of hurting you as he has in the past and I fear he will harm you and physically stop you leaving. He will take away your phone and restrict your contact further with the outside world. This is not a safe exit plan.

@Becksta1 its great you feel ready to separate but telling him in this way could be very dangerous for you. abusers ramp up their behaviour as they feel they’re losing control, this is well evidenced.

Two years ago myself and others supported a lady on mumsnet to leave her abusive partner, all abuse was psychological, never physical. She felt she owed him an in person conversation and we were able to convince her to just leave a letter as way of explanation and go without speaking to him. She eventually agreed and did just this, even though she felt he would never be violent as he ‘wasn’t that kind of man’. He read the letter and the next day went to where she was as he wanted to ‘talk’. She felt she owed him that and let him in. He attacked her, leaving her significantly injured and traumatised.

I tell you this not to scare you but to highlight the reality of your situation. Please be careful.

As others have said, please do not do this - this could backfire on you hugely and jeopardise your safety further. You need to have everything in place first, be mentally strong or at least be absolutely clear about the stages you have to go through. Your safety depends on it.

I know you think he deserves to know what's going on, he doesn't - he lost that right a very long time ago. Sending much love.

I’m sorry everyone. I just wanted to make things right for everyone. I don’t want anyone to be sad.

If I say I don’t want anything from the house, mortgage wise could that not maybe keep things gentle with him?

Please don’t do this. You cannot live on thin air. He wants to keep you not the house. You cannot bargain with an abuser for your freedom.

My messages are short because I’m in a rush, I’m not angry x

I know you’re not angry @goodThingGonewrong. it’s okay.

I feel very trapped and I don’t think I can think past today. I just want a soft life, without struggles and pain but it feels like that’s the only life im supposed to have. I couldn’t breathe last night.

Why can’t you message her?

Because I’ve been told to be careful with my messaging to her in case my phone is checked.

But if it is - he would have come across this thread?

why don’t you call her? You get a fair bit of time alone in the house or out of the house… so call her then?

did you get the second phone you mentioned looking in to up thread? That would be wise if you’re concerned

I’m going off the advice from here and my friend and am taking precautions. Do you not think I should be worried about it? I’ve just been told to minimise risk.

He WFH, I can’t just ring her. I also don’t get a lot of time out of the house on my own. My comment about wanting to speak to her was because at that moment, I wish I could’ve, but I couldn’t. I see her face to face, every two weeks to once a month.

I haven’t got the second phone yet. My friend is helping with this and trying to get one second hand so I can keep my savings for when I do leave. I won’t know if she’s managed to find one until I see her next as she’s being careful with what she’s messaging me too.

If he can access your phone, he can access this thread. So I can’t see the difference a message to your friend.

However why don’t you call her?you get time alone at the house and time alone outside the house. Makes sense.

he wfh from home and seems to also go out quite a bit . Call your friend when he’s doing drop off

why don’t you call her on your way to the woman’s circle or even excuse yourself and call her during?

One of my school mum friends knows about what’s been happening . You told her? She knows your being abused and still likes him and friends with him?

There’s a dashcam in the car so I’ve been told to be careful with that too. She also hosts the circle I attend. It wasn’t an emergency call I was referring to, it was just those times we have when we’re struggling and want to call her more an emotional support. Am I making sense?

Call your friend when he’s doing the nursery run or when and my husband takes her son out with ours. . Grab the opportunities.

have you managed to contact the DV line that WA sign posted you to?

posting on mumsnet is a great support but it isn’t going to practically help you like DV 1-2-1

If you think your phone is being monitored, I would suggest you stop posting on this thread. Seriously

I’m sorry @Offonawalk but you’re making this sound much simpler than it is. She lives 10 milesish away and also works and has two small children and we’re figuring out a plan together. I’m tired, and feeling low. I’m honestly at the point where I just don’t care anymore and maybe should just be open with her on my WhatsApp and tell hubby that id like to separate as I’m so tired. As you said he might not even be monitoring me anyway and I’m just so tired.

The school friend that knows what is going on - did you tell her?

@Offonawalk I am doing my best.