Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

You don’t have to apologise, it’s normal to want comfort from someone that makes you feel safe. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope now that he’s got what he wanted that perhaps you get a bit of space, he sounds suffocating and vile. It’s unwanted attention and he knows it.

Also the phrase you use often “ I gave my body” - it’s like you seperate your soul from your body when you have sex. You make yourself numb as you can’t bear being violated. Was he making you feel you had no choice?

Another worrying thing, the drowsiness? Is that caused by the trauma.. I know another poster said he maybe drugging your food. I hope you get away from him
soon x

It will give me some space I think. My period is due in a few days. And then they’ll be a few days after when he won’t come near which is good.

Im not even in body, I can’t be. I sound strange but I float, I’m not connected. When it’s just the touching in my sleep I get to a point of awareness when I can’t feel anything. He doesn’t force me, I struggle when he gets sad and I feel guilty, not his fault. I’m just someone who wants to make people happier, I’m a people pleaser. And I can’t stand that I’m causing pain or upset. I don’t see myself as anything tbh. I think others upset hurts me more than anything.

I think it’s trauma, and I’m very tired. He’s bought me some melatonin that he’s had from Europe. Tbh. If he’s messing with me in my sleep, I’ve got to the point where I hope I sleep through it because coming round when you know what’s happening / happened and you can’t physically move is just awful.

It is trauma, you don’t want to think or feel, trauma makes you mentally tired. I am glad he will leave you alone esp with your period coming. Do you think you will be able to start planning your exit in this time?

About people pleasing, let’s put the boot on the other foot or leg… toot husband does things he knows upset and traumatise you. Do you think he cares that you are not happy? I know it’s hard and right now I know you can’t say no to him as you are trapped.

Do you think you could go to the gp when you are on your period. Tell you husband you are worried as it’s heavy, you have clots. Do you think he could let you go alone? I think you need to document this with a health professional, ask for a female gp. They can help x

OP, @goodThingGonewrong is right-you will have space inside a consulting room to disclose what he is doing to you, and even if you can't tell them everything, please tell them about the assaults, and the pills he has given you.
If you are feeling off its better to try to get a test whilst you're at the GP asap so that if there is anything in your system they can find it.
This is really worth considering, because if he is drugging you, then you will have evidence, to use when you feel able to.
The other thing with your friend, and being worried about safely-have you thought about a secret phrase that only you and she know?
That way, you can have a way of telling her to come and get you and the children, or phone 999 for you.

Just to add, when I said if he is drugging you, I mean when he is-he's obviously using sedation, I doubt its melatonin, either.

I'm really, really concerned about this "melatonin" he says he's bought you "on the Internet".

Why are you taking it, not having any idea of it's provenance?

Tbh, I strongly suspect he's drugging you, so he can rape you in a drugged sleep.

@Becksta1 I hope you are ok and can read our messages even if you cannot reply.

I went to my gp once about another health issue but then broke down about abuse I was having at home; my gp was wonderful, They have likely had experience dealing with women suffering from domestic abuse and like @stormwatcher has said, he’s very likely drugging you with god knows what and it can be very dangerous. I also second the safe world or phrase. It could be “ I got my period today” which means “ please call the police”. I hope he gives you a bit of space today. Will try check mn through today as I’m working from home, mornings are quiet for me as the hq I work for is abroad and we are hours ahead.

We are all here for you

Hubby is out swimming so I have a breather. He’s still very sulky and I can’t understand why. He did try hug me in bed last night and said we should go to bed early so maybe he wanted it again. It does sometimes happen in clusters, his sex drive. I didn’t do anything with him, I’m exhausted. I don’t really understand.

I will try and see my GP but I don’t want them to do anything, I fear a loss of control on my part. I’ll end up getting defensive and I just want to leave. I don’t think he is drugging me. I’m under a lot of stress and I think it’s affecting my body. I need help sleeping and welcome sleep because it’s the few hours in the night when I don’t have to think. I think I’m comfortable taking melatonin because 11YO DC has been taking it (prescribed) for a couple of years so I see it as safe. I also don’t think he’s drugging me because, as crap as it sounds, doesn’t have to. I freeze and can’t move anyway.

Im at women’s circle tomorrow so will get a couple of hours respite. I really would love to have a night away for a bit of a break. I’d love that. I would even do anything. Just rest and breathe. I’d love to go to see the pretty villages in The Cotswolds. I’d love that. I do lots with my kids and I’m taking DD to CBeebies Hotel for a night in June which will be wonderful, but I rarely take time for just me which I know sounds selfish.

I’ll talk to my friend about a safe word, that’s a good idea. I already gave her my word that if things got too much I would ring her and in a horrible situation which I can’t ever see happening, I would ring the police.

On a lovely night, my roses in my garden are starting to open which made me smile today.

I’m sorry again for yesterday, some days are very low but I am feeling better today.

One of my roses. I love the smell and caring for them. I have 3 rose bushes in total.

Please don’t ever feel that you need to apologise, @Becksta1. This will always be a safe place for you. ❤️

Thank you xx

@Becksta1 the rose and the happiness you get from it represents your gentleness but also love and zest for life despite all you are going through. Yellow is a beautiful and hopeful colour and the rose is beautiful ( of course I am biased as I am obsessed with my rose bush this time of year. It has yellow and pink flowers all from the same bush. The pink ones smell divine!

I think in so many ways they’ve given me a new purpose. I only started buying them last year and I’m learning so much. Your rose sounds beautiful. I have one that isn’t in flower year. But it’s a mix of pinks, yellow and purple. It reminds DD of mermaids and unicorns.

Please please don’t apologise for yesterday, anyone following this thread and giving advice is going do of their own kindness and free will.

I do completely hear you about wanting one night away just for yourself. Is it something that you could arrange with your best friend or perhaps something you can aim towards once you leave. It’s completely not selfish to want some time to yourself. It’s something you’ve probably been programmed to feel. I know when I was with my ExH that anything I wanted to do for myself he would either make impossible or say yes then make lots of comments making me feel guilty for leaving the dc. Self care is ok @Becksta1 . If we don’t look after ourselves we can’t properly look after our dc or ourselves properly.

I do think you husband probably wanted sex last night. It could be classed as “ normal behavior” if you were in a relationship where there isn’t abuse but there is and you bide your time and give in when you feel things are going to come to a head. I am sure he probably feels your body tense up, he knows he’s scaring you. I hope your period comes soon, I hope he’s completely disgusted and repulsed and finds something to do instead of stalking you in your own home.

Here they are, best £12 I ever spent at Tesco!

I don’t know if it is right to share here and at the time I thought it was something he did in his sleep but I don’t know now because of what we’ve talked about on this and my first thread. Last year I was asleep and I think he was too and I was punched in the head. I remember him lying next to me so we had both gone to bed. I can’t remember much as I was but shocked and this wasn’t really like him, and he was sat up. He seemed calm, I’m not sure if he’d had a nightmare and I was next to him and it was more an instinctive hit. I rubbed his arm as he had his head in his hands and I reassured him that I was okay, because I was. It didn’t scare me, I I was just in shock. I think this was early last year. I think he did say he had watched something that evening that had messed with his head, I’m not sure what. This hasn’t happened before and it hasn’t happened since.

Oh I love those and what a bargain!

My god @Becksta1 that does not sound right. Of course you can share it here as how else are you going to unpick and make sense of it. That sounds deliberate, the punch to your head. It must have hurt so much plus the shock of it. It’s very telling you were trying to reassure him you were ok. Did he say sorry, check you were ok?

my partner falls into awful nightmares within 5 mins of falling asleep, he usually whimpers a bit and I run his arm and tell him it’s ok. Hes never hurt me in my sleep like that. It’s a worry.

Thank you for your reassurance. It means a lot. It really does.

I know what you mean. I might try and see if I can go away with my friend at some point. I definitely need some time out to gain strength. The first time I went for a night away with a friend a couple of years ago, my DD was sick all over herself and the car and he’d left it for me to clean up. I could smell it as soon as I opened the front door. He said he’d forgotten about cleaning up the sick from the day before. My friend said she thought he was punishing me. I didn’t think it at the time and I defended him, but I do think that he was now.

I think he can sense it. It’s like I hold my breath and I think he senses it.

I honestly was fine, a bit numb but mainly worried about him. It was the top of my head if I’m remembering right. I think I instinctively worry about him, I’m trying to switch that off. I still worry but I’m trying to not let my feelings cloud my thoughts, although that’s hard at times.

He didn’t really say anything, maybe love you to me.

Thinking back now, I might have said to him that he didn’t hurt me. I didn’t want him to worry. I know I haven’t helped these things.

It’s not your fault. It’s so ingrained into abused women to placate and assure their husband to keep the peace. You know deep down that if you said wtf did you do to me ? It would not go down well. It’s very normal your behaviour around your husband in the context of the abuse .

I know I’ve shared a lot, but sometimes I’m still not sure I’m being abused. And to see him like that feels wrong. Maybe I’m just protecting myself and my feelings.

People on here will definitely say if I’m getting it wrong won’t they? I know I asked for gentle support but I hope people can tell me if I’m getting it wrong too.