Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

What happened in 2023 that made your isolation worse? I do think you husband has chipped away at you taking your freedom bit by bit and becoming more abusive as he further isolated you.
Upthread I read you moved in with him and his family at the tender age of 18. You probably did this to flee your abuser at home and it feels doubtful if your mother tried to help you see sense. Your husband wanted to marry you after 3 months which is a huge red flag. At what age did you marry and when was your first dc after that?

I just felt like I’d lost my voice, tbh the story he gave me from MH was the driver. I wanted support after he pushed his penis against me, but I couldn’t do it. I was ashamed. And when he gave me his explanation it was like well that’s it then. I just have to somehow heal and mend our relationship, and support him too. I felt like I caused his sadness. I felt guilty.

The time the police were notified is because I tried to challenge the account from MH, it didn’t sit right and he got very defensive. Raised his voice, sobbed, told me how hard it was for him and how low he was and I thought he was going to commit suicide. I’d called him, text him but it kept going to VM. I rang the police after trying to contact out friends. It was really late so they were all sleeping and had phones off. I rang the police, explained that I was worried about him. They asked about the lead up to him walking out, I was cornered and said he sexually assaulted me in his sleep. I said it wasn’t his fault, and said what the MH team had said. They were more worried about me and said they’d need to see me. I didn’t want them too but said if they have to, please send a woman because I have suffered trauma. The said they would. 3/4 days later police came and it was two men. I was so upset, I wanted a female. One stood in the kitchen where my husband was and the younger newly qualified one came into the lounge where I was. He asked me what had happened, I said I didn’t want to talk about it. He did a questionnaire and they left. I heard my husband with the officer in the kitchen laughing and joking. The officer even said to him at the end of the end “thanks for being so good about this” Apparently there’s a DA flag or something now on my address. I don’t think I would’ve done anything then, I didn’t want him to be arrested and I didn’t want to leave. But I am upset that they sent two male officers out on a follow up call. It’s completely eroded my trust.

I think I’ve become isolated in myself. I’ve maintained my friendships and when I can, I see some of my friends. We’re all mums so life is busy. I can’t even say when me doing the food shop stopped being a thing. I used to do it now and again during Covid, I think it started with “I’ll just do it” then I would maybe do it once in a while and he’d complain, so now he just does it. Even if he’s ill he won’t have me do it. He won’t even entertain an online shop that we could do together. I’ve just lost confidence in myself. It’s like now he wfh he wants to take over. At first it was nice, and extra hand with DC etc, but now it’s like I can’t be trusted. I remember one time we all went to the supermarket after a day out and I said I really fancied making us all a lasagne, he said no you’re not making that. It’s trivial, but I thought wow I really don’t have a choice do I. I just stopped asking, stopped challenging.

We started dating at 16 and he proposed on my 17th birthday. It was a planned proposal. I was elated. I never thought anyone would want to marry me. I moved in with his family probably around the same time or not long after, and then we rented our first flat when we were 18. We got married when I’d just turned 22.

I got pregnant first in 2014 but sadly we had a MC. I had the all clear to try again and within 2 months I was pregnant again and gave birth to DC the following year. Whilst pregnant we moved to where we live now.

Oh @Becksta1 it’s sad to read :( I’m sorry for your miscarriage and that the police let you down. It really undermined you esp your husband charming the other police officer. It must have made you feel small and unseen and no one deserves that. The shopping and working from home is very concerning and no wonder you feel watched and monitored. Does he ever ask what you want from
the shop and does he make you feel you have to justify it? It sounds if I do my maths you are about 32… very young in my books.
I really hope we can help you get out of there when you are ready.

What would happen if you just went out and bought some groceries.
I don't understand why you talk so much about what he likes or not or allows.
I suggested you went to church and you said he wouldnt like that at all.
I hadnt asked about what he likes and frankly i dont care.
i care about you and your life. We all do.
And we don't like him because he doesn't care about you.
He's harming you and ruining your life.
Your life is valuable and precious.
How about you just do something anything. Just go and do it. Even a little small thing. As long as the children are safe.
As he's in a lot he can keep an eye on them. You don't have to get his permission or agreement to do ordinary things. You are entitled to do them just because you want to.
Sorry if this comes across as ungentle. It's not meant to be. But your mindset of deferring to him is working against your best interests.
He can have any grandiose views of himself. That's his issue. Doesn't mean you have accept his ideas.
You can have your own.
All the best.

@alexdgr8 i don’t think you get that she’s in an abusive relationship. It sounds like it’s never happened to you , hence your advice. “ as long as the children are safe” - it’s not uncommon for abusers to murder their dc when they start to lose control. That’s an extreme case but this is a man who rushes his wife when the kids want her at bedtime so he can have her all to himself! I suggest you read all her messages again and take them in. She’s not going to leave her kids with him and neither would I.

goodThingGonewrong
But he takes them to school.
That is a regular thing.
So she could slip out and get a bag of shopping and be already making that lasagne by the time he comes back. Don't announce the intention or wish just do it. Little things.
Re what you say about nighttimes sounds like a OP on another thread.
This one started with her not being allowed to do the shopping.
She needs to find
her self again.
But ultimately she needs to get out of course.
And certainly don't signal her intention to do so.

just realised the distinction between bedtimes ie going to bed and middle of the night waking.
I see now what you wear referring to on this thread.
As you rightly discern my experience is limited.

an outsider knowing of someone being the victim of ongoing criminal activity just wants to pluck them out of it. That is a natural instinct I think.
I realise it is complicated where the victim is unable to clearly see their position.

Hi @Agapornis I just wanted to say thank you for the podcasts. I’ve listened to “He gaslit me so sweetly” and it makes so much sense. I’m also going to ask my friend if she wants to listen to the one about supporting a friend. I’ll listen to others too, whilst giving myself time to breathe in between. Thank you.

Hi @alexdgr8. Don’t worry. I took on board what you said. It’s funny because my counsellor for CSA used to say “I don’t care about your mum, I care about you” when I tried to talk about her and I felt guilty because she was ill. I completely get where you’re coming from and I know it comes from a place of care. Everyone just wants to help, I know that. You could’ve scrolled on but you didn’t. Thank you.

It’s okay don’t worry. He does have the kids when I go to women’s circle and takes them out etc. He’s never given me reason to believe that he would hurt them and I definitely wouldn’t leave them with him if I suspected that. His problem is with me.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles?page=5&reply=152125430

This is a very very useful post from the wonderful User Nettle tea.

@Becksta1 I wasn’t insinuating he will hurt the kids but I wanted to shed a bit of light to the pp that this is not a normal relationship, there are restrictions and punishments ( silent treatment, doors being looked, touching in sleep). When a person does this, no possibility is ruled out as they continue to push boundaries.
How are you today? Are you looking forward to the women’s circle tomorrow?

I just wanted the police to go away. I didn’t want want them there and it felt like a complete loss of control. I wasn’t heard, and sending two males even now two and a half years later just seems wrong.
I expected hubby to be really nervous and anxious, but he was completely calm. I already told him that I would make it go away.

Close! I’m 40 this year but there is an immaturity about me. People think I’m younger even in person. DC is 11 and DD is 4.

sometimes if we need bread or he needs something picking up and he can’t get to the shop at all he’ll send me, but if it’s something he can do he’ll do it. For example tonight he took DC to a swimming class and we had barely any food in, but he insisted on going to the shops half an hour ago because he’d rather go out late than send me. Sometimes if I need to pick up a gift or something (he hates that) I can do that, but the food is him really.
Sometimes he’ll ask, mostly not.

I understand @goodThingGonewrong . Thank you. I’ll take a look at that post. Sometimes I have to remind myself what he does and I think the impact of what he’s done is he’s eroded my confidence. I took my kids to a holiday park for the first week of the Easter Hols. It was the first time I’ve took the both of them together as a solo. The day before we went hubby was still insisting on doing my food shop, even though it would defrost on the 3hr car journey. I mentioned the frozen things we might need and suggested maybe I buy them from a nearby supermarket. He said we can buy here and they’ll be fine but I think he realised that we couldn’t feasibly put all the food for the week in our freezer because there wasn’t any room apart from what was in there, so luckily he agreed that I could do a shop. He did still insist on shopping for us but I was able to do a shop in Wales! It’s funny reflecting back because as we were approaching the supermarket I had pains in my chest, my DC insisted I drank some of his water. My panic was over doing the food shop and not getting it right. Luckily it was fine and I reminded myself that actually, nothing bad is going to happen if I forget something, the kids won’t starve, and there’s a shop onsite for anything else that we might need.

Im doing okay thank you. A stronger day today. Hubby is in good spirits and hasn’t said or done anything sexual which has given me a bit of space. I’m very much looking forward to tomorrow thank you.

I just wanted to say to thank you to you all. I know it must be like pulling teeth at time, so I really appreciate the time you’re taking to support me and make me feel less alone.

Here's to more solo trips! He's a total weirdo to shop for a holiday he's not even going on 😂

Haha. He just has to do everything for me, he even says I’m like a child. Maybe he just has to always have some form or control and the last word. He thinks he knows what’s best for me, and I could never say this to his face, but he doesn’t. He tried telling me what women’s bodies go through when they have a period once abd tried to tell me about my cycle and what phase I was in. Which is random as my periods disgust him. Doesn’t come near me for about a week after it’s done. Just tries to tell me what women’s bodies need in general.

I'm sorry you were so badly let down by the police. They should definitely have sent at least one female officer, it makes such a difference. When my DSis and I reported out historic CSA, we only had female officers involved with supporting us.

Re your H, I agree with other posters that your H is very controlling, especially with regards to the shopping. He’s behaving like an abusive parent, not a partner. (I had an abusive father, so it does ring a log of bells.)

It's really good that you have this thread to keep coming back to, @Becksta1 ”.

*’Out’ should be ‘our’
*’a log of bells’ should be ‘a lot of bells’.

Sorry, I've just spotted my mistakes in that post. 😘

So I had a wonderful time this morning, to find myself locked out the house. It was only for 5 minutes.

He let me in, seemed fine said he was glad he enjoyed myself and said he’s ordered me a sex toy so he can help with my sexual pleasure as he’s read that’s important for trauma survivors to experience sexual pleasure and he wants to help with that. I don’t know how to feel

Thank you. I’m so sorry that you and your DS experienced CSA, but I’m glad that you were supported with dignity. I think they just didn’t care about my needs because I wasn’t wanting him arrested.

I am so sorry that you were locked out and then he is pushing the agenda of a sex toy on you, it’s horrible when you have time out and feel uplifted then he’s discreetly trying to ruin your inner peace. Did you feel scared when he mentioned the sex toy? How would he react if you said you did not want to try it? What was his excuse for locking you out? Sorry for all the questions but upset for you. I’ve never heard anything like what he’s said and I’ve never had a partner impose something like that on me. He just seems obsessed and it’s like you can’t keep any part of yourself to yourself if you get what I mean? He interfere in every part of your daily life. Treating you and saying you are child like! From what I am reading, you are a competent and intelligent person, he’s just trying to dim your light by keeping you in a gilded cage.
I think he doesn’t let you forget your csa as it deflects attention from him being a sexual predator.

Please tell us how we can help you? Are you ready to make a few more steps towards leaving? I don’t mean leave tomorrow but having a plan x

Sadly I think you’re right. I'm really sorry they put you through that experience.

There should be a policy where they send at least one women out when it’s a sexual abuse case. Or 2 women and one male police officer. The women and man officer should both interview the male so abusers like the op’s husband can’t smooth talk them. I’m actually going to look into police policies re how they respond to sa or da cases. I’ve been known for activism and if thr criteria does not fit I would like to look into campaigning for that to happen. I was one of those women who ran a local red box project ( we took period pads into schools to help girls / young women who were suffering from period poverty). We campaigned until the government was providing access for free period products. I got to meet many MP’s along the way so that might be a route. I know this isn’t the point of this thread but it’s worth it if women feel safe, understood and believed.