Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Offonawalk really? Have you really read this thread properly? Do you understand what coercion and domestic abuse are? If it was that simple the op would bloody do it! Stop making her feel small! If you haven’t read, her husband is a monster - watches her change, does not let her shower without watching, she has very little access to money, not allowed to work, he sexually abuses her. The list goes on. Offer some constructive advice as this thread is not about her calling her friend. It’s really one aspect of how trapped she feels, abuse has invisible shackles! The thread has moved on from that comment, @Becksta1 you do not need to justify your actions. Many posters have been with you from the first and second thread and we understand how hard it is ;(

Good morning @Becksta1 . I just wanted to go back to you wanting to tell your husband you are leaving. Through out this post you’ve shown care and consideration for your husband despite doing these awful things to you, it’s a trauma bond, please look it up and read up on it as I’m not good at explaining this concept well. But I want you to know it’s normal to care and love for him because of this “bond” it’s very normal for those abused to feel that way about their abuser. The key now, as you felt very overwhelmed on Thursday night is that we take small steps that are not over whelming to help you get to the point where you can leave with the children, calmly and safely. The clarity comes after the action is taken and not the other way around,

I hope the weekend goes ok as I imagine it’s pretty suffocating with him not working. Stay safe x

Thanks for understanding. I’m quite low today, lack of sleep not helping. I am doing my best, he doesn’t go out all the time and when he does I mostly have my children. I dont always need to call my friend, just at times I wish I could and it’s normally at a time when I can’t.

I don’t have the energy to answer the questions but then I don’t want people to think I’m not trying. I do question if I’m doing enough, should I be doing better all the time. Mumsnet is the only thing I can open on and the podcast, when I do get chance to listen is helpful too, but maybe if there’s a chance he’ll see it I should just stick to talking to my friend when I see her. I don’t know. It’s all a risk, getting the second phone is a big risk incase he finds it but it’s one I will take.

There’s this inner conflict, which is why I think I’ve been leaning to just telling him so I don’t have to hide anything anymore. I won’t because I trust the advice, I’m just tired and sometimes I don’t even want to wake up.

I hope you’re doing okay @goodThingGonewrong and have had some rest xx

Your head is doing mental gymnastics at the moment and you are on high alert all the time. This is partly where the tiredness comes from. Do not worry that you have to update this thread with “action”, there is no timeline. Do things as and when you are ready. This thread is for emotional support as well as practical help. I really think you are doing well as you’ve made your mind to leave so you need time to process this, grieve leaving your husband and your home. It’s a big think but I know you will be ok ❤️

After a really rough night i am okay. I can’t overdo it as myself and dd2 are driving and staying at my parents tonight as it’s an hours drive. I will nap when I get there and all the catching up is done.

I am glad you trust our advice x

Definitely go gently and have the nap. You need to look after yourself. Have a safe journey.

Hi everyone. I’ve decided to delete my thread, but didn’t want to run and leave and wanted to give people chance to receive my thanks! The support and kindness from people that don’t even know me has been really touched my heart, but I recognise that this next chapter is on me now and using this platform for untangling and emotional support probably isn’t the right thing to do. You’ve all been amazing and I’ve made big steps since my first post last July and I honestly couldn’t do this without all your support and kindness. I know I’ll be fine.

I will keep listening to the podcasts when I can, and moving forward with the support of my friend. I will keep doing the work. It won’t be quick, but I’ll come back with a new thread when it’s done. Thank you again. Have a lovely weekend doing what brings you peace, joy and love. Thanks again, you’re all wonderful.

You can do it 💪
It is okay to ask for emotional support here any time you need it.

Thank you. They’ll be a grief with this because it’s been so helpful, especially when I’ve felt alone. But I feel it’s the right thing to do xx

Please look after yourself. Don’t delete the thread just don’t post again. That way all of the lovely advice and kind words are still here for you.

I have been in a very similar situation as I told you before, mine was violence plus a whole load of other awful stuff. if you can’t mentally carry on anymore and feel you have to tell him (you don’t you can just walk out the door) text your friend first so if there’s a subsequent problem she knows.

my ex tried to kill me many times and finally I couldn’t take anymore. I decided leave now or he will kill you, he told me if I ever left he’d kill me and I believed him but I decided it was that bad I’d have to risk that as long as he didn’t touch my DC. Foolishly it sounds I told him I’d called my family to come and collect me and DC, pet, belongings in two days time. He left me alone from that second onwards and wasn’t there when they got me, a coward basically. Plus spent those two days with another woman (one of many).

I’m so sorry that happened, it sounds so very scary. I’m so glad you managed to leave. It’s so hard but a very brave thing to do and I imagine there’s still the emotional scars there. Sending so much love.

i thought about just not engaging and keeping the thread here, but i think it’ll be too tempting and easy to reach out when I know this is something I need to take responsibility for now for myself. Plus a couple of posters have mentioned that I should maybe delete the thread to be safer which I’ve taken on board too. My world has felt much less small the last few weeks and all that support I will still carry forward.

I’m really sad you’ve decided to delete your thread and the ones that advised this are the ones that didn’t understand the domestic abuse. It was giving you emotional support however it’s your choice to make and I respect that. I worry you will feel alone and when we feel alone we have a tendency to feel weak as the only voice we hear is the continuous one in our head :( I really wish you well and I really hope you do come back to share. I will be rooting for you and you do have a special place in my heart x

Also don’t think because you haven’t left that you can’t come back.

Leaving is never a simple and linear process so remember that x

I told you all I’m useless with tech. Can anyone tell me how I delete my thread? I thought I had but I’ve just deleted it from my list I think 🙈

Use the 3 dotes on your post then press report and then you can make a request to mn to delete your post. You can leave a note to all on your thread as well that may have missed your message this morning, best of luck xx

@Offonawalk looks to me like the previous goady poster that got removed from the thread..? If it is - you are not welcome here.

@Becksta1 hope you're doing okay today. If you do want to delete, please remember you can come back at any time. Sending much love - you are making progress, even though it may not feel like it. We stand with you.

Agree with @BeesAndCrumpets and if you’re still reading @Becksta1 sending you solidarity and a hand hold x

https://www.tsb.co.uk/help-and-support/supporting-you-domestic-or-financial-abuse.html

I saw this on another post and I thought it would be helpful, TSB offer a flee fund for women leaving domestic abuse. I hope this will help alleviate some of the worries you have about when you leave.

Thank you @goodThingGonewrong and @BeesAndCrumpets I emailed MN and they said I could hide the thread which means I can still see all the supportive stuff, which I’ve decided to do. Thanks so much for caring.

Sending all best wishes and strength to you @Becksta1. We're here if you need us, and will be quietly supporting you from afar even when you don't post.

As I said in a previous post; I have no doubt you'll get where you need to be, both physically and mentally.

Hi all, I’m so sorry for posting after saying I wouldn’t. I know this makes me look stupid.

Something happened today. Hubby was taking about money and what I had spent. I told him that I’d pad my deposit for the spa day for my 40th in August (£10) He said I hadn’t checked with him. I assured him that he did, I know I did. He said “there’s a strong chance that you didn’t tell me anything about this.” He said I can go but I should check first. I know I did. We have a family calendar on google which he insists that everything is booked on so he can see, even stuff with the kids. I checked and it’s there, I know I asked him because I have to but say I didn’t, it’s there. He would have got a pop up on his phone when I added it.

Make sure you know her number by heart or write it down somewhere safe in case you don't have access to your phone at some point.

Take care 🩷

"there’s a strong chance" what a clown he is. Do please be prepared for him secretly removing items off the calendar. He would be able to do this without you receiving a notification.

It’s ok @Becksta1 I think a lot of posters will be happy you can use this as a sounding board. Of course you told him. He is making an excuse to scrutinise you. Of course you would tell him as he would need to look after the dc? The “letting you go” is very controlling language. You are not his property or a child and he’s giving permission, a lot of abusers deny things as they like to make you think you are going crazy. This is one example of the “make crazy” they use as one of their tools out of the abusers tool box.