Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I would definitely be involved in such a campaign. It's so important. I know I could never have made a statement about my CSA if it hadn't been to a female officer.

@LizzieW1969 I’ll keep you in the loop. I have an operation in a few weeks and when I am on sick leave it’s a perfect time to get my feelers out. You are incredibly brave as I’ve read your words on other threads. It’s really important to help and protect all females ❤️

Thank you. Hope your op goes well. ❤️

Regarding being locked out, he said he didn’t realise he’s locked it.

i don’t know how I’m going to manage the toy. I think I’ll have to just be firm and say I don’t want to use it. Maybe the way he’s always been sexually is because he wants me to enjoy it and I struggle to. It doesn’t make much sense. I think but I don’t know, that he likes porn and would rather us be more like that.

i had a good chat with my friend on the drive home yesterday and she things I need to go and see a mortgage adviser to get a letter or something to say I’m leaving the relationship. She explained it quite well, but it’s gone completely over my head. I think it’s to help me get housing.

your activism sounds great and it sounds like you’ve made such a difference. It’s great to be in a position to help others. It’s people like you that change the world.

Him coercing you to use a sex toy on yourself is a Sexual Assault, I'm pretty sure..

If he uses it on you against your will to penetrate you, that's Rape.
If he uses it on you without penetration against your will, that's Sexual Assault

Hi @Becksta1 … I don’t think you need to contact a mortgage adviser, they are there to help advise of the best rates for mortgages if you were for example buying a new house or if your mortgage expired.

Can anyone please jump in if I’m wrong about this. If you are leaving, you do not need to tell your mortgage provider. You are not earning and it is your husband paying for the family home. You make a massive contribution to your family as a stay at home mum, You are entitled to 50% ( or more of a share of the family home) as you are married. Your solicitor will deal with financials ect ( you will be eligible for free legal aid if you have been the victim of domestic abuse)

The thing that sticks out here is that you’ve casually dropped that you are leaving the relationship. I am very glad if you do and we can help you plan next steps in small bite sized chunks.

I will probably reply this evening as dropping older dd back at uni - it’s a good 200 miles for the round trip and not looking forward to it!

On another note spoke to DD2 about the activism. She studies Law and she thinks it’s a good idea to try.

Hi all. I’ve decided my goal is to leave the relationship, but I have a barrier. My local DA service won’t give advice or guidance unless I give my hubbys details first. I found this from the website, I’m so upset.

on another note, my friend has said she’s going to make me an emergency bag so if I have to leave suddenly I can. She won’t take money for what I need which makes me sad 😞 I’m not worth anything at all. I find kindness awkward like there’s something in return that they want. I know deep down it’s not the case with my BF but the worry is there.

@goodThingGonewrong I hope your long journey was okay. You sound like a fabulous mum. Your DD’s are so lucky to have you xx

@Becksta1 thats a huge decision, obviously not something that will happen instantly but it’s amazing that you’ve been able to reach that decision. You should be proud of yourself for getting to this point.

I don’t have any experience of DA services so unsure what is standard protocol but why are you reluctant to give his details? They won’t be contacting him, presumably it’s for safeguarding reasons.

Your friend is a true friend indeed and it’s clear from your posts that you are so used to kindness be conditional that you can’t comprehend someone doing something to help you because they genuinely care. This just highlights how transactional your relationship must be, which is an awful situation to be in. Real love (romantic or platonic) is not conditional or transactional, it is given freely and willingly and I hope you can recognise how much your husband really doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I don’t want to give his details because he is the father of my kids and someone I do care about. My head said it’s unlikely they will do anything but it’s that fear, and loss of control. I feel like I need to be in control to do this, as my life has been full of everyone else pulling the strings. I know this sounds strange, and the outside I understand why people would why, I just want to be in the driving seat. I’ll already be facing not having choice as to where I’ll live because I’ll need social housing 😞

My friend is amazing. She said she feels better knowing that if things get too much, or I need a breather, I’ll go to her whereas part of my worry was the “where do I go”

Is it definite that you'd need social housing?
What about 5he house you are in at the moment.
You are the primary carer aren't you to minor children.
You might be able to stay there.
Or if not the sale of the house and division of assets may give you more choice.
You need to take legal advice.
Sometimes ex is willing to barter your share of his pension for you keeping the house.
There are all sorts of possible arrangements.
Nil desperadum OP.

I am the primary carer yes. Hubby has said before that if I ever leave he wants 50/50 custody but then the last time this came up which was a good while ago, he said I’d have to leave them here with him which he and I know I won’t do.

My friend thinks I’m better moving out as he has less control of me there, but I really don’t know. It’s so hard this 😢

I don’t even know if I’d manage everything on my own. He takes control of everything, so I rely on him for everything because now I’m so stupid.

He tells me I’m stupid, jokingly and little and that I need him. I don’t even know if I have the ability to think. My instinct would be if I was looking for somewhere to live would be to have him make the decision because I make the wrong ones and he knows best.

I am sorry, I don’t mean to sound so negative.

You don't sound negative @Becksta1, you sound like you're repeating things he says to you. He's managed to control you to such an extent that even how you see yourself fits into his narrative, rather than how you truly are.

Never worry about sounding negative, or "going on" on here, everyone just wants to be here for you, to listen and offer support. We can all see you are doing your best to come to terms with what's happening.

You're clearly a smart and kind woman, despite what has been drilled into your thinking and we know you'll get wherever to you need to be, both physically and emotionally.

I’m struggling today and full of self blame and shame and I can’t even share why 😢

Has something happened @Becksta1 ?

I think you need to share with your GP that you are under coercive control if you have not done so already.
tell her that you are really struggling at the moment.
Also get some preliminary legal advice maybe through Women's Aid or similar.
All the best

@Becksta1 even if you feel you can’t say, if your husband has sexually abused you today or last night, the shame is, his not yours.

No one here in this thread will judge you, we are all here and understand you. It’s not your choice what has happened to you.

Going back to your husband saying you are not capable ect, you very much are! You took 2 kids away on holiday, that’s a big thing, you look after your kids every day, you used to work, nothing points to you not being able to cope. This is a trick abusive men use all the time to keep their wives obedient and scared of the outside world.

Once you are rid of him you will not only survive, you will thrive ( I did).

I’ll be checking mn today in case you want to talk, you can even dm me if you need to. Big hugs x

OP, it's natural to struggle with mixed emotions, it's so hard to allow ourselves to admit that the man we loved is capable of such appalling behaviour behind closed doors. But as soon as you have physical distance, as soon as you walk into a home knowing that is your safe space, for you and your children, the feeling of relief and hope is immeasurable. I remember thinking how do i set up a TV, what do I say to council tax and my employer etc, but guess what?We are perfectly capable of doing these everyday life things. And if you're not sure, just speak to someone on the phone.
When you have been controlled for so long, you are a prisoner. But as soon as you are released (i.e. leave) you will be able to breathe freely again, maybe for the first time. When I was being shown around my litttle rented house (that I had to view in secret, on my lunch break) I saw the top of a lilac tree and promised myself that the first morning we woke up there, when the children were all at school, I would sit by the back door, in a pool of sunlight, and watch that tree in the breeze.
I still think of that now, now that we are in social housing, and when my divorce is finalised, I will be buying a lilac tree to remind me of what happened to us, and why leaving was the right thing to do.

This is really helpful and supportive. I’m so glad you have that freedom now and want to grow your own lilac tree, and watching it grow and take shape, just like you. Thank you so much for sharing.

I gave my body. I knew he wanted sex because yesterday morning when I said I was going to shower he gave me a look, you know the look I mean. This was before he took our youngest to nursery. I went in the shower, took my time. I didn’t know the time but when I came out which was 8:55 he was lay on the bed waiting for me. I was shocked. I think I’d got into such a fog and switched off I just presumed he’d be downstairs waiting to start work. I said I was cold, I knew he wanted to look. I was biding time. Dithering over what to dress in out loud because I couldn’t just ask for privacy. I realised I’d left my phone on the bed, I don’t think he’s looked but I don’t know. Anyway luck was on my side because he had a call at 9am so did go downstairs.

Anyway later that night. He tried to instigate sex. I said I was tired which I was, I’ve felt so drowsy yesterday and today and not right at all. He sulked and I felt bad and gave in. I went for a bath when he was asleep. Ashamed, lonely, numb. I was determined not to do this. And yet I did.

He barely left me alone. When he’s not on work calls I feel hunted which sounds dramatic but honestly writing this its the word that came up. He looks for me, every 5 minutes or so. I’ve been trying to listen to the podcast that @Agapornis recommended but he just hasn’t left me alone. I crave him to have a busy day, so I can think and process what is going on. My brain is numb and my body is aching. I have constant headaches. I just want to shut myself away and be given some space. Lots of love yous and hugs from behind. He probably senses I’m not my normal self, whatever that is.

Sorry for another post. I really want my best friend. One thing I hate so much is I can’t just message and say something is wrong because I have to be careful. I need her.