Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Becksta1 I am not sure why the message got deleted by a poster upthread. Just so you know, they read nothing offensive or critical of you x

He’s done the opposite before when he’s filled it with lots of random stuff, to the point where it’s so overwhelming I can’t see clearly so have missed appointments. Maybe that was why he did that.

I did do that when I checked afterwards. He just denied that I’d asked him before putting it in.

He’s doing this on purpose and I predict when you come back the door will be locked or something disgusting will be left for you to deal with. This is all part of the way they “ punish” you for trying to do normal things.

I hope you are doing ok, remember it’s not a you problem, it’s 100% him! Keep your chin up, I hope it is all over soon x

I think walking away in an abusive relationship is easier said than done. Same with getting a job, easier to say as the dynamic is he “allows” or “decides” any decision in the house like a tyrant. Excuse me @Becksta1 , I do not mean to talk like you are not present.

OP will not be able to do this in her circumstances. If she was able to do this, she would not be in this position. IMO it's not sage advice. I would suggest that any nonchalant behaviour wont be received well, at all. An internal reaction, maybe.

He baited her.

OP it would be amazing to try and build this particular situation into your wall of defences. You know it's not you, this has given you proof, irrefutable proof of his controlling coercive behaviour - even if its a tenner, even if it's already in the diary - use this a reminder that every time he makes you second guess yourself. Slowly, slowly this will allow you to see clearer, and have the capacity to make these steps to free yourself.

How fucking dare he.

Thank you. I have read all your comments, thank you.

Am I okay to stick around on here? I’ve realised how I can’t do this on my own 😢 Even just for a virtual handhold, emotionally this is very hard for me.

of course you should stay and you don’t need anyone’s permission. Anyone that doesn’t want to be involved is free not to comment lovely. You must not be alone even if it’s virtual company and support . There is a pool of women here with different experiences and knowledge that are happy to help you lovely @Becksta1 ❤️🌹

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you sound like a wonderful, caring person. I can relate to a lot of your posts. I also left home at a young age due to family disconnections. My exh swept me up! Fortunately I have always worked, it became my safe place over the years. I’m sorry you feel like a prisoner in your own home. Is there any way you could retrain? Even if it involves an online course? I believe if you were able to it would give you financial freedom and security and prepare you for when you finally leave. In regards to the calendar he is gaslighting you and trying to confuse you. Please don’t let him, could you safely keep a diary to reinforce your memories of certain events? Could you also reach out to your sisters for help? You’ve been through so much over the years, I admire how your coping, your a strong person. I think the first step would be to find employment or retrain towards finding employment. Sending hugs, your not alone xxx

Thank you @BeesAndCrumpets and @goodThingGonewrong. I sit and think no wonder I’m so confused. It’s for my 40th birthday day, a couple of friends want to spoil me because I wasn’t celebrated as a child. They got me my first ever birthday cake in 2024! They made me feel special but knew that birthdays are hard too, so they are open to my emotions because I will have a cry. But I made a promise to my little self to let her have birthdays and gifts now, still hard but I owe it to my little self. I get giddy now which is good and very new. They also want to do something nearer my actual birthday like a takeaway! It’s so kind of them. I told my friend that I feel bad that people have to spend money for my birthday and she said it’s because they want to and love me.

I told him my friends had booked it now when we agreed the date, and I honestly think if he didn’t know this, he would’ve said I couldn’t do it or would say there was something on that day. He’s actually said this morning that he would like to cover all the costs for me and my friends.

Bless your heart, I am so glad you have lovely friends that can celebrate you, you deserve this happiness. I am so glad you do not punish yourself as it’s an easy trap to fall into. I hope you have a lovely time.

So you husband has gone from being mean about £10 and saying you could go is now Mr Nice and generous? It’s confusing isn’t it? Because abusers like their victims confused . What they give with one hand they sadly take away with the others.

My ex h never got me a birthday cake in over 20 years together! The first year I was with my partner he took me away to a spa for the weekend and also, he noted my favourite cake and sourced it through Covid times. Honestly that day I actually cried. I was used to my birthdays with my ex feeling awful, he would usually engineer an argument or be in a foul mood. The last birthday I had with married I cried until about 10pm and had cheese on toast as my birthday dinner alone.

I’m sorry you had such a hard time too. It’s horrendous. We don’t live in poverty and my hubby is very well paid so I think it’s easier because I have a nice garden and I like my house. I focus on keeping it clean and nice for my kids, giving them every and trying to just make the best of it really.

id love to look at training online. I do have something in me now that wants to and believes I can learn. A month or two ago I thought and believed I was stupid. I still recognise that I’m not very clever, and I now know that’s from being abused from birth affected my brain and learning. I can get buy and function but I am slow to learn and process.

I use an app, I can’t remember what it’s called but it has a picture of a cloud. It’s for DA. You can journal on it and it gets sent to a safe email (my best friend) it’s great but I can’t see it as it only gets stored in the email it’s sent to. I’m trying to mentally bank things, or read things that I’ve shared on here. I mean there’s lots, things just now I remember him saying I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed our children. I ended up secretly trying to breastfeed my DC2 because her birth was traumatic and I nearly lost her, so I wanted that closeness more so. It didn’t work because I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m not mad at myself though. I did my best and she was happy with the bottle.

i speak to my sisters but I won’t talk about this, they’re very close to my parents so I have light conversations with them mainly. I know @goodThingGonewrong mentioned a while ago that my mum might not have believed me, it goes a bit further than, she was quite active in the abuse. I just don’t want them to know about deep parts of my life really.

@Becksta1 no I don’t think it was me saying your Mum might not have believed you. I could never make a call like that. You know what you know. It sounds like she turned a blind eye and not it sounds like it was that she enabled abuse which is unforgivable x

Your partner sounds brilliant and so thoughtful and considerate. It means so much when you’re not used to that. I’m glad you’ve met someone that makes you feel so special and treats you with respect and kindness.

You could do some of the online free courses that the Open University offers.

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

Not 'allowing' you to breastfeed is very strange. Did you have a midwife or any support around birth? Did they mention anything about his behaviour? Not that it really matters, but it gives you an idea about how good he is at hiding his manipulation and abuse.

I wouldn't tell your mum/family a thing. You've never been able to trust them and your mum would probably rewrite history.

This post
plus

One of my school mum friends knows about what’s been happening but is clear to me that he’s a bad husband to me but is a great friend to her and is a nice guy

made my jaw hit the floor.

You opened up and confided in a “friend” and she completely dismissed, repeatedly tells you he loves you and cracks on being friends with him?

Thank you I’ll take a look at the courses.

With first DC, he said he didn’t want me to and tbh, I didn’t think much of it. I have such a difficult relationship with my body I told myself that bottle feeding was what we wanted. Things changed with DD because it was my last pregnancy and I started to want to. He said he wanted to be able to feed the baby and it was important that he bonded with the baby too. So I felt selfish denying him that. That was over ridden a bit when DC was born because of the birth. I did sneakily try and feed her.

The midwives asked a lot about breastfeeding and it was easier to say that I didn’t want to. He wasnt there much when I went to antenatal because he worked out of town for the 1st pregnancy and there was covid restrictions still when having DD. He was very talkative and friendly with the midwives and HV through. He’s always the one to do the talking, he very sociable

@Agapornis If id said to the midwife’s that I wasn’t breastfeeding because my husband didn’t want me to, do you think they might have thought that wasn’t normal or healthy? I think I didn’t tell them because maybe I thought it would make him look badly. Don’t worry if you don’t know.

Yes. They actually walked back from the school run together this morning. She’s still my friend but I know now from the lovely people on here that I can’t really trust her. She’s a friend I still want though because it’s a way to get out of the house and see someone for a drink every once in a while. I do like her too and understand that this must be tricky for her.

They would have asked why in the first instance and gone from there depending on your answer. They don’t automatically jump to sinister

I remember more with the breastfeeding now. He said I wouldn’t cope with it too.

So if you told the midwife that she would ask why you think he might think that.

Basically she would probe and, if appropriate, suggest he join the conversation if you agree

To be clear, I didn't mean to make you consider "what if" re telling the midwife about the real reason for not breastfeeding. Your baby was fed, and you tried the best you could in a shit situation.

Doesn't surprise me at all that he has a very solid mask in public.