Please help- extremely clever husband who is cheating.

[PeppyLemur]

Hi,

I am going crazy. I think my partner is cheating on me. Maybe even gay. We have been married for 11yrs and have two children. I can't leave without proof due to the culture I am from. My eyes were oblivious to everything he was doing until one day he was acting very odd (3 or 4yrs ago now). He works two jobs so is hardly at home or is at home when we aren't. I work during the day and that's when he's home. He's home for an hour after the kids get home from school then is off to his next job. He has one full day off from both jobs in the week. 3/4yrs ago, on that one day off he was acting very odd. I didn't say anything, just kept watching and observing him. Anyway, he basically pretended to go to sleep really early because he was very tired but went to bed dressed with socks etc on. He placed his wallet and watch outside in the hallway very carefully. I got into bed, pretended I fell asleep. As soon as he thought I was asleep, he began using his phone. He had called an uber and was waiting for it. He then very carefully got out of bed, got his wallet, watch, keys etc and went out of the house. He returned at 1 or 2 am. He went fresh and alert and came back really tired, out of it. He was very careful to open the door and be very quiet. He shut my room door and went straight in the shower. He was in there for an hour. I heard him brushing his teeth, using mouthwash etc. then he put the laundry on with his clothes inside. He then went and sat in the living room for an hour. Very stupidly, I just lay in bed, frozen and in shock. I should have confronted him then and there. But so many questions dawned on me, how long had this been going on for? How long has he been making me a fool? How long have I been so stupid to trust him? So many things were going through my mind that I couldn't confront him. For a week, I watched what he was doing. Everytime I'd come home from work, I'd realise the laundry was on and he'd hang the clothes out etc (always refused to do it when I asked him). And it was always his clothes. Then some days he slacked and only put them in the laundry when he realised I was getting suspicious. I checked them, he had obviously been masturbating because he had cum in his boxers. Anyway a week went past. I tried to get into his phone, I couldn't. Didn't know the password, he had so many locks on there. Then I tried to put the sim in my phone, managed to change the password for his email and instagram. I found out nothing because he deleted everything and unknown to my knowledge at the time- he had other accounts too. I found on his email, emails that he had changed his password, he done this daily- I found that odd. Anyways after a week I was done, I was killing myself. Trying to watch him, trying to get into his phone when he fell asleep, etc. I only saw him msging men on fb/instagram but couldn't see what he was typing or saying. I confronted him, I asked him if he was gay. He told me he wasn't but his hands were shaking. He showed me his phone but of course I didn't find anything in there because I didn't know where to look at the time and also because everything was hidden. He let me look at the phone for about 2mins. Then he started getting defensive and arguing with me about how dare I say that etc. anyway fast forward to now, I have been suspicious of him since then. He has a password on his phone that I don't know, he has a facial recognition on his phone. He will never let me hold his phone. He wouldn't let the kids on his phone but now does but doesn't let them out of his sight. Just in case I might take a look at his phone. If my battery is dead and I ask to use his phone to call someone, he will go put my phone on charge, wait till it's 3% then give it to me to call but not give me his phone. He knew my phone password, kept going on my phone and checking my msgs, my bank, etc. but after him not allowing me, I've also changed my lock etc. he has a lock on everything, WhatsApp etc. he now has a black screen so I can't see anything when next to him. I noticed he has three diff TikTok accounts. Before, he didn't have all privacy settings on TikTok so I could see what videos he liked, they were all gay ones. Then he noticed I was looking at his profile everyday and changed the settings. Recently I've noticed he gets so many notifications from Snapchat (mostly from men but some from women) but I'm on his Snapchat and do not see any of his snaps up. I desperately need to get into his phone but I can't. I need help. I am so desperate to get out of this relationship. In these 11yrs he has been controlling, playing mind games with me (so much so that I doubt myself now), he gaslights me so much, the mental abuse is unreal. Always comparing me to other women etc. before anyone says, just leave him you don't need proof- please don't. If I could, without proof, I wouldn't think twice. I wouldn't kill myself like this. I can't eat, sleep, rest. I know he's doing something but don't know what. I need help- please! Everyday, he refuses sex with me but I come home to see that he has masturbated, showered etc. I am acting totally dumb like I don't suspect him, don't know of anything. In the hopes that he will slip up but he is way too clever for me. He does not slip up, even when exhausted. Someone please help me get out of this. When I have proof, I will pack his bags, show him and his family the proof and apply for a divorce- I'm not suffering anymore. 11yrs is more than enough.

So all this story could have been prevented if you asked him why he was going to bed fully dressed?

What an unhelpful attitude. Coulda shoulda woulda irrelevant.

I understand why you want proof. Have you thought about setting a “honey trap”? If your main suspicion is his sexuality and him engaging sexually with other men, you could set up a profile as a man and add him and have him believe he is talking to a man until he exposes himself that way?

It sounds as though the proof you want is that you are not the terrible person he is gasllighting you to believe. You know it rationally as you have described his disgusting behaviour, putting you down etc. Are you looking for validation from others that you have grounds to end the marriage? You know that you have, so who else do you need to convince? As many others have said on here, neither he nor his family will accept any "proof" you come up with that he is acting badly. Whose opinion matters to you? Is it the wider community, your own parents, just who? YOU know the truth, that's all that really matters.
Please take things into your own hands and take action to end the marriage, for your DC's sake as well as your own, and hold your head high. There is help out there to do this difficult thing. Would you consider moving to an entirely new area post divorce? It might free you to be away from a community that judges you. It would give you a fresh start. 🌸

What a ridiculous response.

Why do you like women making life harder for themselves? Misogyny?

OP if your family disown you, then let them go.

I bloody hate misogyny and contempt for women dressed up as ‘culture’.
Do you want your children to live that way? That women are not important enough to expect respect and happiness?

You’ve lost the plot mate. Bye.

Can you make a fake profile on a gay app? Grindr or something? You may find he has a profile & screen shot it all - Or can you do a google lense search on a photograph of him in your phone to see if takes you to any dating profiles ?

Called you out so you decide to announce your departure. Typical 🤣

There is no culture that requires proof to leave. There are cultures that make it difficult for women to end marriages but “proof” wouldn’t make any difference at all. He will always have some answer for whatever data you presented.

What you need to do is contact a organisation for women of your culture in abusive relationships - there are many around in the U.K. that support women from different cultures - Asian, African, Muslim heritage etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My culture is Asian, my family disowned me when I left with my now exh. When my son was born my family and I reconnected, although it was strained at first. My family never liked my exh but they thought I was happy. After many years of abuse I wanted to leave but one of the reasons stopping me was the ‘shame’ on my family. As in my culture divorce is seen as bad as murder, which it obviously is not. Once I got the courage to leave his family supported him. It hurt at first as I was close to them. My family were amazing and supportive and not at all angry with me. I think what I’m trying to say is his family will always back him up and not listen to your version of events, but that is a small price to pay for your freedom. If you can confide in siblings for support? I think if you confide in your family you will be pleasantly surprised with the support they can offer. I know I was certainly surprised. Regardless of whether he is gay he is abusing you. I understand how you feel that relatives will blame you, I felt that too, but it was destroying me and most importantly my children. I am in my fifties so from an older generation too. You know the truth and that is all that matters. Your family may or may not accept you leaving but that is a small price to pay for yourself and your children’s future happiness. ❤️

Id put hidden cameras around the house for when you are home. You can also hire cyber PIs that can look through social media accounts etc (not sure how this is done etc) . Also Catfishing is also another way to catch the ones that think they are clever. There are PI that are professional catfishers.

It sounds like your culture doesn't allow you to leave unless you provide proof - expect this will allow you to retain 'respect' and the ability to keep/access your children and get all the dues as the wronged party.

So, you get a data investigator. Someone who can identify your husband's data footprint across his purchasing, etc. You'll have to approach support yourself and that applies to where you live.

How do I do this?

There are many organisations that can help support you including DAVSS, women’s aid will have experience of abuse from different cultures x

By painstakingly keeping notes and piecing together evidence so I had a backed up theory. I don’t want to say anything too identifying, but I also used a linguistic specialist to work out when he was lying. I also googled and found out he had ‘tells’ (things he did when he was deceiving me). All that helped a lot and gradually I worked out what was going on. I wasn’t 100% sure but very close. I tried not to get emotional but to treat it as a logic problem almost.

I then confronted him, not by asking him but by pretending I definitely knew. His expression gave it all away. Just in case he was going to deny things later, I recorded our conversation during which he admitted what I’d suspected.

This took time, patience and the utmost care as if I’d spoken or acted too early, he’d have denied everything and got away with it. I got all my cards ready, so to speak, and played them at just the right time.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. For those who have been in a similar situation and understand why I need proof, I'm sorry you had to go through that and thank you for understanding. For those who have never been in a situation like this and don't understand, I thank you for your replies and pray that you are never in a situation like this.

Today I don't really have any words. I'm feeling quite numb and frustrated. Frustrated that I've given this man everything except my blood and he treats me like the dirt of the earth. Frustrated that I can't get into his phone which is like Pandora's box. I wish there was some way that I could get into it but he even sleeps with his phone in his hand, if he turns, the phone goes with him. He has a second phone too but that has a password which I also don't know. I recently gifted him a smart watch, I tried to turn it on but the battery was dead. I tried to look for the charger but I realised he has hidden the charger.

I feel sad that I have to deal with the children, take them everywhere they need to go whilst he can stay home and carry on doing what he wants to. I know what I need to do but don't want to do it without proof. I'll never be in peace. He will still have that hold on me.

Spare smartwatch chargers can be purchased.

But stop chasing rainbows. You’re never going to get the gotcha moment you seek. Just bin him.

Why do you need proof? You sound miserable with him. Whether he’s cheating or not you don’t trust him anyway (because of his shifty actions) so the relationship is over.

You could try to access his uber account this will show past journeys

That's not leverage or sanity. It's the opposite of sanity in fact.

Someone this locked down and calculated is extremely unlikely to admit to it/respond to this approach. You're imagining what an honest/decent person would do. The OPs husband is not that man.

Op, if you really can't just leave, get a PI.

Of course he is cheating not eve. Subtle anbout it you are not imagining it or going crazy but the proof you want probably won’t get it. If you don’t end this toxic sham relationship you are going to drive yourself insane . Ypu deserve so much better.