The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Are you ok? Hope all is well.

If Nomad says no, you could consider binning all your current irons and taking some time to enjoy being alone, if you think your root problem may be fear of that. Even just six months of being ironless and focusing on yourself and reflection, and going back in afterwards with a clear demand for commitment or nothing, could help

@BoxOfCats HUGE congratulations on the house!

👏🎊💐🥳🍾

I tried this recently after my last break up - I did have a clear 6 months of full celibacy, no dating, not even chatting to any irons on line ....

I'm not sure whether it helped or not, if I am honest? It felt like it had - but then I had a weird situation with my ex (it didn't help that I lost my beloved dad, admittedly...) and I felt just as much love for him as I used to.... It was a bit better I suppose, I knew that I wouldn't totally implode when he told me there was no future, and that I could cope alone.....

I am not trying to question the advice, I do know that generally it IS good advice - I just don't know if it's always the cure-all we hope it will be.....

But I wouldn't say I am the one to listen to for love+life advice, given my track record! It might be worth a try, at least.....

@Ilovelurchers no one should listen to me either.

MNHQ very on it about the linkyclickydude 😁

That's exactly what happened to me...I got the book hoping it would explain my partners mindset and why he was like he is and we could work together.
To then find out that I'm picking these emotionally unavailable men threw me off completely...but the more I read and the more I thought about it I realised that it was correct and I was indeed emotionally unavailable.

I've since had month's of counselling and recognise the patterns and why I'm like I am...and hopefully getting better.

Just to add to the avoidant convo. It's strange how men act one way and say something else. In my last (brief) relationship he insisted he wanted something 'simple' which I eventually realised meant no drama for him. This is often something you see emphasised in men's profiles. It means, they can share what's troubling them with you, but you are not allowed to give them the emotional burden of your problems.

I actually think the acid test of someone's commitment is if you experience some kind of problem, their treatment of you during this time really demonstrates how they feel.

Mr Expressive has continued to send long involved texts today. He also sent a nice, clean photo lol. I do hope he doesn't end up being a creep.

I did indeed ponder last night whether I just need a man detox in my life…!

Back story is that I had a pretty shitty time early last year - several health issues at once, then ex left me for someone else. I felt pretty devastated both emotionally and physically.

Since then I’ve come a long way. I’m much more comfortable than I was about being single, and have worked on my boundaries which have always been poor. Doing well at work, joined a gym and am now fitter than I ever thought possible (the bar was pretty low before, haha!). Finally sold the house I owned with my ex 2 days ago, so I’m literally moving on as well. Just need to get over this last emotional hurdle.

Ahhh thank you!!

It’s definitely a negative that it’s so close to Mr Charismatic. But it’s perfect in every other way. I’ve never actually had to live alone before. I’m pretty excited to be moving onto what feels like a new chapter of my life though. Current house was bought with the ex and is far too big for just me (physically as well as mortgage wise).

Sorry to hear that. Feel free to share whatever’s troubling you!

You are actually right about the "no drama" thing. In fact, that phrase gets right on my tits! As if anyone goes into a relationship thinking "Hope there's lots of drama..." But life is complex. Things happen. Emotions crop up. Unfortunately, drama is a part of life.....

Expressive sounds lovely. Have you plans to meet?

And yes, huge congratulations!

I got my own little place for the first time a couple of years ago (I had always owned with a partner before). That independence is such a lovely feeling. And it's a big deal, too - well done you!

I bought my own place this year, too. Love the independence - and complete control over finances and everything related.

I'm about to have the 'what are you looking for?' conversation with Mr Expressive. I've only been chatting with him for a couple of days, enough to establish a rapport, so I think I can ask this now.

Hello all, no irons and was still feeling low about my ex. I posted earlier about my mojo disappearing too as i didnt fancy anyone. Well today i bumped into my neighbour - he's never here as always travelling and id forgotten he even existed. Think foreign born, 6ft 4, absolutely gorgeous. Ladies, i thought, wowzers, maybe my mojo hasnt quite disappeared if i can still appreciate beauty like this!

@Chocolatefreak "No drama" is instant 🔥as they mean they will provide ALL the drama.

@BoxOfCats sending love 💐

@Eesha very promising 😁

Ooh - that is exciting. By text?

I feel you’re both on the same page, and all will be good, so do keep us updated.

@BoxOfCats- absolutely nothing like your own place - congratulations and enjoy - you’ll never want to go back!

@Chocolatefreak- no drama = no kicking off when I’m a complete dick, normally involves other women. I avoid these like the plague!

@Eesha- you will get there, you’ll think about ex less and less - and start thinking maybe try dating again - in the meantime ensure you lay eyes on the neighbour regularly lol.

I ended up having a day with Mr Tree - last minute as he offered a walk now or evening and it’s so nice today I thought why not!

Ended up being a really lovely day - didn’t mention comms though - doh. We will see - I am positive he really enjoyed today too - well it felt so, and he said so - sure I’ll be back with questions on texts again but I may just spell it out next time on reply if it’s difficult. We spoke about lots of stuff today - not in a heavy way - so I think I can be clearer maybe.

Not had any ‘what are you looking for’ convo yet - I’m sure it was simpler in my younger years - you dated and either ‘finished’ or continued to living together and I’m not sure it was even discussed much but maybe as there were less alternatives as to what to do, and less sweet shops around online!

@MsJinks no drama = no kicking off when I’m a complete dick, normally involves other women. I avoid these like the plague!
@Nosdacariad "No drama" is instant 🔥as they mean they will provide ALL the drama.

😂😂😂 yes!

Your story is very similar to mine. Congrats on the house. I am a couple of weeks away from buying mine so I can only imagine how amazing it feels to close the door behind you at the end of the day and feel like you are finally home. Very excited for you!
Never mind Mr. Charismatic being next door. Not something you need to worry about. I am also buying about 20n min down the road from a guy I briefly dated which was not intentional. I just fell in love with the area while we were dating and I think it is far enough to never bump into him.

I had a nine month detox from my cheating arse ex. Best decision ever as stepping away really allowed me to examine my own lack of boundaries in minute detail. I returned to the dating scene with a much clearer idea of what I wanted and what I should (and shouldn't) do to get there. Plus, I really leaned into my hobbies and built an amazing life so that naturally raised the bar for any potential suitor as they now have to compete with my multiple interests, blissful solitude, and fantastic social groups.

Saw this on another thread - hope it loads quickly I want to know which way you’d swipe ha

Hello, can I join too please, have been following the previous thread as well and it’s really helpful to get other women’s perspective. I’ve currently been seeing a guy for about 3 months, we’re not exclusive btw and both around 50, let’s call him Mr Slipper. He’s been away over Easter to his home country and by the time he got back I was away so we haven’t seen each other for almost 4 weeks. I asked him yesterday if he’s around this weekend (as he asked about the previous weekend but forgot/didn’t realise I was away) his reply was ‘Are you thinking Saturday or Sunday’ my reply was ‘Saturday works well for me 😊’. This was last night and haven’t heard back from him so not sure this is a date or not….

He hasn't set the world afire yet...

Lol, doesn’t look like it

Well, Mr Expressive has messaged me to say he's looking for a stable, respectful relationship, so that's all good. I'm just wondering if he's using AI to write his responses, they're all so smooth and polite and correct. Not much personality to them. Is this nitpicky of me? A man who's saying the right things, and I'm suspicious?!